Need help with mum (long....)

[katykittens]

Experienced mumsnetters, hi. I've never posted before but often lurk around the relationships bored and am always drawn to threads about daughters with difficult relationships with their mothers. Brief background is I'm 30, married and have a baby DS who is 6 months. I wouldn't say that my mum and I have always had a difficult relationship but she has always been a pain (and a bit of a bully, but I didn't realise and just took it) I suppose. It's only really in the last year when she has ramped up her behaviour and I learned what narcissism is that I realise she may have some tendencies. For example, when I know we are going to talk on the phone I usually prepare some things to keep me occupied during the conversation such as a nail file and polish as I know that it will be an hour or more of just her talking about herself. How hard her job is, her relationship with her DP, his kids, her relationship with my brothers (who incidentally have gone NC with her) etc.

We live really far apart so since I was pregnant her bullying and mean words have usually been by text, email or over the phone. Things started to get 'difficult' when she randomly announced over email that her DP and his 3 children would also be joining her and coming to stay with us for two weeks when the baby arrives because they wanted a holiday. Obviously I wasn't overjoyed at the prospect of just giving birth and having a full house to deal with, especially as I don't really know his children that well. She completely could not understand where I was coming from and said I was selfish, inconsiderate etc. So anyway, the rest of the pregnancy was littered here and there with odd comments such as "Why do I get the feeling that none of my kids like me" "I feel very unwelcome etc" as well as ridiculous parenting advice.

Fast forward to baby's arrival. We were prepared for what she would be like so had asked her very nicely if she could try not to interfere too much as we really wanted the opportunity as new parents to try and figure things out by ourselves. She didn't take kindly to that and started again with her "I feel unwelcome" "I've spent a lot of money to come here" "I already feel like just seeing my grandson and going straight home" "you are ruining my love and excitement for my new GS" She was unbearable. Once baby was home, there was constant bossiness "you must do this" "you have to use this" "this is what I did, so therefore you must also to do it exactly the same way". Along with what felt like constant criticism "don't do that" "he doesn't like that" "that's silly"

Things finally came to a head and we basically spoke to her again and asked her to back off a bit. Well, this was the most disastrous thing that had ever happened to her and there was a lot of being in a huff, woe is me etc. She did tone it back but pretty much didn't talk to us and would just spend time with DS. By the end of the trip she was nearly back to her usual self with commands and put-downs here and there about my parenting, my appearance, my house etc.

Sorry, that was a lot of background.

So, the reason I am posting is that she is back today and staying for Christmas and New Year. I am actually scared nervous. I'm looking for strategies on how to deal with and respond (or ignore?) to her comments without rocking the boat. Asking her nicely doesn't work. But it's Christmas and I want to avoid confrontation at all costs. So I think I need to be the bigger person and somehow not get drawn in. But it's so hard! I also need somewhere that I can go to to vent.

Thanks in advance.

relationships bored?! *board

so did you actually allow her to bring her DP and his children for 3 whole weeks just after you'd given birth? Tell me you put your foot down and refused. Please.

I think in the long term reducing contactis your pnly option. It won't be long until your DS can understand her and she will either start bullying him or get him on side and use him against you. Either way you need to protect him from her.

Over Christmas I think you'll have to do your best to ignore her.

Your brothers have the right idea

Wtf, you let her stay for 3 weeks with her partner & 3 kids after you had given birth. Wow.

Why on earth would you let her stay in your home again after that carry on, what does your husband say about it all.

Your brothers have gone NC, they sound pretty sensible.

To get through the next few weeks you need to ignore and rise above, like you said.

She gives crap advice? You hum and ha, say ok, and then do what you want to do anyway. She says nasty things, you say something short and to the point like "sorry you feel that way" and keep going, or go do something away from her.

You have already learned that you won't get her to change her behaviour because she will never see things from your POV. Its all about her and she will turn everything round. All you can do is manage her behaviour and not let it affect you.

Once she's back home just reduce contact, and don't invite her for long stays again.

I'm afraid that at some point you are going to have to face confrontation with her, since she is highly unpleasant and reason does not work, nor polite requests.

The world does not end if a confrontation takes place and, much as you love her, it also sounds like she's got you on the end of a leash trained to put up with her nastiness.

If there is a confrontation, you will survive. You won't go under. yes it's horrible and it takes a while for the ripples to subside, but a row is not the end of your world for you and your DS. You will be alright.

Other than that, what wannabe says sounds about right. Keep calm, no matter how horrible she is. Stay neutral.

