WWYD - Regarding New Man?

[LookingForAlaska]

Backstory - I'm in my 20s, am childless and I've been single for nearly 3 years after a very serious relationship broke down after abuse. I've only just felt confident enough to start dating again within the last 6 months, but I feel completely out of the loop, and am full of self doubt that I'm still working to get a handle on. Overall, I'm getting better slowly, and very pleased with myself, my progress and the person that I've become!

I started a Masters degree in September, and at the beginning of October another (older) student asked me out on a date. I was nervous, but had nothing to lose. He was, and is, really nice! I was very pleased with myself and thought things were going well.

We've 'dated' at least once a week since October 1st. Always 'proper' dates, never late-night booty calls. Dinner, ice skating, the cinema - it has been the most traditional string of dates that I've ever experienced. After about 5 dates we slept together, and have been sleeping together about every 10 days since. So far so good - bug change from my last relationship where respect for me didn't ever factor into the situation.

But it still feels very much like its casual. It has not yet transitioned into the 'boyfriend and girlfriend' stage - and that is fine. There is not a lot of talking unless to arrange the next date, but that has suited me. I need to go really slowly with all of this, for my own sanity. Changes in my routine upset me and I've got so used to being on my own!

Because we are students, term finished last week and he has gone to work abroad over Christmas. Fine. But I wanted to have 'the conversation' about what was going on before he left. So we did. We agreed that things are going well as they are, but we are both still free to see other people at the minute. Great - exactly how I feel too.

Only now I'm doubting everything. Does he even like me? I haven't heard from him for about a week - is this odd? Saying that I've not contacted either - I decided to give him some space (and have actually been having a really good time with my friends in the meantime!).

He's back in the middle of January, at which point I'll know if he is still interested or not. But in the meantime what would you do? Continue to give him his space, or get in touch? I petrified of smothering him!

Any tips generally for the dating game would be useful too. I've no idea what I'm doing.

He likes you enough to see you every now and then, spend time together and have sex - but that's all. He's been very clear that this isn't an exclusive relationship. He's therefore probably seeing others and having sex with them - and wouldn't pass up a new opportunity either.

So no, I wouldn't contact him.

It does sound like exclusivity is what you want though, despite your protestations. Don't pretend to want something you don't. It's fine to say you prefer monogamy and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you're not pressurising yourself to want something you don't.

That's the thing though - you write that (particularly your first paragraph) like he's the one stringing me along - that he was clear it wasn't exclusive and he is seeing other people, when actually it was me.

I've slept with other people since him, and I was the one to tell him we we're not exclusive. The man you describe, whilst assuming I want monogamy, isn't the reality. I feel more closely aligned to your description of 'him'. If anything, we are both acting like 'the bloke' in this situation.

I'm just trying to suss out if this is over or not really.

I don't think either of you is acting like a 'bloke' actually. Lots of men want monogamy and lots of women don't.

Why would it be over?

What do you need to get in touch with him about anyway?

What is it you are asking then, you don't want an exclusive relationship with him and are having sex with other guys, he seems fine with this too....?

You seem to think you are ok with all of this but kinda contradict yourself with the doubt and what he actually thinks of you.

Why would it be over?
Because all my friends in real life have got it into my head that it should be committed by now, and couldn't bare to juggle dating different people. They've made me feel like I'm wrong for feeling this way. They expect it to be just them from the first kiss, whereas I'd prefer time (around 4 months actually) to suss out the dynamics of the relationships.

I don't know why feel like it's over. It's not - rationally I know this. But I'm all full of doubt about it. If he didn't have to leave for a month, everything would have just carried on as normal - I know that.

I don't need to get in touch - I just feel as though I should, and by not getting in touch I'm sacking him off or something.

God, I'm so shit at this.

Jan You seem to think you are ok with all of this but kinda contradict yourself with the doubt and what he actually thinks of you.

I know, I'm all over the place. Tbh I don't know what I want, or who I want. I'm finding everything very overwhelming.

Did you say anything to each other about being in touch while he's away? I don't see that there's anything wrong in a friendly text such as, hi, how's it going? are you enjoying it there? etc. Without reading anything more into it. He'll probably be delighted to hear from you, it just tells him you're thinking of him (not in a heavy way). No need to over analyse, you obviously enjoy each other's company as it isn't just about sex. Just enjoy it for what it is and live in the moment

fifty... No I didn't mention it. I wish I had.

You've hit the nail on the head though. Over analysing.

I need to chill out and take things in my stride more. I enjoy his company, I think he enjoys mine. That should be good enough for now. No need to plan the future!

It sounds to me like you want him to want to be with you in a 'normal' relationship type situation, even if you think a 'normal' relationship is not what you want.

Essentially, this relationship is not going to transition into the 'boyfriend and girlfriend' stage - that you speak of.

Twinkle - I appreciate your input, really I do, but why couldn't it? What's wrong with this?

When you sleep with other men - in the 12 weeks since you have known him- why do you do this? Not a moral question- just why? Is it purely for sex or are they 'dates' as well? Are you going out looking for these men - how do you meet?

The reason I'm asking is that you are behaving on the one hand as if you expect some kind of commitment from this guy- the need to have 'the talk' but on the other hand you have (each??) been playing the field all along anyway.

So why the need for the chat- and did he ask you the same question? or has it always been understood that what you have is really a FWB situation?

Hi varigatedivy.

Sleeping with other men - it's one other man, 3 times since August. He's a very old friend, from university. We've been sleeping together very much as FWB for 2 years. I kept sleeping with him whilst dating because well... why not - No commitment, I like having sex with him. There has been no 'looking for men' whatsoever.

