How should I talk to my 14 yr old sister about our Dad's crap family?

[CheesyFeet]

My 14 year old sister is suddenly asking a lot of questions about our dad who died when she was a baby. As far as I can tell, she is only asking them of me, we have two brothers who she isn't particularly close to and she doesn't speak to my Mum about much either. I have always told her that I am there for her if she needs someone to talk to. I am quite a lot older than her so I suppose she sees me as a sort of favourite aunt rather than a sister as I left home when she was very young.

Thing is, our Dad died under very trying circumstamces (he committed suicide when his business failed) and there were problems with his family afterwards. One of my Dad's brothers was named as the executor of my Dad's will and refused to do it. They have shown very little interest in us since my Dad died (it was always Dad that kept the contact going) and don't visit my Mum or even ask how she is or whether there is anything they and do for her. (Mum has been very ill herself over the past 10 years with heart problems). They and our Mum exchange Christmas cards and that's about it. None of my Dad's family were invited to my wedding and they have never met dd. I haven't seen most of them since his funeral nearly 14 years ago.

Dsis want to invite some of Dad's family to her birthday party in a couple of months. It is only natural that she is curious about them as she has had so little contact over the years. I think it's a terrible idea as my Mum would hate it. I need to sit down with dsis and explain a few things to her regarding Dad's family and I really don't want to do it.

I don't even know how much she knows about his death - or even if she knows that he died by his own hand. He has asked me questions about his funeral and where his remains are etc etc which I have been happy to answer. This is more difficult though as it will involve my Mum and upset everyone who remembers my Dad and his death.

I have (for now) safely buried many of the issues surrounding my Dad's death as I am dealing with a whole load of other stuff. I KNOW I am going to have to talk to her and to my Mum about her curiosity but I don't know where to start.

Help!

bumping this for you! what a terrible situation! me being a tactless idiot who very rarely thinks things thru, i would probably just tell her everything, but people far more sensible than i will no doubt come here and give you very very good reasons why that is a bad idea. fwiw, i think it is probably your mums place to tell your sister this stuff (with your support) rather than you to take it on yourself and risk upsetting your mum.

good luck.

Thanks MTPW. You are right, it should come from my Mum. Perhaps I should ring her and tell her that dsis is asking questions and tell her she needs to talk to dsis, but if there's anything I can do to ease things then I will. Trouble is I live 200 miles away from them.

I was wondering whether it might be worth me taking dsis to meet some of the relations - just the two of us. It would be loads easier on Mum that way.

From personal experience of this situation {very very very similar} i would say that depending on your sister i would talk to her openly and honestly. You need to do it soonish too because looking at the big picture this could lead to devastating situations later on for your sis.
Start at the begining, with photos maybe, tell her about how your mum and dad met, the wedding, when she was born, you know happy stuff that tells her about how she came about, how much she was loved and wanted by both parents etc etc.
Then go onto other stuff. let her lead with her questions, answer them as you go along but be honest as you remember things.
Do the sandwich method....happy/nice stuff/ uncomfortable/horrid stuff then ensure you end with more happy/nice stuff.
Does this help?

I like the sandwich method Donbean! Thanks for that. We have some great photos of him decorating her nursery while Mum was still pg... Mum has put them all in a photo album & memory book for her along with wedding pics & photos of me & our brothers when we were kids. We were all very aware when Dad died that she wouldn't remember him when she grew up . Now she is nearly grown up and asking all the questions you would expect, plus some that we weren't expecting.

I will have to ask Mum what she has told dsis before I say anything though as I need to know what she knows so I know where to start iyswim.

Sounds like she wants to know more about her roots really.
Unfortunately there is no getting away from the way in which he died, she may have questions about this as she too will probably have to go through her own grief about this, its as if she has just been told the news.....do you remember your reaction to this news when it happened? Keep that in mind, it may have been many years ago for you but for her it is now, new news now.
She is going through teenage years, hard enough in itself. Smooth the way for her, be patient and kind.
Dont worry if it brings up old feelings that you presumed were gone and dealt with, cry if you want to, show her that you still miss your dad.

As for the family thing, put aside your opinions on this, tell her the story in a balanced way if you can, let her make up her own mind.
You sound like you and your mum feel badly let down by these people, it sounds justified too but they are her link to the dad that she never knew, she will have a natural curiosity about them.
Chat with your mum like you say, it can only be useful and although very painful for her, it needs to be said and done for your sisters sake.
We made terrible mistakes when this happened in our family, i wish more than any thing in this world that we could turn back the clock to that night and to the subsequent years following but you cant and whats happened has happened.
I feel for you really i do. good luck with this, all the best x

Thankyou Donbean.

So sorry you have been there.

Everything you say makes so much sense.