Advice on a friend with conspiracy beliefs that are threatening our friendship

[jinglejanglebells]

Hi - name changer in case the person involved ever sees this.

I have a very good friend who Ive known for a number of years and been through a lot together whose conspiracy beliefs are starting to threaten our friendship.

She has always been into alternative stuff like Reiki and crystal healing etc etc...which is fine - Im not a total cynic and believe if it helps people than thats what matters although I dont necessarily believe in the source of the healing (i.e vibrations or whatever)...

In more recent years she has completed in training in further alternative type stuff like EFT and reflexology and become involved in an online community that favours websites like natural news that purport to be about uncovering the truth around the so called conspiracy theories around "big pharma" 9/11 etc.

We have had a couple of difficult conversations about MMR but have always kept it respectful and agreed to disagree. Same about 9/11...agreed to disagree

However, I recently found out my mum has terminal cancer and am in an awful place emotionally with it right now. She is deteriorating rapidly and we expect her not to make new year. This friend has taken to posting "meme's" on facebook with quotes about how big pharma and the US gvernment etc have covered up that cancer cures exist. I am finding this deeply offensive and feel I cannot talk to her about it as I'll lose my temper.

Rationally I know shes probably doing it to try and "help" me but my less calm side is absolutely furious with her for doing this.

Can anyone please offer me any advice on either how to deal with this in my own mind or how to address with her without offending her. I am getting to the point where I feel I am going to have to cut the friendship off as I feel so angry and also that theres no end to the disagreements we are going to have as she continues her journey into alternative stuff.

TIA

Send her an email, stating your feelings in a calm and reasoned way, acknowledge that she may be trying to help but ask her to respect your grief and avoid posting anything about cancer? She may not take it well and in that case cut her off, but at least you would be giving it a try.

Thanks EirikurNoromaour...I'm finding it hard to formualte a sentence that doesnt involve the words "how could you not know that this is rude and offensive" :( Seriously how could some one not know this is really insensitive??

poor you and your mum - just tell her that at the moment you would really rather not have such posts as your MUM IS ILL!! silly cow she is your friend.
like my cousin who was giving it large about how we 'make our own diseases' right after my mum had passed away from leukaemia.

Nigellasdealer (phaha at the name) - thats appaling. Im just so sad that she cannot see how hurtful this is. Its almost as if shes blaming us for not seeking out these alternative cures that have been "proven" to cure cancer if it wasnt for the dastardly pharmaceutical industry. Dont get me wrong I know that drugs are created on the basis of how much money companies are able to make and I'm not naive enough to think the system is fully serving the best needs of people who are ill necessarily. But these squawking memes about how this doctor has been proven in a court of law to cure cancer just make me rage :(

Give her this as a Christmas present?

haha slug...I wish I could without causing a massive row...although I might buy it for myself and leave it strategically lying around on her next visit!

Tricky one.

People are attracted to conspiracy theories because it makes them feel special. They know the secret, they have the inside information nobody else has, and they are happy to share it with you.

But behind it all these people usually have buried some unresolved issues of their own, some trauma or sadness or grief that they attribute to failings of 'the system' or traditional views. They feel let down and cope with it by rejecting the norms.

I agree with the previous poster that if you want to stay friends with her you can try expressing your views, and see where it takes you. You won't be the first, and you won't be the last to say those things - people who are into conspiracy stuff tend to hear it lots! You could explain that your family has chosen to support your mum by following doctor's advice and other alternative approaches are not for you, so despite your friends best intentions these suggestions are not helpful, in fact quite the opposite.

She might understand. But you have to be prepared that she might not.

Thank you Glenshee thats a really insightful post...thinking about it I know she has a number of issues that fit with what you're saying...and that does help to take some of the fire out of how I'm feeling.

I guess Im really very sad as it stops us being as close friends (no matter how much I might tell myself I resepct her beliefs...I cant confide in her in the same way as her thought processes are so different).

I dont think she will understand if I address this with her as we have already had similar conversations about different topics and she continues to do this...because ultimately, she feel (no, KNOWS!) that she is right and its almost like a moral crusade for her.

