Reporting or just dealing with childhood sexual abuse as an adult- any experience or advice please

[whitetigerlily]

I wasn't sure where to post this so if anyone thinks it belongs elsewhere on here just tell me.

I am 40 years old and currently in counselling. To cut a long story short, something that has come up is that I think I am ready to acknowledge that I was sexually abused aged 13 (and before this at a younger age by someone else).

I have never referred to this as abuse before as I "let it happen" but my counsellor, plus stuff I have read and watched on the subject, has convinced me that there is no such thing as consent in the case of children.

I can also see now exactly how I was groomed and literally taken advantage of. I was 13/14, the guy was 18/19, I was from a very unhappy abusive home and vulnerable, he knew what he was doing and I would be amazed if he didn't continue with other girls after me.

One of the main emotional issues this and the rest of my childhood/ upbringing has left me with is that I have always felt as if no one really cares about me and that my feelings don't matter. This continues to have a profound effect on my relationships and my mental health.

Has anyone out there reported abuse that happened many years ago? Is it ever worth it? How do you even go about it and are you ever believed? My fear is I would just be ripped to shreds and not believed, but I just have to do something to finally stand up for myself, for the child that everyone ignored, so I can move on and heal as an adult.

If you didn't report it, how did you deal with/ acknowledge it? I've hidden this for 27 years and I don't know what to do.

Hi White, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I was sexually abused as a child, I was very young, probably around 5 or 6 and it was by my own father. I only really started to deal with it in my 20s, and I've only dealt with it inwardly iykwim. I've never confronted him, never told anyone, I don't see the point of going to the police because I have no proof. I don't want to tell my mum (they're separated anyway) because I think she would blame herself (and like you, I'm scared I won't be believed). There's no point confronting my Dad, he would deny it and sulk and play the victim and I know I would end up feeling worse.

Now just because I've never confronted it, that doesn't mean I'm saying you shouldn't. It took me a lot to come to my choice about it all and in the end I felt I should do what was best for me, and that was to deal with my issues rather than take on more by going to the police. Sometimes I feel weak when I think about how I've never had the guts to confront him, but I try not to beat myself up about it because I didn't ask for any of this and neither did you.

The issues it left me with meant I had a pretty bad idea of what a relationship was. My first boyfriend was controlling, aggressive, jealous etc. I left eventually and I learnt. The next guy had also been abused as a kid and was very depressed - I think I thought that if I could help him through it, then in turn it would help me. The reality was, it was toxic. The sex between us left me feeling even more rejected. I left, I learnt. My third relationship was, at the time I thought, perfect. Looking back he was controlling too, lacked empathy, had massive porn issues and left me feeling like a worthless freak because I didn't want sex with him! I left, I learnt.

And now, now I've met someone who is amazing, he really cares about me, he's been so understanding about sex that for the first time, I don't feel that pressure or fear and I can enjoy it (one of my biggest issues was that I only ever enjoyed sex with men I didn't really know, I felt in control and powerful. With men I loved I felt used and it seemed wrong, like I was being forced to give something I didn't want to give). The thing is, if I'd met him 10 years ago, I wouldn't have looked at him twice because I wasn't ready I guess, I didn't value what he could offer back then, or saw it as a weakness, I don't know...

So I guess in all this, what I'm saying is whether you do report it or not, is not really the biggest issue here, the biggest concern is YOU. You need to find a way to deal with what happened, learn about what you need and want and have the confidence to demand it. You did nothing wrong, you are not broken or damaged even though it can feel that way. You are a strong, brave woman who has every right to the life you crave, every right to the care and compassion you desire, you just need to believe you are worthy of it. xx

Thank you so much for your reply. So sorry this happened to you and I'm so glad you've met the right person. I have too I think, but things are not good at the moment as I am suffering, according to my counsellor, from post traumatic stress.

The man who abused me is very rich and successful. I have started another thread about this on here just now as I just needed to speak to people. Feel a bit stupid now as of course I can't report him, it would get me nowhere.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply xx

I've seen your other thread and please don't feel like you can't report him, you can, you just have to think about if that's the best thing to do for you. Think about your chances of a conviction, any proof you might have, other people he might have also abused etc. I know I might get shot down for saying this, but I don't always think reporting historic abuse is the best thing for someone in our position, sometimes you just need to move forward in another direction.

I know what it feels like, I haven't seen my Dad for about 8 years now, but I know I'll have to one day and I'll have to act normal - I'll have to fake tears at his funeral FFS!! All the time he is living his happy and rather fortunate life (he's not rich, but he's not doing badly) and it doesn't seem fair at all. No one knows what he's done, they all think he's a nice guy and it makes me sick that he got away with it. But, right now, the most important thing for me is to focus on getting my life together.

You said you are having problems with your partner? Maybe this needs to be your focus? Or maybe you do need to report this disgusting monster in order to move forward? I would say that when I started to deal with things in my 20's, it got worse before it got better and if you do find the strength to report him, you will have some very dark emotions to deal with, not just your own, but other peoples. Only you know what's best for you but talking on here may help you work out what that is. x

I have been trying to sort myself out for most of my adult life, never really understanding what the real problem was. I never even had the nerve to call this abuse before as I blamed myself. I watched a documentary about sexual abuse and something had just clicked into place in my mind.

Of course I wouldn't get a conviction. I know that. I have just felt so powerless all my life. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I do believe this is the one thing that I need to deal with somehow.

