What is she trying to tell me?

[Hazydaze67]

I have an older sister who emigrated to Australia in 2006. We've never been particularly close mostly due to the 7 year age gap but I've always felt I could talk to her about most things and she has usually been very supportive. Obviously being 7 years older than me she went through the marriage/children thing long before I had even thought about it and,consequently, her children are in their twenties whilst mine are still only 7 and 3. My father died of cancer in 2002 and sadly my mother also succumbed to cancer in 2004 so, as you can imagine, it left me, my brother and my sister reeling. My mum and dad had always been the nucleus of the family and we would always gather at their house on a daily basis. The whole dynamic of our family changed with the passing of my mum, my brother wanted the house (even though he was not in a good position financially) and as he was the one who basically nursed my mum during her short illness, she died 6 weeks after we were told she had terminal cancer, my mum was eager for my brother to be given the house, her feeling was that both my sister and I were either married or in stable relationships and that we would both be provided for in the future whereas my brother had a wife and two children he could barely manage to support and he was the person most in need. I agreed with her initially but my sister cornered my one weekend when I was visiting my mum and said she didn't think it was fair that our brother got the house and we got nothing, that our dad wouldn't have wanted that to happen. Foolishly I was swayed by her and told my mum that I didn't think it was a good idea. My mum was understandably upset but agreed to change the will so that the house would be shared equally between the three of us. When my mum passed away my brother was unaware that this decision had been made and was under the impression that he would be moving into the house once he had sold his house. After a few days of deciding when we should tell my brother, I phoned him and told him that the house was going to be sold and the proceeds shared between us (notice how my sister makes the decisions and I am the messenger). He was furious and basically stopped communicating with me for the best part of a year - my mum's funeral was awful there was so much tension in the air. My sister had already decided she was emigrating to Australia before my mum passed away and as she was executor of the will I got the feeling she was in a hurry to get everything done and dusted. Consequently after a couple of months of the house being on the market with no interest, she decided that she would sell the house to our brother. I was angry about this mainly because I didn't think my brother had the money to do that and I didn't think it would be a good idea for him to live in a house which was steeped in so many memories, good and bad, but also because I had borne the brunt of my brother's disappointment at not being given the house in the first place. My sister emigrated in Aug 2006 and over the years contact has dwindled mainly due to her inability to use a telephone, she either texts or emails. One christmas both my brother and I received a round robin letter in our cards, which she had typed and obviously sent to loads of people.

Following the births of both my children I obviously missed having my mum around and thought my sister, having been through all this before me, would have been keen to be the one to help me with all those issues new mums have to deal with, even if it was from a distance. She came over for a holiday to the UK in 2008 but after saying she was going to come and stay with me for a couple of days, she emailed me to tell me that she was really ill on the flight over and couldn't face travelling from Wales to Kent so she wouldn't be coming after all. I had already guessed she would pull out at the last minute - this is what she does. I gritted my teeth and sent her a nice email back saying that I understood but that she could have phoned me to tell me but she just said she was so ill she didn't want to speak to anyone! I would have offered to go to Wales to visit her but felt that it was always down to me to make the effort to keep in touch so I didn't. After 2 weeks of being in the UK she finally graced me with a telephone call the day before they were due to fly back. There have been several instances over the years where I feel she has let me down and then last christmas it all came to a head. I tried unsuccessfully to set up a time to skype and then said shall I call you on New Years Day at a set time? Her reply was "oh we're going to the beach with a couple of friends but I might be back in time". Obviously when I phoned there was no answer and I left a message saying happy new year, speak to you soon. She never returned my call and she then forgot to send even a card for my daughter and son's birthday which both fall in January. She finally noticed that I had de-friended her on Facebook at the end of January and asked me what was wrong. I didn't respond to her message and she then sent me a vile email slagging me off and saying I was miserable and would never be happy as long as I thought I was a victim. She thinks that I was angry because of the forgotten birthdays but it's the accumulation of the years of shit I've had from her flaky behaviour. My husband said I should just ignore the email and just get on with my own life as it's unlikely I will ever see her again. So this is what I have done. Yesterday I received a xmas card from her addressed to my son and daughter and once again she is managing to upset me. Why would you do that? Sorry for the long post but I do feel as though I have got a load off my chest.

If you cut contact with her, without an explanation, why are you upset?
Her behaviour is not exactly unexpected.

She has sent the cards to your DC to send you a message. Just ignore it. Your children can do as they please.

Sorry, just realised they are too young. Your choice to keep them or return to sender.

