help me mumsnet

[twoshootingstars]

So it's that dark hour..
Had a shock earlier, my ex emailed to say he and the girl he left me for are expecting a baby. I knew it would happen, but gosh I don't even know what to write. It's been so hard for me to let go. We are not yet divorced even.
I just can't believe how my life has had this about turn.
It really was a bolt from the blue when he left, met a girl at work and just went.
We had no children of our own.
Am fighting hard not to feel a failure, and to truly believe my life will be amazing and magnificent. Already I got through the last year tremendously well, gained so much self knowledge, strength, belief in a positive world. I only want to believe, to know that things work out for the best. That all the heartache and pain I went through has a point to it, has a way of being 'for' something.
Already in my life I had had awful pain before this, my brother died in horrid circumstances and thought it was enough. But I ploughed on through rebuilding myself when the marriage ended. I took on selling the house, rebuilding my career. Being strong. Have wonderful friends an incredible family.
I just truly did love him, and thought we were a couple that were special. What were all the memories for, a beautiful wedding, all those happy times of joy.
I'd never had anyone that loved me so much believed in me so much and then the few months before he left, he must have changed but i couldn't see it at the time. I realise now I must have loved him so much more than me, I could never imagine causing another person such pain.
I couldn't hate him, couldn't deride him for the cruel low things he said to me afterwards that were justifications. Wanted to remember that he was a good person. Despite it all. I don't know why, it felt easier to do that. I want you to tell me that a good person doesn't hurt another in this way. I can't understand at this point how someone can love you so strongly and yet put you through the most unimaginable pain and misery. It has been fucking awful.

Sorry I just feel broken at this point. I do want to have children, i guess he's always ahead of me in having a new life, a life that I thought that we would be together.It has been so hard still to reconcile that, whatever I have done this year, the fantastic times I have had, have still felt like a part of me was missing.

Apologies if this is terribly self pitying. I know i will be ok. Will make sure I am, but I also know I didn't deserve any of it. I can't figure that out! How I could get it all wrong, get him so wrong.

Please tell me things to make me feel better, like what a bastard he was to lie and cheat and not to have the decency to end a marriage before starting with someone else. Maybe I can hear it now.
I know I can let go now, I hope I can. It is all so sad and caused so mush pain to me, my family. I guess I will never understand how someone could just give up and abandon and then start afresh.
Plus tell me, please tell me everything will be wonderful for me too!!
THANK YOU Xxxx

Morning two. It's really good to get things off your chest. What a lot you've had to deal with. I can't imagine the pain you have been coping with. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. You're clearly in a state of shock and things are still very raw. I know it doesn't feel it now but I 100% guarantee you will feel better and more than that, eventually realise you're better off without this man. You're right. A good man with healthy boundaries would have finished his marriage first. He doesn't deserve your generous view of him but someone else eventually will. You sound like a beautiful person. Things will get easier and then you will end up with someone who deserves you. I hope you're ok. I need to get up for work. I always find keeping a diary a good way to clear worrying thoughts. Big hugs.

Why is he emailing to tell you that?

Good morning two. What a body blow for you and I'm sorry.

But I see hope in your OP. You know, in the wee small hours this morning (wind and rain keeping sleep away) I was remembering when I felt like you do now. I honestly thought I'd lost the love of my life and I believed I would never feel that kind of love again. Time has taught me differently. I'm not in love with anyone now, nor even in a relationship but I feel so happy to know that I will love someone again. And so will you. In time.

As you have no dc together I really don't understand why he emailed you to tell you that. Sounds like a horrid person to me.

Very cruel of him.

Block him every way you can and just deal with the divorce through a solicitor.

You don't need the mental stress.

Things will get better. I promise.

Yes you will be fine, he, my guess is, will not. He wouldn't send you an email like that if he was.

oh two so sorry to hear about this dark night of the soul.

Things do get better, they do. And you sound very strong to have coped with your mum and rebuilding your life, home, career and friends. Even if you don't feel it now.

They do get better. Look after yourself

You may not see it now. You can go on to have a loving honest relationship and children with a man who respects you.

Funnily enough many cheaters who wouldn't marry/have kids or something else speedily do this to prove how right the new relationship was and supposed to be despite the hurt left.

Or the OW gets pregnant fast in the hopes of forming a tie with a man they know is capable of dumping on them from a great height.

Why is he texting you? To hurt you? Or because he thinks he can get a bigger split of assets in the divorce? Or because he really doesn't care how this would make you feel?

I can't think of any good reasons. Just bin it to you trash can. Have a wallow today. Thank your lucky stars you are free of him and pick yourself up tomorrow.

LADIES!!! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES.
This is just what I need to read and to believe it.
EQJunkie possibly to all of those options about him and about ow.. it was good to read that.
And fairylea made me smile to read how he sounded to you. I think I need to shift my thinking of him!!
I think he emailed me so I wouldn't hear it on the grapevine, I don't know. The financial arrangement it all settled so it has no effect on that. I imagine he does only wants the best for me, if only to make himself feel better.
So strange just to understand a man who I believed was such a kind, loving person could just put all that away in a box. I could never behave like that. I feel I was lied to all those years before really.
I guess his love must have been a superficial love. I have learnt through this that I do have a huge capacity for love and I hope and pray that there is a magnificent man out there for me. Guess, it's just searching for a reason, to make sense of it somehow. I did believe we were happy and would have done everything to sorted out problems before he met someone. Sadly I was never given that option. So hard to believe that someone you loved and once loved you could change and be so cruel, that has been the hardest thing to reconcile to. We have had such minimal contact, and I think he has only been able to see his own selfpity. He came round once complaining that his life had no magic now, had lost himself. Only a couple of months before this. HA!
Onwards.. I woke up to this beautiful morning, thank god the sun was shining, feeling a sense of liberation. I can't look back and do the whys and what ifs. Now carry on treading a beautiful path.
And thank you so much feelinlucky for saying I sound like a beautiful person.. I have fought hard to believe that again after all this.

I probably sound like a right ol' hippy. All the law of attraction/ universe stuff helped me so much through this and dancing, lots of dancing!
much love xx