I am hating the impact this has on our marriage...

[shimmerandglow]

Hi,

Regular, but have name changed as I know a family member is on here.

I've posted several times before about DH's toxic family. Lots of issues, that DH can recognise. His mother is a raging narcissist, his father an enabler etc. MIL has never accepted me into the family (classic case of threatened by a younger woman, 'stealing' her son and her limelight etc).

There have been many problems over the years, but several months ago there was an almighty row where they behaved in an appalling way. DH and I both tell them that unless they change their attitude and behaviour (not to mention apologise for what they did) that they cannot have a relationship with us and our children. They don't apologise and ignore our measured attempts to resolve matters. So we go no contact for several weeks, which has never happened before.

Except now I've discovered that DH has been in touch with them. It was for practical reasons and DH wasn't exactly saying 'all is forgiven, let's move on,' but his emails were friendly in tone. I thought this was a very stupid move - it's reinforcing to them that they can behave as they choose, and DH will eventually 'back down'.

I told DH as much and that, of course, created a row between us. He says, essentially 'I agree that they have been awful, but they are still my parents and I want to try to move on. '

I KNOW he's conditioned by years of their awful attitude. I know he's trying to be the better person. But this has happened SO many times, albeit on more minor levels. I TRULY thought he would stand firm this time.

I can calmly explain how I feel and think, but this is deeply painful for him. He is furious with them, but has faith that eventually 'things will be fine.' Personally I'm not sure. They've done some unforgivable things, and I'm not willing to move on myself. They're not my parents and have behaved hatefully towards me...but if DH is going to allow them back into our lives I'm not sure what to do.

Hmm. I have had a similarish issues with my sister. We have not been on speaking terms for a while and dh will not have anything to do with her at all after comments she made. However, I have exchanged text/FB messages with her, and I will call at some point. I figure it is not for DH to decide who I can and cannot converse with. I am an adult and can make up my own mind. Same goes for your DH.

Ive made it crystal clear that MIL is lucky she has saw them aslong as she had. I should of nipped it in the bud years ago.

Im protecting my babies.

OP, I think that would be the line in the sand for me - the children.

The bottom line is that he is putting his parents' feelings before yours. That shouldn't happen, actually. If it comes down to brass tacks, his FAMILY - you and the children - should come first. It can't work positively any other way... which you are discovering. That goes DOUBLE if they are the ones doing wrong. He's letting you down.

You, to your credit, are letting him make the decision to damage your relationship and are not blaming him for it. It's more than you need to do - you would be well within your rights to tell him that the current situation is damaging and to tell him to make his choice. But you aren't. You are compromising more than you need to here.

Where you should absolutely NOT compromise though is on the children. You can just about say - well - you go and see them, your decision. But him asking that your children be exposed to this toxicity is too much. Too much family sacrifice to make just so that he can continue to sit on the fence. I think that if he is entitled enough to start to whine that his wife won't let him take their children to hear their mother and their family being slagged off, then you as a family will cross the line where he slides off that fence and comes down on their side.

I'd be telling him now that he can continue to make his own decisions about himself - on the understanding that he is actually starting to put your relationship on the line. However, you believe that sadly it is unhealthy for your children to be exposed to their poison any longer and you no longer consent for them to be in contact.

If he can't see that that is more than fair - and that you are doing your duty as a parent in taking that stance - then I believe that long term you have a real problem.

Oh and it goes without saying that you should cut contact yourself and no longer have them at your home.