I also think you might very well need to protect your son from her comments as he grows up, if you don't reduce contact.

she is back today and staying for Christmas and New Year.

Why did you invite her? Your brothers sound sensible; presumably they felt it would impinge on their own relationships.

I need to be the bigger person and somehow not get drawn in

Or you just need to walk away. You don't need to spend time with adults who upset you, other than in some very particular circumstances which certainly don't apply here. If she gets out of line, ask her to leave. If it doesn't get to that stage, make sure that you don't invite her again.

Its hard being the last one left but I would also now seriously consider going low or no contact with your mother. It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

Your boundaries with her seem very much non existent; she trained you well to serve her and her alone, she has basically made you an extension of her own self. You need to break away from her before she completely destroys you.

Look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers as well as reading "Children of the self absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then she is too toxic/difficult for your child to have any sort of contact with as well.

YoDiggity, in the end the rest of the gang only stayed at mine for 1 night before the baby was born and then in a hotel for a few nights. The rest of the trip they spent holidaying elsewhere, somewhere nearby. She stayed with us for the entire time.

CailinDana, I am already taking steps towards going low contact. Last time I made it quite clear that I did not want to be receiving anymore long-winded and negative text messages/emails. She agreed and for the last few months we only exchanged basic texts and I send her pictures of DS. We only ever call so she can talk to DS and that's only about once a week-10 days. I never talk to her alone anymore. I just want to get through this period!

DH is supportive and ended up in a big fight with her last time because of her behaviour. So now she doesn't like him.

I didn't invite her to come (either times), she already had this flight booked from months before DS was born. Last time when we all fell out, she said that she would come for this trip and then won't be visiting again because "I'm not welcome" and P (Dh) has created a barrier between me having a relationship with my GS". Let's see if she keeps that promise.

Long-term I think it's going to go the way I want it to go, just need hand-holding just now! In-laws and her DP (who is a very reasonable and nice man) are around and she won't be mean in front of them, so I'm hoping it won't all be as tough as I'm expecting. My DH said just make sure you're not in the same room alone haha!

Thank you wannabedomesticgoddess. Just need to try remember that and not bite!

Hi again all. So Christmas time was actually ok and went without major drama. Of course there was a few of the usual do this, do that which DH and I just kind of nodded and yeah yeahd at. She is now safely back home miles away but today text messages have started. I have had 3 lonnnnng texts. The first reads:

"I think I'm misunderstood by all my children sadly. My good intentions are always seen negatively bcoz I'm being open & honest about a situation. I'm actually quite a nice, kind person. People who know me well will vouch 4 that. It was quite nice to hear x saying that I was nice and funny. Sadly that open honesty has put a distance between my little family & basically destroyed our bond & our family. I feel I'm not the same person anymore. I'm a stranger to my family, too afraid to say anything in case I get accused of something. I feel like a broken person inside so much. I don't think that will ever go away in my heart. That is the greatest sadness. I know MrKatykittens and yourself have said it's not about me, to me it really is about me. I don't want to be another person."

And then another 2 equally lengthy texts saying much the same stuff, but she also talks about DS and how it's so sad for him! Sorry to make this a long post by typing the entire message. I'm already trying to go low contact, but just looking for advice on how to handle this??! What kind of reply should I give? Or say nothing? I'm sure she is genuinely depressed at the moment as she doesn't really have many people around her, isn't working at the moment etc. so I don't want to just be outright mean, but I really don't know what to say. Aaaah.

There's no need for you to say anything. Maybe just leave it? Anything else just feeds the drama, doesn't it?

I had a weird run-in with my mother at Xmas (good relationship fundamentally, punctuated by her occasional manipulative poor me episodes) and typically, got a text full of woe and wanting reassurance (i.e., for me to back down, say everything was fine, and in effect let her get away with her act of bad behaviour again). I just said I had no intention of talking about it.

She accepted that, so we are back on terms except I've come to a new resolve about what I will and will not put up with.

I'm at work so can't leave much of a response, but had to say something as she sounds exactly like my mum (who had a tantrum the night before my wedding, for example).
The only ways I have found to respond to that sort of message (which I get after almost every family event, as does my sister) is either to not reply at all or reply with something like "sorry you feel that way, we had a lovely time. wish you could enjoy it too"
no arguments, no persuading, just an "Oh" sort of response. It seems to be working for now....

Totally agree with Jenologist . That sort of calm, low-key reply is probably the best way to deal with it.