I also have a daughter now and I think that has triggered this as well. I wouldn't care even if she "consented"to sex at age 13, it would be abuse. It would be rape. And I would do whatever it took to protect her and prosecute the abuser. My parents are dead and never cared enough to protect me anyway. My dad saw me with this guy once and battered me. . No one is going to stand up for me. I wish I could do it for myself. But I know I can't.

I was also abused as a child, by a family friend. I haven't reported it and I never will as I don't know where he is now and I have no proof.

For me one of the hardest things to deal with was the fact that the abuse happened because my parents didn't protect me. Also when I told my mother, at 19, she said I was trying to make her feel guilty, I neede to stop talking about it and I wasn't to tell my dad. She hasn't mentioned it since. It was a massive slap in the face and I no longer consider her to be my mother. She's just let me down too much. It's hard to accept that but it's easier than constantly hoping for help and being disappointed over and over.

I was very lucky that I mety DH at 19

...and he helped me to deal with it. It sounds odd but something that has really helped is imagining the child I was and comforting her and telling her it'll be ok, it wasn't her fault etc.

I did report what happened to me. It was 20 years after the fact and my abuser was convicted - there was no 'evidence' other than my testimony and he completely denied what he'd done. I don't want to put too much detail here but convictions are possible in historical abuse cases, please don't feel that you have no options.

You can PM me if you want to know a bit more about the police and court process.

Thank you so much. With my kids right now but will pm you asap.

Thank you all brave people for sharing your stories with me.

Have 2 little kids here, trying to keep it together for them x

I was sexually assaulted as a 13 year old (35 years ago), and (thanks in large part to MN) know that I should report it. It's something I'll never forget, and I just want it acknowledged, really. The man who assaulted me was in a position where he had access to lots of eager to please, teenage girls. He was so confident, so sure that I wouldn't do or say anything to stop him, that I'm sure that he must have done the same thing to others.

Sorry OP, not to hijack your thread - just to say that yes I think you absolutely should report if you can find the courage to do so. I hope that one day I can too. Good luck.

Oh god, your post about feeling helpless had me in tears, I know so well how that feels. I'm going to be really honest here, if you don't think you have any proof for a conviction, then don't do it. Not to do him any kind of favour, but because it's not worth a bunch of people trying to pull apart your life, your memories, to go through it all again, to be called a liar. At least, don't do it now, not when you are still in the process of trying to get your head around what happened and how it affected you. I promise you, you will come out of this stronger, and maybe then you could go to the police.

Right now, I really think you need to focus on you. You said you don't want to be a victim anymore, but you're not. You confronted what happened, You're getting help, you've found a good man, you have a daughter - none of that is easy, you have shown strength in your actions even if you don't see it.

He, that thing, is insignificant, in so far as living your life now. His actions have shaped areas of your life yes, but he is nothing, he has no control over you now. I went through a phase after I came to terms with it, of telling people - not family or anyone who knows him, but friends. I think I just felt the need to stop carrying his secret and that in itself helped. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you need to believe that. Xx

Hi whitetigerlily I think it's good you're getting counselling as it's one way of you saying that your feelings do matter.

Don't forget that reporting is not the same as going to court. In my case I reported because I wanted to be sure he didn't have access to other young girls. Once the police confirmed he didn't they asked if I or the other victim who I knew of (who hadn't reported) wanted to proceed. We didn't and the case just lies on file and will only be reopened if there are other allegations.

That was the ideal for me. I caused him the humiliation of a police interview and the anxiety that he would be prosecuted but I didn't have to go to court.

The police were brilliant. The video interview was torture but the officers themselves were very supportive and at no point made me feel disbelieved. They kept me informed of the process and let me communicate by email which I found easier than phone.

I couldn't have done it without a counsellor to help me work through the feelings though.

I think you will just know yourself if it becomes the best thing for you to do. I wouldn't ever criticise anyone for not reporting. You need to put your well-being first in the way that others should have done when you were young.

I think Tesselation speaks good sense. I have a friend who did this. She also felt it was too long ago and preferred to heal herself than go through a court case, but she had her father visited by the police and interviewed which was gave her some degree of satisfaction.

It's a hard decision and each case is individual. I wish you well in looking after yourself as you look at all this.

I was abused as a teenager by someone in authority, but never thought it was bad enough to go to the police. I did tell my mum, who confronted the guy, but he just laughed it off, so I was made even more to feel as though I was getting upset about nothing.

15 years later the police got in touch with me. They'd had a report a few years earlier and found nothing, but then they had another report and found tapes he had made (not of me, I hasten to add) so then went through his records and contacted all the young females he'd come into close contact with through his business. Hence the phonecall. My initial response was "I was wondering when you'd call". I hadn't felt my experience was bad enough to go to them, but I was not surprised that he'd continued his treatment of girls IYSWIM. I always kept an eye on the news in case his name came up, in which case I was going to add my story for backup.

To cut a long story short, he's now in prison. There were a number of us who the police brought into the prosecution, and he was charged, and found guilty, of crimes against us all. The publicity from this case brought forward many more victims, and there was a further prosecution and sentencing.

So, however minor you think what happened to you was, and however long ago, the police will be interested. I still minimise what happened to me, even though it's had a really long-lasting impact on my life. I've had counselling for two years now and it is helping, but I can't see me regaining trust in people.