I think it was unfair of her to sell the mother's house to the brother. It would have been better to sell the house and split the proceeds between all siblings. Presumably the sister in Oz has no plans to return to the UK?

I keep thinking that my mum and dad would be so sad that it's come to this and maybe I am being immature by cutting contact with her but as our contact was so sporadic anyway what is the point? My niece is expecting her first child in January (I found out through my brother) and so I sent her a card in September congratulating her and wishing her all the best. She didn't respond and I can't blame her for that because I would probably do the same in her position. I wasn't sending the card to try and open a line of communication to my sister. My niece is old enough to make her own decisions but my children are too young and, as my dd was only 6 months old when my sister emigrated, why would she want a card from someone she can't remember and who has made no effort to try and maintain a relationship with her over the years. I have binned the card as it really would mean nothing to either of my children. If she had addressed the card to me I would have been happy that she was trying to make amends but it's almost as if she's sent the card to them in an effort to force me to make contact with her if you know what I mean?

She is owed an explanation for cutting contact tho. A lengthy email is needed OP. No wonder she's fudged off with you.

I think it was fair for the house to be split three ways. Your brother had a house and decided to sell it and buy your mums house; he didn't have to do that, it was his choice. If you felt that your brother should have been better rewarded for looking after your mum then you could have offered him your share of the house for free.
Your sisters behaviour when she came to the UK is inexcusable, she should have made the effort to visit as it's such a long way to come. However, you could have gone to visit her list she was here. I think you both locked horns and behaved in a stubborn manner due to the history which isn't easy to forget.
I don't think you should dwell on the fact that she didn't send you a card, at least she isn't ignoring the children due to the disagreement that she has with you.
You deleted her on facebook and she sent a Nasty email in response. I think both of your behaviours were petty and have contributed to the feelings of animosity.
It really does sound like wrong has been done on both sides.
How is your relationship with your brother now? Can you concentrate on getting along with him and hope that your sister comes around in her own time?
Can you be the bigger person and offer your sister an olive branch?

You binned the card that she sent to your daughter??

She lives the other side ofthe world, and you've had little/sporadic contact since 2006. I'd ignore; if she texts/emails, reply as if to an acquaintance 'yes we're fine, all good thanks'.

You did the right thing by sending a card to neice, but as you say about your own dc- she is unlikely to rememebr much about you either, and has her own life and friends. A card from Aunty Hazey is neither here nor there to her.
Interesting that you heard about the baby from your brother. is he still in contact with her?

About the inheritance - personally I'd have been pissed off at getting nothing, as well. Ok DB nursed her, so maybe should have got a bit more (maybe jewellery or personal stuff) but the whole house? And as for you girls being 'looked after' because you were married - wtf? Doesn't mean you don't need your rightful inheritance.

It sounds like she is a definately big- sister type, who likes to dominate the agenda a bit. I think relationships like that can go off a bit when the younger siblings grow up and become equals, if the older ones can't adapt their dominating ways. Reflect a little on what your relationship was like when you were in your early 20's.... Did you have a opportunity to recalibrate? Or was that around the time your parents passed? From what you are saying she doesn't sound like a listening type... One who allows others to say what they think and feel, and change their ideas accordingly. In which case it is doubtless difficult to explain to her why you cut her off. Is it worth making the enormous effort to reestablish a relationship given the sporadic communication,distance and hard feelings?

Of course your feelings hurt if the last communication she had with you was a vile email.

I get on really well with my brother, he lives in Wales and we see each other as often as we can. He feels the same way about my sister as I do i.e., thinks she's flaky and selfish, and was pissed off with her too last xmas as he just got an email from her with about a hundred attachments of the family in the swimming pool with the message "merry xmas kiddo", but he's a bit more easy going than me and just puts up with it. If I thought she would actually read and recognise the things that I get pissed off about maybe it would be worth writing to her to explain, but we've been down this road before and she just makes excuses for her behaviour towards us, e.g., I'm so busy in work, the children are ill, I'm exhausted, I'm having problems with my step children, the list of excuses is endless. Yes I did throw the card in the bin, she's using my children as emotional blackmail, she couldn't give a stuff about them otherwise she would have remembered their birthdays last January?

You're husband said you'd probably never see her again or that she wouldn't be part of your life again!? did i understand that right?

I think when parents leave their house to one sibling it will end in tears, so don't beat yourselves up (any of you) for falling out over this.
As you say, the nucleus of your family has gone, your mum, the house, AND on top of that, a situation that was bound to cause upset was thrown in to the mix.

