Embarrassed about sex. Help me!

[Maltakano]

My attitude to sex embarrasses me. I have always been self conscious about having / talking about having sex. I find it very difficult to initiate it, even if I want to, and I tend to wait for my DP to suggest it.

I think it might come from my experience while I was a teenager with regards to my parents. There was always an embarrassment surrounding sex in my house, it has probably influenced how I feel about it. I was also made to feel major shame when my parents found out I was in a relationship with a girl.

I was talking to my DP about this the other day (after sex(!)) and I realised I just can't let go. TMI alert!! When he is "down there" ( see I can't even type it) I always feel like I should be showing gratitude, giving back, and generally not receiving. I should say that he is very considerate and I feel sad that we don't have a lovely sex life.

A part of me doesn't really want to because it seems like hard work and I don't see how I will ever be liberated about this sort of thing. How can we work through this together, without having to say "boobs" and "willy"?

I should say that I am a confident person, who has no real hangups about body image. I'm a feminist and a mother, and I want to try and sort out my relationship with sex, so that I can pass a healthy attitude on to my daughter, as well as enjoy myself!

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and how did you improve it?

not sure i understand what your asking

he gives cunnilingus, you don't do blow jobs

hes not bothered

you don't want to anyway

whats the problem?

I do want to custard, and I do do blow jobs.

I want to want to, IYSWIM?

then i dont understand the post sorry

K.

I think that you need to continue talking to your husband. Tell him that you're embarrassed that you don't have words for certain body parts and sexual acts, and ask him what words he uses. Together you could agree on words you are both comfortable with.

Psychosexual counselling? Get very drunk?

Maybe if you can't talk directly you could write it down? I agree some sort of counselling may help.

Is there a difference if you have had a few drinks? I don't like initiating but find that i can if i've had a couple of glasses of wine!

Not sure how helpful that is, hopefully someone with more wisdom will be along..

I can relate to your post.
I grew up in an extremely religious household and was taught that sex was strictly for marriage only. I had massive hangups about it all through my twenties, huge anxiety, a slightly distorted view of how it all should be done. I guess I approached it as a "thing" that had to be got through and was slightly relieved when it was finished each time, so I focussed always on getting to the end rather than enjoying it as I went along.
I'm 34 now which isn't so old in the grand scheme of things but I'm old enough to have have chilled out about it a little bit. The anxiety has gone and I can enjoy the process now and giving my partner pleasure.
There is a book called "mating in captivity" which opened my eyes somewhat, just helped me understand focussing on sex being a pleasure and not a chore.
DH and I would have gone to sex therapy this year had things not spontaneously improved. Is that something you would consider?

Custard...really harsh response. The op is clearly saying she wants to let go and not be so het up about sex and asking for help- what's your beef?!

Op...could you try emailing a letter to your partner, detailing how you feel (a but like your op here) and lay your cads on the table. I think writing it all down for him to read is a first step and can lead to a convo about it...

Thanks for your replies! Thing I think my DP would rather die than go to a sex therapist! I would also probably die of embarrassment! I will have a look for that book though. I totally identify with the idea that it has to be got through. Not that I am enduring it, rather that there is a "goal". I am on SSRI antidepressants, so it's hard for me to reach that "goal". Yes that is a euphemism.

nottalotta I can't drink really as it causes insomnia. I know that back in the day when I did get drunk, I had fewer inhibitions.

I think I'd stick to you yourself working on sex a bit. I was bothered that you can't lie there and receive without feeling that you ought to e giving back right that second. Mushy mot imagine that for a while until you get used to the idea. And why not think about the fact that sex is natural and normal and people are probably doing it right now somewhere, and enjoying it, and cooking tea afterwards. You have the right to enjoy all sorts of love making. The initiating it, remember in The Walton's when the grandparents told about how the parents put a flower pot out on the front step when they wanted some alone time, and the grandparents would know to make themselves scarce? And every time the husband came home and saw the plant pot, he knew his wife felt like a bit of naughty and it was all good? Why don't you try that instead of wishing you could say something? X

Definitely get a copy of that book then, and see if you can focus on each stage of sex being a pleasure in itself. If something is not pleasurable, don't put up with it for the sake of reaching the end. Stop and try something else that is pleasurable. Try not focus on reaching the end, it doesn't matter if you end up there or not. The intimacy is the important thing, not the orgasms.