Hi everyone.
I could really do with a bit of feedback from some of you wise MNetters. It?s a very long story and I?m not good at being concise, but I will do my absolute best to make it as short as possible.
I started seeing my now DH at school when we were both 17 (we?re now in our early 20s). At the time, I was living alone with my dad, who was an alcoholic. It would take a long time to describe the many ways in which this was affecting my mental health, but in short, I was not very happy with my family situation: house was a tip, dad never spoke to me/was always drunk, etc.
When I started going out with DH (who obviously wasn?t my DH at that point), he was not particularly nice to me, but because I was very naive I just ignored the many ways in which he was disrespectful towards me, assuming that because he was willing to be in a relationship with me, he must deep down have thought a lot of me (yes, yes, I know. I have learnt my lesson). He was 17, very emotionally immature, socially unskilled, had zero actual close friends (although I didn?t realise this at the time because he hung around as part of a large group, and I just assumed at the time that he was closer to some of them than he actually was), had never been in a relationship before being with me, and, in retrospect, did not have a particularly healthy/respectful view of women. Terrible relationship with his own parents, especially his mum. There were a lot of warning signs that I just didn?t pick up on because I was so young.
Because the situation at my dad?s house was fairly dire, and DH and his family were willing for me to spend unlimited time at his house, I pretty much moved in within a few weeks of our relationship. I grew very emotionally dependent on DH in a way I had never been with anyone before ? I was used to family members ?deserting? me (my mum was also an alcoholic and had very little to do with me), and I became terrified of DH leaving me. I must, on the outside, have looked like a stereotypical clingy girlfriend, but in reality it was something stronger than that, like an anxiety disorder or something: I was constantly terrified that DH was going to get hit by a car or have some other horrible accident if I spent time away from him. I knew it was an unhealthy mindset but I didn?t know what to do ? I was just terrified of being left on my own again. My friends didn?t get it, thought I was just neglecting them because I couldn?t be bothered, didn?t like DH anyway (I can see why now), and drifted away. DH was not particularly nice to me, was actually horrible at times, but I just ignored it, thinking that deep down he must have cared about me.
I made sure we both applied to the same universities. I know, I know. We both got into the same one. In the summer before we left, DH became a born-again Christian (long story, but the only girl in the big group of ?friends? he hung out with was a committed Christian ? more on her later ? and she dragged him and others along to a Christian festival, where he ?found Jesus?).
When we got to university, he became very weird. In retrospect, I think he was possibly suffering from some sort of mental health problem as well. For example, he would convince himself that he had ?heard? God telling him to go and evangelise to random people ?for example, in the library at university. To be honest, it was humiliating to watch. He would insist on going out at about 1am on Friday and Saturday nights to hand out biscuits on a plate to drunk people coming out of clubs ? he would have gone alone, but because I was still suffering from this anxiety/attachment thing with him I insisted on coming with him because I was terrified he would get stabbed or something. I would feel the waves of condescension coming from the people he spoke to, I could tell how weird we both looked, but I couldn?t stop myself going for fear he would die if he went alone.
At one point, he told me that he would break up with me because I hadn?t Found Jesus and something about how ?light should not be yoked with darkness? or whatever, some scriptural thing. I had a panic attack, felt like I was going to die, and told him that I had Found Jesus as well. He believed me. I had actually started to hate Christianity for what it was doing to him (although I recognise now that it was not actually the religion?s fault, but some personal problem he was having), but I had to make a show of going to church (where I felt massively out of place and uncomfortable ? it was a huge one where people would routinely fall over due to being ?overcome with the spirit? and ?speak in tongues? and stuff during worship) and reading the Bible or else he would start telling me I needed to be spending more time with God.
My head was a mess by this point. He was the only person I ever spent time with ? I had completely failed to make friends at uni because of how anxious I was when I wasn?t around DH, and other people didn?t like DH much, generally. Or me, any more, because I had become so withdrawn and lacking in confidence. Prior to this, I had been a relatively normal, happy person. Now I felt like I was going a bit mad. I felt completely alone.
He proposed to me (more on this later). I said yes. We were 19. If you had told me before I got into the relationship that I would marry at 19 then I would have laughed in your face. I had always wanted to travel, have different jobs, different relationships, be independent, etc, but my anxiety was destroying me.
Once, in a period of vague clarity, I had started making plans to apply for Camp America, thinking that I needed to some time away to clear my head. I told DH, who in turn told me that to go away for such a reason would be ?selfish?, and that the only reason I should go abroad was to do missionary work, preferably in war zones. I crumbled and deleted my application.