I would try and re establish contact with your sister and try to be honest about how you feel. Don't return presents or cards as that doesn't communicate anything valuable except bad feeling. If you communicate with her at least let it be something real that you're getting off your chest.

I don't think 7 years is a huge gap for adults. I hope you sort it out. It's sad to see bricks and mortar cause so much strife in a family but it happens all the time. Disastrous idea to leave a house to one sibling. Should always be split between all the children imo.

People should know why someone is cross with them. They can then choose whether they want to do something about it or not.

It would be better to tell her exactly how you feel. If you can type it all out here, you can type it out to her. You can make her excuses part of it if you want. After all, people find the time for those things that are most important to them.

If you tell her then at least you have done what you can to ensure that she knows. You can't control whether she reads it, whether she agrees with it or anything like that. She doesn't have to recognise it as truth because it's not 'truth', it's your truth. iyswim. But you can do the right thing from your end and be honest.

She lives on the other side of the world, she's not in your life as it is, you really have nothing to lose. And she may come to see at least some truth in what you say. And if she doesn't, at least you tried by telling her how you feel.

But be prepared for an indepth analysis from her re her views on your failings. If you want her to listen, you must also be willing to listen.

otoh, genes do not a family make and just cos someone is related to you, doesn't mean you have any obligation to them, or they to you. Doesn't even mean you have to like each other much less love each other! so if you really can't be arsed, then just block her email and move on with your life without her. If that's really what you want.

I truly think my mum thought she was doing the right thing about the house and she obviously felt indebted to my brother for all he did for her during those last weeks. I was living a four hour car drive away and could only help my brother on the weekend whereas my sister was living 10 mins away and could sometimes only manage a half an hour every couple of days! My mum was so upset that some days she only got a text message from my sister and I think this is possibly where I have a problem with text messages as a means of staying in touch as I know how lonely my mum was after my dad died. I drove from Kent on the morning my mum died to find her worrying about a letter she'd got from the solicitors confirming the change of will, that he'd got it wrong and that instead of saying it should be split between the three of us is was to go to my brother, my first thought was who cares about that now! Weeks later when all this upset about the house and my brother was still very raw, my sister told me that my mum had written a note for my brother saying she wanted him to have the house and had put it in the deed box. My sister then took it upon herself to remove this note and destroy it, my brother still doesn't know about this and I wish she hadn't told me as I have had to live with this secret for years.

I've already had an indepth analysis of my failings, she was quick enough to point those out to me in a particularly vicious email. It made me feel as though on the rare occasions when I'd sought her advice over things that were happening in my life that I was just being a major pain in the arse to her as apparently "I moan about everything even my kids and husband", err who doesn't at some point in their life, does that make me selfish? Obviously her problems were far more important than mine?

Do you still talk to your brother? Have you shared any of how you feel about all this with him?

Well, by not contacting her ever again she won't have to put up with your moaning will she?? You can send any cards you wish to whoever but don't put anything other than from Auntie Hazy etc.

You were ok about your brother having the house, she was deciding he should not. She left you to break the news to your dying mum and then pranced off to the land of Aus.

my sister told me that my mum had written a note for my brother saying she wanted him to have the house and had put it in the deed box. My sister then took it upon herself to remove this note and destroy it,

Not sure I like the sound of your sister at all.

My brother knows about the problems we had last xmas and that obviously we're not in touch with each other but I've made damn sure he doesn't feel like piggy in the middle so I don't mention her in conversations I have with him. He, in turn, doesn't really talk about her to me either except to tell me that my niece was pregnant. I'm not completely heartless and I do feel bad about the way things have turned out between us but I do think it's better that we just get on with our own lives now as she can't undo the things she said in her email and, whilst I accept I am not perfect, surely when you realise that you've forgotten someone's birthday (which happens) the natural thing to do would be to phone and explain and wish them a belated happy birthday? I think most people would also return a telephone call or at least try and make an effort to be in to answer one phone call at xmas or new year? In my mind, she had already decided she didn't want to bother keeping in touch with me on a regular basis and by me blocking her on facebook this gave her a legitimate excuse to have a go and make me out to be the unreasonable one. Why she has now decided to send a card almost 12 months after the falling out is the thing that is puzzling me?

hazy different people react and think in very different ways. Its possible that she simply doesn't see the problem over birthdays. I suspect you and she are reacting badly off each other over things in the past that have happened and over different perspectives and ways of reacting.

if you hadn't had those email(s) I'd say take a deep breath, try to be more tolerant and try to talk it out with her, even if its only for the sake of the early years when you were close. In future, don't get bent out of shape over unreturned calls but tail off the number of your own until you -do- get evidence of some effort to keep in contact, through calls, emails, text, skype, whatever.

