Am I expecting too much of my mother?

[Fairy1303]

This might be long, I don't want to drip feed.

I have felt throughout my childhood that's I was a bit of a spare part - my mum and Dad were childhood sweethearts and were very very in love and I perhaps got in the way a bit of them.

I was in child care from 7am to 7pm everyday, which is fine, but I would come home, they would have dinner together in the dining room and physically shut the door on me.

Anyway. I never wanted for anything but she is very emotionally unavailable - she just is never supportive.

Until I had my children I just never talked to her about anything difficult.

Now, I'm going through a very hard time in my marriage, and It all sort of tumbled out over the phone to my mum.

I told her I wanted to leave him.
She burst into tears and said 'oh for gods sake fairy' and then regaled off all the reasons as to why I was being ridiculous.

I went to stay with my aunt as I needed a break from home, mum came.
I told them everything (there have been some elements of DV).

She was supportive in front of my aunt (who was shocked), but in the car on the way home said 'either leave him or stay but it's pointless keeping on crying about it'.

Anyway.

Today I have a stomach bug. I phoned her to ask if she could come round to hell me with DS.
She made it so clear that she didn't want to, having already told me she was not doing anything today.

I know I should just accept that this is how she is but I just find her constant lack of support so so sad.

She doesn't sound great. How old are you?

I think you are expecting too much of your particular mother given her character and yes, it's very sad that she's not fitting some traditional model of maternal kindness and unconditional love. Them's the breaks.... We don't get to pick our parents and they don't to pick us.

I have a DM who is also very difficult to talk to about personal things because, despite being very maternal and kind, her way of dealing with problems and offering support is very different to mine. You see I'm the sort that would say 'leave or stay but it's pointless to keep crying'... and appreciate friends who take the same approach.

So I think - same as anyone else you encounter - you have to take her on face value and, if you want a particular response, tell her in advance what response it is you need. That or find someone who is more in tune with yourself.

Good luck

I'm 24.

I agree, and at times I absolutely agree that 'leave or stay but stop crying about it' would be fine,

But this is after I told her I was definitely leaving, he threatened to slit my throat. She told me leaving would ruin my children's lives and DHs life, and then followed it with leave or stay... Etc.

I agree with cogito you are probably never going to get the support you need from her because of who she is. It's sad but I think you would do better to seek other people in your life to give you the support you would like.
There are some pretty big things in my life that my parents know nothing about and a lot of people are baffled that I have kept it from them but tbh going to them with it would not be helpful to me I have good friends who give me the emotional support I need.

my mother is the same and i'm having to stay with my parents after leaving DV /abusive ex. When i cry eg because am homesick she'll say 'well tough. you can't go back and you won't be going back, get on with it'. Yes I know i'll never be going back but that doesn't make me less homesick or feeling loss (the loss of him is a good thing, however. I'm talking about loss of home, town, job etc). And my parents have a very long and loving marriage. I have to accept.. .hard though it is, they are never, ever going to get it.. or have empathy. I have to seek that in other places. Hence MN, counselling , womans centre etc..It's awful to have non supportive parents especially if you have friends, cousins etc with parents who are the complete opposite. And I'm a lot older than you and still feel very rejected and lost. I feel like an adult baby , in fact. But we can't change other people's behaviour. What was your mum's mum like// your mum's upbringing? My maternal grandparents were incredibly insular and madly in love to the point of being hermits (though my granddad was v ill in later life and my nan was carer).. my parents are very social but amazingly insular (in their own perfect little bubble) and I always feel horribly in the way,..
I understand how sad you must feel. I get practical support but it does get thrown in my face and I would rather swap practical for emotional and just a touch of empathy! they are very much 'pull yourself together you've left him so just get on with it' (they wouldn't last five minutes in my shoes)....

I also keep a lot of the big stuff from my parents.. they are very much people who 'victim blame'.

How sad. Are you an only child?

Im not particually close to my mum either i was the eldest of 5 and often got left to my own devices while she was looking after them and my bio dad was an alchholic which again took any attention away from me.