I completely understand why you ask this. It looks like I'm keeping options open doesn't it? I think I kept seeing other people because I didn't want to look like a mug, getting too hung up on exclusivity too soon.

Why the need for the chat? Well, we'd been seeing each other for a few months, and I wanted to know what his intentions were specifically with regards to going away for Christmas. Mostly so I knew whether to continue seeing other people, but you know - its always useful to know where the relationship is?

It has never been FWB. Ever. If that was what he wanted, I wouldn't have gone there, and likewise in the future if he tells me that's all he wants me for, I'll be gone in a heartbeat.

This thread is helping me realize that a relationship is what I want though, thank you everyone.

Hmmm.

So what you said about having sex with other men was a bit of an exaggeration- no?

I suppose I can't get my head round why you'd sleep with an old friend when you have a new boyfriend on the scene who appears to like you.

Why aren't you having more sex with the new man if you like him- and sex?

I don't see what right you have to ask about his intentions when he's going away for 3 weeks or less when you've been sleeping with an old friend all along.

It's as if you are expecting him to do /not do/ admit to maybe wanting to do, what you've been doing all along.

Does he know you have had sex with this other man?

If not- why not?

Why is FWB okay with old friend, but not new boyfriend?

I'm not being uncharitable, but I am confused by your behaviour.

This doesn't make sense.

I think I kept seeing other people because I didn't want to look like a mug, getting too hung up on exclusivity too soon.

The other person is a FWB- he's not the fall back guy if this - or any other relationship/ new man- doesn't work out.

And why would you look like a fool? To whom?

Do you think you can protect yourself from being hurt by keeping up the sex with an old FWB?

I think you are deluding yourself on lots of accounts.

I'm confused by me too, honestly.

Why I was sleeping with an old friend, is because I thought he was probably sleeping with other people too. Last time I got my hopes up on exclusivity, only to find out he was sleeping with other women, hurt like a bitch. I was avoiding that pain.

Niether of us know for sure that the other is sleeping with other people - but we've both got a good idea that the other is, and have agreed on 'don't ask, don't tell' with regard to other partners.

I had no right to ask him, I was just being nosey.

FWB feels ok with my old guy, but not the new guy, because I don't want to do FWB any more. I want to be happy and healthy and in love again like I used to be before everything went to shit and I spent 5 years being punched in the face for having an opinion.

I'm not going to do FWB anymore. With anyone. No casual sex. It's not good for me.

I'm really really sorry. I'm honestly a mess. Tearing up now.

I'm not good at this, I know. I'm needy and neurotic and bloody terrified of making the wrong move or doing the wrong thing.

I think you are deluding yourself on lots of accounts.

This is true. I'm so scared of being hurt, and abused again. I find it really very hard to trust now.

Do you think you can protect yourself from being hurt by keeping up the sex with an old FWB?

Yes, that was exactly my logic. I know its wrong. I'm always going to be hurt, theres something so wrong with me.

Oh love...

there's nothing wrong with you- really!

In a nutshell you need to work on your self esteem. You need guys to feel worthy of having you as a girlfriend. I expect you are bright, funny and good company. Ok you fell for a tosser but that doesn't mean you will always attract that sort.

I think what perhaps you need to realise is that you don't have to have a man in your life- any man- either FWB, old flames or new men.

Once you can accept that you are perfectly able to have a good life as a single professional woman you will stop panicking that someone is going to hurt you.

Having said that, no one can protect themselves from being hurt - the only way is never to have a relationship.

You can try you know to hold back emotionally in a relationship, take it slowly, and not build up expectations without sleeping with another man as some kind of insurance policy!

In your situation I'd be asking the new guy if you are in fact 'an item' in his mind or not. If not then step back a bit or end it.

I don't think this game playing and behaving in ways to protect yourself from possible hurt is going to get you anywhere.

Decide what you want- if you want a relationship then either tell him this or behave in a way that shows it. If he runs for the hills, so be it.

LookingforAlaska I have been where you are now, and your posts have brought back memories of how I felt and how I was protecting myself but also really wishing the person I was in a casual relationship with would fall in love with me and declare his love and want to become boyfriend and girlfrind.

It won't ever happen. Not with this man. If you want an exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship it won't be with him. You need to accept that now.

Enjoy what you have with him, but make sure you know it will end at some point, when one of you has had enough or meets someone else.

It took me a long time to let my wall down and let someone in, so don't put too much pressure on yourself right now. Enjoy every day, enjoy what you have, but don't over analyse it.

Thank you so much. Really sobbing now.

I've asked for this thread to be deleted as seeing my problem like this makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Self esteem is definitley a huge issue for me. I only feel as worthy and as successful as my sexual relationships are.

I'm going to move over over to a thread about emotional/domestic abuse and recovery, as I think that might be of more help to me.

Thank you though, I really really mean it.

Feel free to PM if you want to continue off the forum.

Good luck anyway whatever you decide.....

varigatedivy talks a lot of sense, and I agree with all her advice.

Don't be so hard on yourself either.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are young you should be having fun. Dating should be fun. With the right men you are not going to get hurt. But to be honest there is always the risk of getting emotionally hurt when you fall in love.

I'm old but I think you should stop the fwb. Enjoy your friends this Christmas and have fun as a single person. Sent the new guy a txt just saying how are you?

By the way you have done well getting out of an abusive relationship. No one whether a man or a woman should hit you. We teach children not to hit. Walk away nxt time anyone is abusive to you. You sound lovely by the way.

Don't worry, your 'problem' is something you can change and improve, with lots of time and giving yourself lots of love and self-worth.