However, once really nasty things have been said it becomes very hard to go back.

If you wish to try to resolve this, I would say send an email saying that things have spiralled out of control, you're sorry that things have come to this, that perhaps some time is needed but that maybe in future you can talk and try to sort things out, specially as your mum would be so sad to see the current situation. Then leave it until your own hot feeligns have subsided in a year or two. Then try to talk it out.

however, I suspect it's a bit tricky given that your sister has acted in certain ways. I would find destroying a letter from your mother almost unforgiveable. Perhaps that's just me though; perhaps I'm overreacting.

When your mother was ill your sister had children to look after, so although she was living nearby her energies were probably consumed by looking after her children. That doesn't mean that she didn't love your mum or wanted her well looked after, but your brother was fulfilling that role so she gave up half an hour every other day, which might have been what she could reasonably manage around her children. You and your brother didn't have children to look after so can't compare your own time spent caring for your mum with you sisters.
Inheritance causes problems in a lot of families and I think that the house should have been split equally regardless of who looked after your mum most in her days of ill health as you are all her children. What would your dad have wanted? Or expected?
Your sister could equally argue that she had children and that you could have moved closer to help more if you had so desired, but that you chose not to in pursuit of a career or whatever.
Your sister undoubtedly should have been the person who told your brother about the inheritance especially as she was the executor. She should not have led that role to you and she was out of order in doing so.
It seems that you and your sister are never going to get along well and certainly not without equal effort on both parts.
Dos your sister have any positive attributes?

Just to add:
Her destroying the letter was terrible. You should have mentioned something at the time. What she did was both immoral and illegal.

Yes my sister had children to look after but she also had a husband who was around quite a lot and could have helped lighten the load. My brother actually had two small children at the time and a wife who was incredibly supportive to both my mum and dad when they were ill. I didn't have children at the time but I did have a full-time job and had already taken the maximum amount of compassionate leave to look after my mum just before we found out she had cancer. To give you an idea of my sister's attitude towards my mum. When I had to leave Wales after a week of looking after my mum and I told my sister that I didn't think mum should be left alone as she was finding it difficult to get up and downstairs and could she possibly move in with her for a couple of days until whatever it was that was making her immobile passed, her reply was "no way, I'd end up killing her". Obviously she said these words without any idea of what was around the corner for all of us but I can't forget them. Anyway, thank you everyone for your replies as it has definitely given me something to think about but I'm still not convinced that trying to build a relationship with my sister after 12 months is worth my time and effort.

I think you're wasting your time tbh. Some of the things she's done are just unforgivable. And unforgettable. I don't think you could have a relationship worthy of the effort you'd have to put into it to even get to a point where you're talking. It's horrible. I'm going through something very similar with my sister. It's very painful, and takes a huge amount of energy.

I think she sent the letter to your DC to deliberately hurt you. She was saying "I'm not talking to YOU, I'm not wishing YOU a happy Christmas". I think she knew that you'd be upset to receive that card. That might have been her primary motivation for sending it...some people are just cruel. My viewpoint on your situation is very much clouded by what is happening with my sister though so I might not be the best person to comment! I would let the "I'd end up killing her" comment go though - it was tactless but a friend might have said the same words and you might not have reacted in the same way. I have to check that my reactions to my sister's words/behaviour are not swayed by her previous spiteful behaviour. It's hard though (understatement).

I think only you know whether the effort required would be worth getting in touch again. Would you just be opening yourself up to more hurt/disappointment?

Your sister deliberately destroyed evidence of how your mother wanted her assets divided.

You know this.

You and she be both gained to the tune of 1/3 a house each.

I would be careful of posting such information even if you think you are anonymous as I think you will be neck deep in the shit if this is ever discovered.

It's hard isn't? I feel so envious when I see friends of mine that have really close relationships with their sisters and often wish I could enjoy that too but we are poles apart, not just in distance. I had managed to put the past behind me and was feeling really positive about xmas this year but, yet again, she's managed to make me feel like shit because I don't know what message she is trying to get across. She's does have some redeeming features but they are hard to list when I feel so negative about her. Oh bollocks i'm just going to try and forget that she ever sent the card.