Decided to separate- practical advice please

[KittyConfused]

So yesterday I broke things off with my husband and told him I wanted to separate. He asked if he can stay here for a month as he has no money and nowhere to go and stay so we can both sort things out, which I agreed to. We both want to move out of the house which is privately rented and on a one month rolling contract. He also wants me to wait a while lbefore filing for divorce. I have no idea what to do next in a practical sense, can I tell the council we're separating even though we're still living together at the moment? I have no idea how we're going to support two households with a 2yo when we barely scrape along with one.

There are people on here very well versed in the financial side of things and I'm sure they'll be along to give you some pointers. My understanding is that, for benefits purposes, you can declare yourself separated even while still under the same roof.

But there is a lot more to it than just this immediate concern; you really need to speak to a solicitor or CAB to see where you stand. I would just say:
I have no idea how we're going to support two households with a 2yo when we barely scrape along with one.

This is not your worry! There is no longer any we and whilst you may still care for your ex, it is not your responsibility to look after him.

Well done for making the decision kitty, that part is so hard & full of feelings of guilt & inadequacy. I hope you feel a bit relieved that its done & he knows :)

First thing is, there is no longer any 'we'. You have to prioritise your dc & he can sort himself out. It can be weird, especially as you've always thought of him & considered his feelings but just bear in mind he may get nasty so you have to put yourselves first.

Why does he want you to wait a while for divorce? Does he think he can make you change your mind? As per point above it is not his decision when you decide to divorce, & you don't have to wait for his permission. Do it when you want to.

Go to see a solicitor (if you can afford it), if not make an appointment withe CAB as you need advice on assets & tax credits. As maparole said I think you can claim singly even if you live together but I'm not 100% sure. Ask the CAB:

• Can you cancel the joint tax credits claim & apply as a single parent
• Are you eligible for Housing Benefit/council tax benefit
• Where you stand if you wish to move out of the rented house but he doesn't. Can you leave without being jointly liable for the rent if he refuses to sign a new contract.

Can I speak from experience here & say that no matter how civil you think he will be, or he promises to be, you need to consider getting the CSA involved in child maintenance (I didn't & have regretted it ever since, as my exH is now unemployed & pays £10 every 2 weeks for my 2 DC). They can also help with access I believe.

Keep in mind that he may be going through a period of denial (hence the divorce wait) & that even the nicest man can get very very nasty when he realises you are serious about leaving. Try to prepare for this emotionally & make sure you don't put his needs above yours. Now you are seperated its not your problem where he lives or what he does. You only have to look after yourself & your child.

It seems daunting but its worth it, being in an unhappy marriage is soul destroying & I've never once regretted leaving mine. Just be strong & you will be OK.

get and joint account changed. either into just your name or open a new one. contact council tax and advise of date he will leave to sort that out.

try and talk together and decide on access and care of child. the CAB website has a good list of things you need to do/people to contact.

prepare yourself for ups and downs. even though your decision it will still be hard.

good luck

Thanks for your replies, onetiredmummy, I'm pretty sure he's clinging onto the hope that I'll change my mind without really believing that I will. I just want to move forwards now and sort proper living arrangements out as it's going to be so draining living with him but not being together :( suppose this is what I get separating this time of year, I agreed to get Christmas out of the way before I start packing my stuff and making arrangements for moving out. I want to give it some time before starting proceedings anyway, even if it's so we're not under the same roof while it's ongoing. We've already discussed childcare, as he's been the SAHD and I've been working part time, we're both happy to continue pretty much in the same way, splitting the time evenly. I'll try and get an appointment at the CAB, the website was very helpful though thanks