Too much mn or just what was needed?

[Crazyoldlife]

Did anyone else feel that after reading mn and ea links that you started to feel anger towards ex and a real sense of what the hell has been happening? Or possibly that you now see everything as ea ? Last few days have been an eye opener.

I don't but then I've never been in an ea relationship so I can only imagine what that might be like. I am however, very touchy about the subjects that I do have experience of such as being cheated on or non consentual sex.

Looking at the responses a lot of threads get on here, it's clear that the relationship board is frequented by a lot of hurting women who think the worst of every situation. That's understandable if that's your perspective on life and love thanks to your own experiences. What concerns me is that all of us project our own thoughts and feelings onto threads where we just don't know what's happening. I'm bad for that. I just hope that those who are vulnerable don't get led down the wrong path because of something I've said. I tend, despite my history, to look on the positive side of most things, rather than looking for the bad. It's allowed my marriage and other aspects if my life to flourish but then I'm surrounded by good people who occasionally do bad things, rather than bad people who occasionally do good things. Not everybody has been as lucky as I am to expect and demand a certain level if conduct from the people in their lives and to have little problem weeding out the ones who don't make the grade without angst. Took a long while to to to the stage I have where I'm no longer being eaten up by my past and am instead better and stronger for it. It's hard to read the stories of people on here who haven't yet got to where I have in dealing with their problems.

I'd live to be rich and wave the magic wand to make those who want to leave relationships financially secure and safe so it's a little bit easier. Reading the boards can make you feel so helpless :(

I only see EA as EA. I don't recognise it around me because it isn't there. I really don't feel that having the more subtle ea techniques as well as the big ones explained encourages people to ascribe abusive labels to everyone whose behaviour is undesirable or twattish. I think it educates many people, it shows how necessary that education unfortunately seems and can help people recognise behaviour that might have been written off or accepted so they don't stay in a relationship that will crush them slowly into misery, or they can start to see (in a longer term relationship) it's really not them, it is the spouse and it is abuse.

If I were to see that I had been in an abusive relationship then yes I would feel anger at that person but also pride in myself that I was no longer in it and had broken away. I may well have a lot of unresolved feelings come to the surface that I hadn't previously been able to answer or that I had accepted were my fault & I may struggle to process how many lies and how much deceit was used to get me to believe those things. I may even feel a fool, because that's perfectly normal but I would turn that right back around. I hope that seeing it in black and white would let me dump a whole load of crap back on to the ex, placing the fault at the door of the abusive one and hopefully find closure.

I hope you are ok?

Interesting question, not sure if your also seeking something else for you as well though?

The threads I tend to get drawn towards are those which resonate with my own experience. I've done that for many reasons - to try and educate myself, to change how I behave, to 'arm' myself for the future, to ease my sadness, to try and help others - all sorts of reasons. But, yes, sometimes I feel very angry when I read other people's experiences and it takes me back and I've thought 'was he EA?'…… not sure if that's always a useful thing to do, or even if that matters now as I've moved on a lot and can actually look back and talk about my experience from a position of emotional distance. I can even remember some of the more neutral and mundane bits of everyday life in my (then) marriage!

I think the thing to do is take the bits that help you feel better about you and hold lightly the views which have a 'more or less fit' with what you've been through.

It's both of course. On the one hand, life is a continual process of learning. Getting new information & a different perspective means you can look at an experience through fresh eyes. On the other hand, once you're aware of something new, it's easy to become sensitised to it. It's a balance.

Emotional abuse or psychological bullying is all about control & manipulation. Victims are trained by their abusers to respond a particular way or suffer things like isolation, humiliation, threats (suicide, taking kids away), withdrawal of affection, no money, etc The victim is fine as long as they keep 'their head down so that's what they do. Park their self-esteem, stop challenging, stop asking awkward questions, stop having opinions.... but always a nagging doubt that it's not right.

So suddenly being exposed to a different point of view - e.g. being told by an MN crowd that it's probably an EA relationship - can be utterly disorientating and bewildering. You'll need time to find your own balance, regain some confidence and start trusting your judgement again.

More like reminders for me. Over the years some thigns have faded.

I'm also reminded of a sense of gratitude for my first real bf, who was sane, intelligent, challenging without being bullying and taught me to think for myself. Loving too. Without him, not sure what would have happened compared to the rather shitty men I'd known before.

MN helped me realise my ex was EA. It gave a label or name for his behaviour and helped me understand the script.

Now MN helps me know that I'm definitely not in an EA relationship now.

Flo white- I am looking for something for myself- I think all people are who are trying to make sense of their experiences. Some interesting comments.

Cilla- I feel the Same- before i just thought it was bad behaviour that possibly happened in many relationships.

It was on nethuns but they helped me recognise my relationship was terrible at best and abusive at worst,I got out of it eventually,for a long time I was paranoid about flags in my next relationship but then I wasn't fully healed.

Frequenting mumsnet relationship board has helped me reset and draw my line,I know what to expect and how I should be treated in relationships.
Mumsnet is an education do with it what you will.

And to answer your first question yes I got angry,upset and then detached when still in relationship then when we split I had anger,anxiety attacks and eventually detachment all over again,I have a dc to the twunt so in a couple years I will need to keep my eyes open for him being emotionally cruel to dc,he has limited supervised contact but she is 3 now so has real feelings.