A generally nice but over-controlling MIL..any experience?

[Sakura]

Hi,
Not a huge problem for me but maybe I need the shared wisdom of the ladies on here. My MIL is a nice lady but is way overcontrolling with her own kids (including DH) to the point where it has caused major problems in their lives. My DH was the third child, so seems to have not been affected as much as his older brother and sister. DHs older brother has a v bad relationship with her, and his older sister was divorced after a year and her ex said it was because he couldnt live with such a controlling person (I can see traits of my MIL in her, as she also tries to be very controlling with others including me)
I see that my DH finds decision-making very difficult, as though she never allowed him to make decisions by himself. And hes over-concerned with safety and injury, whereas Im more of a free-spirit who`ll go swimming in rivers, camping biking everywhere etc.

MIL does try it on with me, but I just argue against her pleasantly and put my own opinions and point accross. Everything has to be her way or its wrong, I mean EVERYTHING-even how to eat an apple! The problem is that Im pregnant now and I can see it could start to escalate. Id love for her to be involved in childcare (she lives down the road), but I dont want her turning my kids into the nervous wrecks her own children are. Do you think the mother is the main influence in a childs life, or can grandparents actually negatively influence children? I mean, will I have to keep a good check on the amount of time I let her spend with my children?
Also, any advice on simply how to DEAL with someone who just cant imagine that other people have their own ideas and ways of doing things?! I dont ever want to fall out with her, but sometimes she really rubs me up the wrong way. DH thinks shes basically normal (shes not), and although hell listen to what I think, hed never tell her to butt out of anything.
(Its not really relevant, but shes Japanese, and Im living in Japan at the moment)

Hmmmm my FIL is similar. Very controlling. My DH and his sister are the middle 2 of six and I'm sure they have come off worse for it. DH also really struggles to make decisions and rarely criticises his parents. I guess you're never really going to know how it will work until your baby is here and then you can see how she interacts with him/her. She may just go all gooey and cooey like any gran else try to take over in which case you would have to put your foot down.

I would not let this woman anywhere near your own children at least without you being present as she will impose her will on you all. Do not give her the power to do this and put her firmly in her place if and when she tries it on with you. Walking away from it will take the steam out of a controllers sails. Controlling behaviour is all about having power over the other person.

Both parents are the main influence in a child's life; we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Controlling behaviour is often learnt behaviour and as seen from other family members' experiences this controlling behaviour has now become a generational problem.

Patricia Evans has written a good book on the subject of controlling people and how to deal with them.

Thanks for the replies :-)
Yes, I suppose Im just going to have to wait and see and deal with it around the time the baby comes ( september). I wish I didnt have to always be on my guard with her though. When I first met her I was totally open and trusting (why wouldnt you be?) and then I realised what a controlling personality she has and of course it has the opposite effect that she wants. I become much less likely to take her advice and spend time with her. Whereas if she wasnt like that, I could relax and trust her more. Ideally, Id love to go back to part time work after a few months or so, and let her have the baby for a while, to make her feel involved, but her behaviour is just too weird for me to feel comfortable with. Id rather put my baby in childcare, which is sad really...

I wonder if the fact that she's Japanese is actually very relevant? From what I understand, although you probably know more, Japanese society/culture is very reserved and emphasises control of emotions and behaviour as being important. I know that this isn't the same as controlling behaviour but I do wonder if it is part of it?

Yes Ladidadi, it could be connected to her "Japaneseness" and it could be cultural, but that still wouldnt make it allright IYSWIM. I still have to deal with it, and I still instinctively feel I want to protect myself and kids from it. There are a lot of problems in Japanese society that are connected to this kind of overcontrolling behaviour. I know in the UK, we have our own social problems (like alcohol related violence, etc that could be said to be cultural, but it still doesnt make it okay)
But I think even by Japanese standards, shes more controlling than the average person. Everytime she tries to be conrolling, its like an alarm bell goes off in my head, like "Wait, no no no, somethings not right here", whereas my husband is so compliant, he accepts everything. I dont want my kids to be completely submissive and accepting if someone is trying to control them.

what does she do when you oppose her? I know a few people like her and if they tell me what to do I politely say "well actually I prefer things this way" and the message gets through.

I completely understand that her behaviour is unacceptable to you, I was just thinking that she is even less likely to see it is a problem if you tried to tackle her about it directly. I think that polite opposition to her ideas is probably the best way to go. Just always be very nice but firm with your own views and opinions. It may take a while but hopefully she would get the idea eventually.

Thanks, yes, polite opposition seems to be the way forward. Its just very tiring to be around her--it makes me not want to be around her. I suppose in general Im just dissapointed because before I knew what she was like I was hoping for a good relationship. I was really open to cooperating with her, and spending time with her, but spending time with someone who knows best about every little thing is just too annoying. Especially if its someone who feels they know whats best for YOU (!!!) If I politely oppose her opinion (or recently less and less politely), shell just look at me blankly as though the new information does not compute. Then next time the topic is brought up, shell bring up the same point. Its as though she magically forgets what I think about something and then she forces the opinion on me again. I just repeat what I said the first time in a more frustrated way, because I cannot BELIEVE that she is bringing things up again. I cant believe she won`t respect what I said to her the last time.

Sakura, if I remember correctly, traditionally in Japan the daughter in law is totally subservient to the mil. It's possible that this a purely cultural problem and if I were you I would just ignore her, keep her at a polite distance and find reliable childcare.
I also seem to remember that Japanese people tend to avoid conflict as much as possible so best to just keep her at arms lenght.

I know I have made sweeping generalisations but it's just another factor to consider. Where abouts in Japan are you?

I think you are doing the right thing. Polite opposition is certainly the way forward. You also seem to know quite well the japanese way of thinking. You need to find a japanese way to let her know what you would like to happen so that it is understandable and acceptable to her.
Re the hildren I don't think that you should not let them see their grand'ma. You WILL be their major influence. What they will learn from their relation with their grand parents is that people are different and it is OK.
If this is getting too much, just take a bit of distance. Let's say go to see them only once month instead of evey other week when it is really getting too much.
Also don't forget to talk to your DH! It's his mother and I think he needs to be involved in whatever way you are deciding to handle the situation.

Thanks ladies,
Carmenere, Im in Kyushu in the south. I think I really am going to go for paid childcare if I go back to work, which is really sad, because obviously a child would perhaps enjoy being with grandma more, but shes just too much. Doing THAT will cause conflict, but Im thinking of just drawing definite boundaries. Its difficult because she only lives down the street, and she has the looks and energy of a 40 year old woman! Apart from being overtly controlling, shes controlling in snidey ways too. Another thing she did the other day, is offering to help pay for stuff for the new baby- seems nice, you might think, untill the word she started using was "sponsor", as in Ill be your childs sponsor. Why on earth use such a businesslike word? Because she wants to be able to start dictating to us, because after all, shell be the childs sponsor. FFS! Why not buy a couple of babygros or a toy, like everyone else? Or, Ill be nice and invite her round on a sunday evening, and shell be all enthusiastic, then arrive nearly 2 hours late, when Im thinking of going to bed. Shes just too annoying...

Youknowwhat, its reassuring that you say that whatever happens, she cant majorly influence my baby. That is what I was hoping to hear. Yes, Ill just have to keep what Im doing and keep my distance as much as possible. I just wish she realised that shes pushing me away as much as she possibly could- her behaviour is having the opposite effect to what she wants.