Non resident ex manipulating 2 yr old

[Pidgeon30]

Hello all, I'm brand new to mumsnet but need some constructive advice/support please.
This may be long winded but I feel I need to explain some background so you can understand my situation. I have a 2 and half year old boy and a 6 month girl. My boys dad left me when I was 5 months preg for another woman (he had asked that we try for a baby?!) anyway after leaving he was awful to me however I let him have contact with our son and even had him at the birth. Anyway I stopped contact when he refused to return my son one day. This was shortly after he found out I had a new boyfriend. He then took me to court and subsequently a contact order was granted. All was going fine and I was happy as I felt this gave me some safety that my son would be returned to me at the time agreed in the order. This was working fine but now I am concerned as my son has started saying "I'm not happy" a lot and being mean to his 6 month old little sister. I thought this was possibly just a phase or toddler behavior but the other day my son said "I be nasty to Layla" I said who said be nasty to Layla and straight away he said "daddy said be nasty to Layla" I was shocked by this but wondered if it was a toddler fib. Then the next time he said "I'm not happy" I said who told you to say that? Straight away he said the name of my ex's partner. Am I being paranoid? I don't believe he would make this up as I didn't ask did daddy or did (ex's partner) tell you to say it. He hardly ever mentions either of them normally. Any words would be appreciated, I feel like this is my ex trying to turn my son against us xx

Toddlers are, unfortunately, not what you call a reliable witness. They are quite capable of saying bizarre stuff without much prompting. However, I think you have to take this on face value and have a word with your ex about how he's coming out with some odd stuff, 'little pitchers have big ears' and suggest you both agree - for example - to not badmouth each other in front of your DS.

Then talk to your DS directly (which I'm sure you're doing already) about how Layla is his sister, she loves him and it's not nice to be nasty etc. On 'happy' just check what he means by it rather than asking who told him to say it. My DS that age used to be convinced that if someone had to speak to him sharply it meant they didn't like him any more.

Good luck

Thank you, I know what you mean, he's like a little sponge and picks up so much. As you can imagine his dad flatly denies saying anything like this to him, however I have heard the way he talks to him on the phone. He is allowed a phone call during the week as contact was not granted due to his work schedule. It breaks my heart that he interrogates him and says things like "Daddy wanted to see you but mummy wouldn't let him" the occasion in question was a very short notice Wednesday that he wanted to have him for a few hours which the court order states needs notice as myself and partner both work full time but it was DS first ever nativity play a collaboration between lots of local childminders that I didn't want him to miss out on. On another occasion DS said he had spoken to grandad that day ex's response was "no you didn't! You will speak to real grandad at the weekend!" I don't understand why he is like this? surely if anyone was to be bitter it should be me however I remain neutral to situations as I grew up myself in a broken home so understand how harmful tit for tat and bad mouthing is. Very upsetting but I don't feel there is anywhere I can turn for help in this situation. All I get from Ex is "I have rights" I feel like my son is not the important thing for him it's all about control that he no longer has over me.

You're spot on with the control. He's like this because he sees your DS as very much 'his' - a piece of property - and probably you as well, even though he rejected you. He will be particularly pissed off about your new boyfriend who he will consider to be replacing him as Dad. ('Real grandad' is his DF I assume?) Refusing to return DS that time is significant of his ownership thinking and I would not be surprised if his game-plan is to work on DS to say one day 'I want to live with Dad'.

I think you need to keep careful records of all this and get legal advice just in case.

All I get from Ex is "I have rights tell him pdgeon, that actually no he doesn't, the only person with 'rights' is the child, what the parent has are responsibilities, one of which is to not emotionally abuse the child.

I think your absolutely right! I know he will try to get DS to want to live with him. Like he's father of the year! I'm going to get a book and keep a record of everything and speak to a solicitor friend of mine. And yes I totally agree with the latter point it is DS with rights not Ex!
Thanks for your replies, sometimes just getting it out of your head makes things seem clearer.