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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OH Gambles And Is Violent

14 replies

KrissieJules · 18/12/2013 22:20

My OH has been gambling since DD was months old - I have turned to some pretty degrading work in order to be financially dependent!!
The other day he lost £700 on one hand of poker :( we got into a big fight and he rammed my head into a fence and cut it.
I'm so scared of being a single mum - his family live 200miles away and mine are not the most supportive.
I feel super guilty on my DD as she deserves a loving family! :( Like I've failed.
I don't know how to fix this anymore!

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:23

Aren't you more scared of living with this man?

Sorry, but you can't fix it. The only person who can it's him and he won't. :(

Your DD deserves a loving family, indeed, and that is why you must be safe, away from this man. You and your DD are a family.

Only one person has failed and that is him.

Get out. For her and yourself.

tribpot · 18/12/2013 22:27

I am literally unable to see how being a single mum would be worse than this - either for yourself or your dd. Your dd deserves the best you can realistically give her, and unfortunately that doesn't include a dad who is a good or reasonable person. You can't change the past but you can make choices to improve the future.

cestlavielife · 18/12/2013 23:04

Report him to police and leave.
You should be more scared of him really harming you or dc next time. He is out of control.

JinglingRexManningDay · 18/12/2013 23:07

He will either kill you or your dd if you do not leave. Call the police and women's aid.

spindlyspindler · 19/12/2013 02:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyBursarforHogswatch · 19/12/2013 03:14

Im so sorry he did that to you. Gambling, like any other addiction can only be tackled by the addict themselves. The AA mantra is used for a reason 'You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it' you will never be financially stable and able to provide for your daughter while he is pissing your money away, his need to gamble is always going to take priority over you and your child, whether that be luxuries or the very basics like food and warmth.

He is violent, you do not have to accept that and it is not your fault. In a marriage you row, conflict is part of life and resolving it never, ever, involves using violence, coercion or fear - never.
It will be less painful to minimise what happened, put it down to a loss of control and one off mistake, he will likely pressure you to accept what happened and carry on as normal - this may be by way of huge and emotional apology and promises or by denial, gaslighting and blame. Neither is ok, neither guaranteesit won't happen again or assure your safety. Once that line has been crossed violence often becomes more frequent. Even after all the guilt assuaging tears and sorries.

It is scary, the whole situation - the aggressive conflict, the assault and the fear of the unknown - it's ok to be scared by that. But, to be paralyzed by that fear puts you and your dd at huge risk of harm.
I understand why you may not feel strong enough to leave right now, but reporting this crime to the police is the first step in getting a free and safe future for both of you.
Please call Women's aid and let real life people with solutions help support you. Please call the police.

Are you safe now? Do you need to go to hospital to check your injury?

TotallyBursarforHogswatch · 19/12/2013 03:28

Sorry, I know this was the other day but what I mean is did you seek treatment, are you ok? It doesn't matter you didn't call the police immediately, you can still.
If you can't make that call please call Women's Aid.
If you have private browsing and can use the internet alone (assuming you can due to thread) then your first step can be their website.

There are people to help you all the way to a bright, safe and happy future. Your family not being supportive is not a reason to be treated the way you are, there are other people, people who know you and dd deserve so much more than living with an abusive man.
I know you need to get there in your own time but maybe just look at WA, it's not going to have any ramifications but might provide a bit of food for thought. The thing is, there is no magic bullet to fix this - you have no control if you stay with open eyes, you're at just as much risk & can't single handedly fix a broken person but leaving is initially scary. One of those choices gives you a much better future though.

MistressDeeCee · 19/12/2013 04:06

OP youre scared of being a single mum? Arent you afraid of losing your life? Your DD growing up in a violent home, blighting her life? You & DD ending up destitute?

Please, please take other poster's brilliant advice and dont do yourself & DD a massive dis-service, by remaining in a danger zone with an utterly callous, violent bully. You'll get no medals for it but you will get years of bitter tears of regret, in time to come. Get out. There is no other option.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/12/2013 05:52

Being a single mum is fine. In fact it's, great, and a million times better than being in an abusive relationship.
You haven't failed your dd, he has. But sadly, if you stay with him, she will be harmed in many ways. Leave for her sake, don't stay for her sake.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2013 06:55

You cannot fix this, its impossible to do so. He does not want fixing.
Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and make plans to escape this abuser.

Being a single parent is hard but far better that than a life with this person who is basically dragging you and by turn your child down with him. Is this the sort of life you want her to be witnessing?.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. Do you really want her ending up with someone like this person, you're teaching her currently that on some level this treatment of you is acceptable. He has reduced you in so many ways.

overmydeadbody · 19/12/2013 06:58

The only way to fix this is to leave him.

You can move back to where your family live, or you can start again in any other city.

You absolutely cannot stay with this man.

GinAndIt · 19/12/2013 07:06

You can't fix this. Please don't kid yourself that you can. You absolutely need to leave him. There's no hope for this relationship.

Being a single mum isn't that hard, actually - at least it's nothing compared to the shit you're being put through by this pathetic excuse for a man. You will be a thousand times better off, in every way, if you leave then staying with this lowlife.

If you stay, your dd will grow up thinking this kind of relationship is all she's good for.

Phone women's aid today - they will help. You need to be out of this situation ASAP.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/12/2013 07:06

Do report the assault. It's not 'failure' to be the victim of a criminal and, when it comes to legal aid and parenting arrangements, it's important to have it on record that someone is violent.

Also, please don't fear being a lone parent. Your child deserves better than to grow up in poverty & danger in a house where Mum is being battered by an angry man. You also deserve better. I'm a lone parent. My life is successful, relaxed and happy, my child is confident and well-loved and I am emphatically not a failure. You can have the same.

101 for the police DV unit. 0808 2000 247 for Womens Aid

GinAndIt · 19/12/2013 07:12

Yes, just to say, I'm a lone parent too. I have been for years - left XH when ds was very young. I love my life.

Please call WA - we do understand that it seems very daunting but tbh you don't really have much of a choice. You'll never find happiness or peace with this man in your life. You can do it.

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