How to explain

[Bigviking]

Hi

I posted recently regarding the breakdown of my marriage, but I deleted the thread because there was a lot of detail that could have outed me.

I've been with DH for 14 years and we have two DCs. DH is a lovely man, caring husband and fantastic dad. However, I've never felt passionately that he's the man for me. We got together young and our first DC was a happy accident. I feel like I've sleptwalked through everything else since then. We have a lovely time together with the kids but when it's just me and him I just don't feel in any way stimulated or interested by him.

I had always accepted that this was just the way things would be. However, last year my mum died after a long illness and I started to think differently about what I want, and to question whether or not I'm really happy. Yes, things are OK now with the kids, but what about when they get older and it's just us? I find the prospect of spending most of my spare time with DH depressing.

I wouldn't say that he's boring. But he just doesn't really have any opinions on things, and other than the kids, work, family and shared memories, there's not much conversation.

8 months after mum died a work colleague revealed he had feelings for me. I've always really liked this guy and always felt that we had a connection and could talk about anything. In terms of conversation he's the complete opposite of my husband. I'm not talking about leaving my husband for this guy but it did really make me think that I actually feel like I'm settling, which is an awful thing to say.

I've made the decision to tell my husband in the new year that I would like to separate. I already told him about 10 months ago that I wasn't happy, although I found it very difficult to explain why. I hinted at the reasons but he accused me of calling him boring, messing with his head, and having unrealistic expectations of what married life is like. I know that marriages have their ups and downs and it's not rosy all the time. But surely a shared sense of humour, and the ability to talk about anything, makes the downs harder to bear?

I've avoided going to counselling together with my husband as I don't think it would really achieve anything other than hurting his feelings even more. He can't change the way he is. I just don't know how I can explain to him how I really feel without completing crushing his confidence and making him feel like our marriage has been a sham.

How do I explain the way I feel?

I really don't think there is a good way of doing it, unless the other person also recognises there are problems in the marriage. :(

I think the best would be to say that you are not compatible. That each of you would probably be happy with someone else.

However, do make sure this is what you really want, as there may be no going back.

I think it sounds like the age old discounting everything that's gone before because you fancy someone else ie the "I love you but I am not in love with you" or "well it was never like this with US" or one of the other myriad of excuses trotted out by someone who wants to feel justified in having an affair without being labelled a mundane cheat.

Oh and that's not to say you should stick it out if you're not happy and want more out of life, just don't try and dress it up as being your dh's fault. You stuck it out for long enough till new interest came along didn't you?

Take the work colleague completely out of the equation and THEN ask yourself if your marriage is so unfulfilling that you would rather set up on your own, and remain on your own, than carry on with what sounds like a not very happy marriage. If staying married makes you unhappy then separate, it's that simple.

If you stay, your husband may well be happy but you won't.

If you go, you may well be happy but your husband won't.

Whose happiness do you put first? Its not much of a marriage if one person doesn't really want it.

I'm not trying to dress it up as being DHs fault. He's done nothing wrong other than be himself. It's my fault for letting things go this far. But I take your point about discounting everything that's gone before. I've often wondered whether I'm re-writing history to suit my current situation. I find it hard to remember what life was actually like before my mum became ill. And I know that we must have been happy at one point.

However, I also know that when a colleague of mine was ending her marriage about five years ago I felt very tearful about the fact that I didn't have the courage to do the same. And over the years I've almost wished that he would do something, eg cheat on me, or worse, which would give me justification to end the marriage - rather than it just being me saying I don't want this.

So I really don't think that I am re-writing history.

What is worse for someone to hear? That I'm interested in someone else or that I just don't feel compatible anymore? This is what I'm struggling with. In some ways it would be easier for me to just say there's someone else, but I don't know if that would be even more hurtful to my husband.

"I wouldn't say that he's boring. But he just doesn't really have any opinions on things, and other than the kids, work, family and shared memories, there's not much conversation."

This is me. Except it isn't really, I'm just really poor at communication and have an unnatural, severe reluctance to engage in conflict or challenging others views (even really simple, everyday stuff) to the point where I passively agree to pretty much everything with my partner. It's not healthy.

I'm working on it. Counselling is painful, but helpful. Could it be for your DH too?

I would find the marriage you have described dissatisfying too.

You have tried to discuss it with your husband and he just got defensive and nothing has changed. People are different. He may well be happy with the marriage he has, but you are not.

You and he sound like you have very different personalities and people value different things in a relationship.

If you've tried discussing it with him but he won't respond, then I think you would be reasonable in separating.

Well, you're interested in someone else, because you don't feel compatible anymore.

If you felt you and your DH were compatible then you wouldn't have noticed anyone else.

This is the point people on here are always talking about when they say, "sort it out or separate, don't have an affair".

Tell him you don't feel compatible. If he accuses you of having unrealistic expectations, just tell him that that is his opinion and yours is different and that is exactly what you mean about no longer being compatible. It just isn't what you want any more. But don't tell him there is someone else. Because there isn't really.

X-post, sounds a bit worse than my situation, feel free to ignore my last post.

Isn't there something you could do to make your own life more fore filling and interesting other than having an affair.
You could make a drastic change, have the excitement that you crave and then what?
The excitement gets boring.
And you spend the rest of your life bitterly regretting losing what most people desire.

Hi Abbykins

I feel that up to now that's what I've been doing. The void has been filled by friends and work colleagues. But that's not right is it? I don't want to spend all of my spare time with someone other than my DH. My DH should be the person I want to spend my time with!

And besides, my DH is very much a "lets do everything together" kind of person. If I took up a hobby that meant I was spending time away from home either in the evenings or weekends, he wouldn't be particularly happy about it.

That being said, I do worry that I could end our marriage and in a few years or less, be in the same position. And I know how lucky I am to have a nice husband who is a fantastic father to our children.

But I do think I'm making the right decision. I've been seriously thinking about this for a year, and now's the time to take action. Just how the hell do I do it?! I'm shitting myself.

Well I am the last person to stay in relationships just because you think you should. I never have and never will so if you feel so unhappy and unfulfilled you should leave.

Marriage ISN'T the be all and end all. Some people are happier not married or in LTR, I am one of them. They're not compulsory.

Your Mums illness probably got you thinking about what you really want out of life and if this isn't it that's fine, you just have to try and minimise the pain for all concerned. Oh and people who say you have unrealistic ideas of marriage are usually saying that because you don't want up adhere to theirs.

Keepithidden, I found your post interesting. Perhaps my husband is the same in terms of not wanting to offer his opinions or challenge what others think. I've always felt that was something "within" him that he couldn't change.

However, it's not really just about opinions. It's about general conversation about anything really. As a (crap) example, I was talking to DS about reincarnation and I asked him what animal he would like to be - he said a shark and explained his reasons why, I said a cat, but my DH just didn't say anything. He only really talks about actual facts, no imagination or theorising. I know I probably sound like a prat saying this. But I feel like I have more stimulating conversations with my son sometimes.