She was/is a good mum her hearts in right place but now we are all grown up she doesnt really help us with the kids or anything youve got to really guilt trip her for a bit of help like when my eldest had an hospital appointment i had nobody to collect my other from nursery and didnt want to struggle on the 4 buses with a double pram. She just moans about hy isnt my husband taking time off etc but at end of the day he cant have time off willy nilly. Ive got to the point where unless its necessery i dont ask her for any help or advice or anything. My mil couldnt be more different she comes to our house every thursday night after work and looks after the kids while me and the mr go do the food shop, they all sleep over once a month, sometimes more. If she didnt work full time she would actually love to help out even more :)

That is very sucky, and my mum is quite similar. I often felt that me and my sister arrived to spoil my mum's party lifestyle - and she had us fairly late and voluntarily.

Both my parents have very little sense of empathy and my sister and I were always left to get on with it. We were largely brought up by my mum's parents.

I'm not sure my mum has a maternal bone in her body. She plays the victim and makes out to others she's supportive. In reality my sister and I were accused of being lesbians for not being married by the time we were 20, assaulted by dad's friend? Suck it up, sexually assaulted by strangers? It's just a bit of fun. No interest in school or school work. My sister had to come to me when she started her periods because she knew my mum would be utterly useless. My sister left the country to get away from my parents (they don't know this and would be hurt).

Don't get me wrong, they're not completely evil - they just can't be relied upon for any form of emotional support. It's either 'you're crazy', 'suck it up' or 'it's all your fault - you've been like this since you were 6'. My mum expected me to entertain my very emotionally abusive ex when he turned up out of the blue after 15 years! I think the words Fuck and No crossed my lips. She was visibly disappointed.

Sorry, this thread is turning into me me me.

What I mean to say is: if you expect nothing, it dramatically cuts down on the disppointment levels.

post not thread

yes i agree..sadly, expect nothing. My parents actually pushed me to going back to my ex (which I did , before leaving for good months later when the abuse really kicked off again) and he also threatened to slit my throat..and his own. It still shocks me that they wanted me to go back. They will now begrudgingly admit they were wrong on that score and i was put in real danger..but are still very much 'get on with it' as they don't believe in anxiety and trauma..they think i'm lazy and being a victim if i even try to explain why i've not been able to work , sleep etc.. every day i get accused of 'prolonging it' even though i so rarely talk about it now... i get asked not to talk about it as it 'brings them stress'

YY to 'brings them stress' my dad told me not to upset my mum when I first told her of the reality of my marriage. Sorry - upset her?! What about me?!

Thank you for your posts. I appreciate them, and it's nice to see that it's not just me... I often look at others mums and think I'm the only one.

You are so not the only one. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to rant ! My parents have this perfect bubble so any upset, they see as a massive threat somehow.. and it really isn't fake... they really are lucky to be that happy and smug Well, I always hoped I'd turn out like them . Wasn't meant to be. They are the exception, I see that now... (to a long happy marriage) They say I'm abnormal because I 'associated with alcoholism' and I 'attracted' abuse by getting engaged to a 'recovered' alcoholic. (roll on a few years and he wasn't quite so recovered.. how was that my fault? it's a terminal disease. but yes it's my fault for 'agreeing' to meet him in the first place, and accepting his marriage proposal the next year). I was told that I have brought stress to this house and that I've caused my dad's recent heart attack. Even though he was in Australia. And very jetlagged. With high blood pressure. And it was two days after he'd got there and he had not slept and my brother's three kids were running him ragged. And he's had a heart attack in the past, linked to when he was a smoker. And I have kept much of what I've been through away from them.

OP, you need to find support in other areas... and learn to detach and accept, re your mum. I'm trying too...and it really hurts.. though I'm getting better..but as I'm staying with them I face it on a daily basis.. sometimes the best support comes from strangers... unlikely places.. I found mine in a counseller, Al Anon family group, MN and other forums and so on. So i focus on that and try and see that my mother is just doing all she knows .. it's not about lack of love but all she knows best. Even if to me it's not 'best'. I'm pretty sure her mum gave her 'tough love' and was distant. I know i adored my Gran, who was very loving to us grandkids..but it was a different story for my mum.
I do still get that twinge when well meaning friends say 'oh it must be great to be back with your folks. I bet you find it a real comfort' Little do they know. But I know, also, I'm better off than many. On the other side I also have friends who've had to completely cut out toxic parents (often siblings as well) for their own sanity.

you mention about some DV.
when i left him i would sometimes ring womans aid as it's free and 24 hours. For those awful lonely times at night when i couldnt sleep. Just helped to hear the voice of someone caring and non judgmental
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