All one sided, need some advice please!

[shentok]

evening all, I am currently on maternity and me and DH are discussing the logistics of when I return to work in May. We will have DS (3) who will return back to full time nursery before starting school in September and DS2 (will be 8 months) who will also go to nursery. My problem lies with the complete detachment my DH has with any responsibility of the boys care when I go back to work. My job is client focused and so one/two times a month I need to go 'out on business' which interferes with drop off/pick ups, DH response to me is that I'll have to change my role (as if its that easy) so I am always accountable for the boys (to cover sickness as well), after all he is the breadwinner. now, I could handle this if 1) we didn't need my income-we could scrape by without it but DH wouldn't allow this as thinks I shouldn't be allowed to stay home with the boys and not work. 2) he would at least consider a complete change in my job (I.e sat job in shop somewhere) so any money I earn is ours and not paying for childcare...he will not even consider this (don't think he wants to look after the boys on his own....weekend is break from work in his eyes). what am I supposed to do? keep good job, still earn money but be accountable for the boys 24/7. am I being to sensitive about this? x

Swop him for tax credits.

No, you're not. Of course not. He's trying it on, because this is a difficult problem and it's easier for him to leave it for you to sort. Tell him to put his adult head on and help you come up with a solution or you'll hand in your notice.

No no no! This is all wrong! Red flags everywhere. Do not leave your job! Why are the kids your sole responsibility?

Did he want a family? Because it sounds more like he wants you barefoot and pregnant.

Was he clear about his stance on the whole childcare issue when you discussed it before having children?

Was he this unhelpful after your first child or is this a new thing since you had your second?

You have referred twice to things your husband will or won't 'allow' you to do. This is very very worrying. He is not treating you like a partner, he is treating you like a slave. They're his children. It is a partnership. He is as responsible for childcare as you are in that it should be an open discussion, not a case of him telling you how it is. Red flags everywhere. Sorry to be so blunt but I feel quite angry on your behalf. Has he always been like this?

thanks for your responses we both made the decisions together to have the kids, we knew it would be tough at financially but its only now we are looking into the finer details that he is leaving it all up to me. I really don't know what I am supposed to do. ....as lovely as dh is, this is where his faults lay as he will not come up with any helpful or practical ideas and prob just get annoyed with me for not having all the solutions x

You're both parents so tell him to pull his weight. End of.

It's quite passive aggressive though, refusing to partake in any of this problem solving. I think the worst thing you could do is quit your job. He knows full well you will ultimately carry the can if he refuses to engage. This is not about money (that is clear as he doesn't want to have the kids on his own, that is clearly beneath him), OP, it 's about power. What was the arrangement pre dc2?

Is he scared to look after the DC on his own?
Perhaps he needs more practice?

His fault is not in failing to help you solve a joint problem it is in deciding unilaterally that he is the head of the household and you are the subordinate domestic servant. He is not your boss. He doesn't get to tell you in what way you may be allowed to work. Is he expecting you to pay for the nursery out of your wage too?

I'm not sure I could stay with someone who expressed those opinions. In fact my STBXH did not express those opinions directly but certainly behaved that way towards me and I did leave.

he would at least consider a complete change in my job Seriously!

You married this man and had kids with him!

WTF is the point of giving up a job that I guess pays more than the NMW for one that pays only that and may not be as interesting because he doesn't want to be responsible for his kids. You will earn less to pay for childcare with and have less money left over wouldn't you?

He does also realise that there are people looking for jobs all over and that many jobs like he is suggesting now go on zero hour contracts (another topic) leaving you screwed financially for if they don't want you this week/leave/if your kids are sick and you need to cover 24/7 but still pay the nursery fees.

See if you can find a child minder or someone who can look after your DC those couple of evenings a week.

I take it you have to do 100% at the weekends as he considers them his 'break'.

Your H is being a twat.

My ExH was like this.

Sorry I was on a mobile device last night, and a bit tired. I don't think you should actually quit your job. But I think - if you're having a pointless conversation where someone is refusing to play ball - that saying "well I'll have to give up work then. No? Well grow up and accept these are your children and we are a team" might concentrate the mind. It might work. But I agree with previous posters there are serious balance of power issues here.

What notsuchasmugmarried said. In spades.

There is a serious power imbalance in your relationship which probably has always been there but your return to work and having two kids to care for has really exposed it.

As GuybrushThreepwoodMP said upthread, 'he won't allow it' is a sentence I would expect from a young girl referring to her father, not a grown woman referring to her husband. If you do not wish to be treated like some subservient appendage to your husband then now is the time to speak up. What would you say to a daughter if her partner behaved like this? Our parents marriage is an influential relationship role model, don't let your sons grow up thinking that having a penis entitles them to behave disrespectfully to their wives.

I would seriously consider relationship counselling as a third party might help challenge your husbands views as he doesn't appear all that interested in hearing your opinions (which is worrying in itself). You have a big say on how your marriage works, its time to exercise that voice.

OP do you ever get a night out on your own or a chance to go and do a hobby whilst he looks after the kids? He seems to think the children are your job and if he is otherwise a reasonable and good man, I think you seriously need to put your foot down and tell him that he is just as responsible for them as you are.

However, from your post I get the feeling that he's not reasonable and that he is controlling and see's you as not as important as he is. If that's the case, I fear there is no negotiating with someone like that.

Unfortunately you are finding out, as many women do when they become mothers, that the man you thought was a loving partner is in fact a man who considers women subhuman. This will not get any better and you will end up having to leave him, because attitudes like his (that a wife is something between a servant, a kitchen appliance and a pet, who needs to be trained to obedience) do not change.

I wouldnt quit your job over it he needs to try and see things from your point of view. Im actually a SAHM got 1 in full time school, 1 in nursery and the 2 youngest home with me, i have been a Sahm for 4 years now as when i went back to work after having my eldest it wasnt working out at all i kept having to goto doctors appointments etc with my child and other stuff.
Due to My fellas job and him having the good wage it makes sence that it was me to do all this type of stuff, but it is a burden. I would love to go back to work feel like longer i leave it longer its going to take me to get back into work but i know if i do it would be a struggle to juggle the childcare and finances of childcare so i dont really know.