I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by posting this - maybe some advice. Maybe someone just to tell me I'm not a dreadful person for thinking and feeling the way I do ?
Background. Been with DP for 20 years and have 2 DCs - 10 and 8. The youngest is autistic.
I work PT - 30 hours a week with a 20+ per week commute. DP works odd hours - some early starts and late finishes and often works away from home
The bottom line is that I am really struggling and don't know what to do. I'm feeling crushed under the burden of responsibility and don't know how to change the situation.
DP is basically a good bloke. I do love him and we have had some lovely happy times together and as a family. He can be amusing and we rarely argue. But he is lazy, forgetful and disorganised - sometimes with very negative consquences. He has a selfish side - a lot of time working away and being waited on hand and foot hasn't helped.
He's not taken to fatherhood very well. He is good at being 'fun dad ' but doesn't cope well with the day to day challenges - you know, the boring stuff. He doesn't cope well with DS's autism and behaviour. He gets frustrated and shouts a lot even though this confuses DS even more and doesn't help so I have to step in and appease everyone. He also spends a lot of time on his phone and in my opinion, neglects the DC a fair amount of the time because of this
The lions share of housework and childcare has fallen to me. DP will do housework but is one of those that 'doesn't see the mess' or 'forgets' - he often leaves things half done and I have to finish them. He will shop if I tell him what to buy ( although he forgets items off the list and has to go shopping again), doesn't plan meals or take care of school arrangements. He does do the finances though - although this is mainly to moan about how skint we are but not come up with a plan for making this better.
10 years ago we bought our dream family house as a restoration project. I would do bulk of the childcare and housework. He would do up the house. Apart from mega urgent jobs he has done nothing for about 6 years. It remains half done. I have offered to get people in, swap roles, asked, nagged, been reduced to tears on numerous occasions. It causes me so much stress but nothing happens.
So here I am at 46. I feel like a hamster in a wheel rushing from home, to the train, to work, and then back, pick up a bit of shopping, get home, tidy up, get kids, do homework, cook tea, do housework etc etc. Plan Christmas, make lists, organise childcare, try to sort out statement for DS, clean up cat sick, appease toxic mother, act as referee.
I just want it to stop. I'm not naive and I know it is 'just life' , but I want someone to share the burden and not make more work and undo what I have done. To come up with a plan. To not have to worry that he's gone to work and left the doors unlocked or, even worse, wide open. That the Christmas card I spent all evening writing are not still in the car as he's forgotten to post them. Again.
He knows all this. He says he will have to try harder, to fix things. We don't have sex either - his choice. Says he'll fix that too. I think I need us to separate as my love for him is being eroded by the stress and resentment that is slowly but surely building and I feel dreadful for thinking this but I just need it to change.
Thank you if you read this. Feels better writing it down !