Urghh. :(

jinglejanglebells "how could you not know that this is rude and offensive"

I don't think it's a bad idea to say that you find her suggestions offensive and insensitive at such a difficult time. There's nothing wrong with saying that.

Poor you OP. I would feel exactly the same as you if that had happened. I have had a similar sort of friend (who was deeply wacky religious) and as much as I tried to make it work, it ended eventually. With hindsight, I should have ended it sooner as I realised it was always me side-stepping the issues, listening tolerantly (and spleening behind her back), always trying to find a compromise route, basically doing all of the 'trying' to make it work iyswim. Friendships shouldn't be one-sided like this.

I now have a woo friend and we're much more open with each other, and when I and DS were very poorly she didn't offer anything woo .

Sorry not much help. But offering solace.

I think if you want to stay friends, you have to be honest with her. Being honest doesn't mean that you are right and she is wrong or the other way around.

It means that you expect her to respect your feelings (being offended) and your choices (re treatment plan) even though it's not in line with her beliefs.

Honestly, it's ok.

And I promise you she's heard all that before, from other people, many times over.

LeBFG - thanks, I would like her to be a woo friend that keeps her woo in check!

You're right Glenshee theres nothing wrong in me saying it. Im just worried in case it kicks off a row that ive not got the emotional space to deal with right now :(

I feel very very overwhelmed by everything that is happening and desperately need the support of friends. But its silly to expect everything to go right when you need it to I know that.

Hide her posts on Facebook (I learnt to do this recently and it's been a lovely revelation!) to calm yourself slightly.

Then I'd have a word with her... possibly involving a sharp implement if she doesn't desist, but that's just me

Could you seek support from other friends/people at this time, and return to this particular relationship when you feel you're more able to?

DorisShutt - I think I may well have to do that...would save the screen rage I unexpectedly encounter!

Glenshee...I have focussed on other friendships but we were/are very close and she messages me regularly when I go off radar to see how I am and offer EFT and other things (which is very kind of her I know). Shes had some big fallings out with a couple of people in recent years (not about alternative stuff - more about the morals of friendships, people she sees as being disloyal and so forth) so I know shes kind of twitchy about losing another friendship.

slug - interesting book! Never heard of it before.

Dear Friend of Jingle,

My mum is dying of cancer and I'm finding your comments concerning cancer cures etc etc incredibly offensive. Please stop sending me these messages. I'm struggling to cope at the moment and need emotional support right now.

Speak soon

Jingle

If she takes the huff then so be it. You have more important things to think about right now.

"I know shes kind of twitchy about losing another friendship."

Well, she shouldn't be so insensitive then.

So sorry to hear about your mum - you should focus 100% on what's best for you at this awful time. Don't worry about her feelings, because honestly, she's not worrying about yours.

Thank you Phalenopsis and Mooncupgoddess. She is being insensitive and its good to know I'm not the only one who thinks it.

slug - thanks for the link to the John Diamond book, I have been meaning to read it for years & have just ordered it.

jinglejanglebells - we had a relative who kept posting ridiculous homilies on FB. She was posting so many of them everyone else's news was invisible, we just hid her messages, problem solved.

Sending love and sympathy, jingle, you're where I was last Xmas. I really feel for you.

Don't be too restrained about this. Your friend is, after all, not offering you specific woo cures, which, though annoying, would at least be kindly meant. She is offering you woo propaganda, which is ultimately more about proving herself to be right than about helping you or your mother.

I'd be saying, 'given that conspiracy theories won't help cure my mum, this isn't the time to be raising this so please stop. Thanks'.

AngelaDaviesHair - that really helps me clarify my thoughts on this. It really is about being "right" rather than help or support. She has admitted this leaning towards wanting to be "right" before as she has said its related to how she was treated as though she was "thick" at school and her desire to be seen as credible and just basically not stupid (her own words)! This she admitted when we had a little polite altercation about MMR when I asked why she felt the need to keep posting stuff about the Italian court finding MMR was responsible for a child developing autism when we had had disagreements about it and agreed to avoid the subject between us. She initially stated "I can post what I like on my own facebook" (true) but then admitted very graciously that it was actually due to this need to be "right".