Some time before the marriage, I (stupidly, immaturely, I know) asked DH if he ever had crushes on other girls while he was with me. Something that needs explaining at this point is that DH is 100% completely against lying ? in spite of being very nasty to me at times, he always thought he was behaving according to the Bible/Jesus? teachings, and Jesus is apparently v clear on the morality of lying ? i.e., don?t do it. I had been hoping to hear, at worst, that he had had some mild crushes but that he was ultimately in love with me. I was told instead that he didn?t find me particularly attractive, was in fact in love with the girl from school who had taken him to the Christian festival, though she was absolutely beautiful, perfect etc. and wished I was more like her. (At some later date, post-wedding, it transpired that the only reason he had even proposed to me was to ?impress? her by making a show of how Christian he was, by ensuring he married me before having sex, etc (we had had sex before, but only prior to his Finding Jesus). It sounds ridiculous and illogical ? why get married if he wanted her? I know, I know - but knowing him as well as I do, I believe it entirely.)
He was also attracted to several other girls who went to the Christian Union at our uni, apparently, which we both also attended. But not me. He apparently wished I was more ?smiley? and ?chatty? and ?wore nice clothes? (i.e. girly clothes ? I?m a jeans and t-shirt person) like all the other Christian girls he knew. I tried wearing a dress after this, and he told me it looked bad on me.
Anyway, at this point I became suicidal. I actually wondered if I was going insane. Looking back, I don?t know why I continued to put up with his shit, because I could not have been more miserable being away from him than I was with him, but he was literally the only person in my life, and without him I would have been entirely alone. I also still loved him. God knows why. In a bid for some voice of rationality, I rang my mum (the alcoholic; I have since found out that she also has a personality disorder). I told her everything ? the first time I had ever done so with anyone. She told me to stop overreacting and changed the subject.
We got married. The wedding was horrendous. I was miserable. All my family and ?friends? were there telling me how ?happy they were for me? and how DH and I were ?brilliant together?. It was one of the worst days of my life. The honeymoon involved a lot of me hearing about how perfect the girl he was infatuated with is (he felt like he had to tell me in order to be honest ? I know it sounds insane but I think this was the truth as he genuinely seemed to hate telling me about it), and also about how he wasn?t attracted to me.
We came back. In a surprise twist, the girl he was infatuated with ended up at our uni and we ended up sharing a house with her and her boyfriend. This involved a lot of DH seeing her, and then telling me his exact thoughts on her appearance in relation to mine (in a bid to be honest). I stopped wanting to sleep with him, but he told me I had to because not doing to would make me a Bad Wife in the Eyes of God. So I slept with him. He then told me that we couldn?t use contraception anymore because God Didn?t Like It, and that if we weren?t ?supposed? to get pregnant then God would prevent it. I argued a bit, but I was so worn down. I was starting to genuinely believe that The Bible was true and God was real, but He just didn?t want me and that I was destined for hell. It sounds insane, and possibly was, because I honestly think I was on the verge of some actual madness. (I dropped out of uni because I couldn?t cope, and got a job in a fast food chain ? not the best job in the world, but in all honesty the people there were lovely, I was able to talk to them without DH there, and I think it was only because of the time I spent with them that I didn?t either go mad or kill myself.) I had sex with DH without contraception, and lo and behold, I became pregnant.
Being pregnant gave me something to focus on. Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell DH I was no longer a Christian (didn?t have the courage to tell him I never had been in the first place). He let out some tortured cry (literally, like an animal dying) and then went completely cold, told me I was ?twisted and evil?, withdrew all physical affection. I tried to suppress how much this affected me because I was worried the stress would harm the baby. I considered separating from DH, and told him I was considering it, but he told me I would be an unfit parent on my own because I Didn?t Know Jesus, and that he would take me to court and win custody of our baby. I didn?t really understand how things worked at that point, and was too scared of this eventuality ? along with being homeless - to make a break for it.
Sorry, I know this is getting extremely long. I will try and speed up/cut it short.
Basically, I had the baby. In the hospital, DH kept trying to evangelise to the midwives etc, same with the Health Visitor, which made me extremely uncomfortable. But actually, he has become a lot milder since having our dd and has matured a lot, gained empathy skills and emotional intelligence. I really think he was mentally unwell before. DH is still a committed Christian, but no longer tells me when he thinks about other women, no longer pressures me to convert, and tells me he loves me and is glad he is with me. I know it sounds almost unbelievable, but he is actually now a very good husband. We have a good relationship, make each other laugh, etc. We are happy, and that includes our daughter. It has been a long road, but I have regained a lot of what I lost in terms of my mental health and am a lot stronger than before. If he was a bastard to me, I would leave, without doubt. The anxiety that I had about being apart from him has completely gone.
But there are problems. I really hate having sex with him. It brings back memories of feeling used, worthless, etc. It makes me feel awful, if I am honest. I have tried explaining this to him, but I don?t think he ?gets it?. I have pretty much stopped sleeping with him (and am strong enough now to tell him where to go if he pressures me) because of how awful it makes me feel, but he still makes me feel guilty about it. It really, really hurts my feelings that he can?t see how much he has affected me in this way. I have a high sex drive and would love to be able to have good, regular sex, but with him it is impossible. I cringe away from the thought of it, and though he doesn?t say it in so many words, I know he thinks I am being unreasonable. I feel guilty, because I know it must be hard for him, but I don?t know how to solve this.
The second problem is that at some point during the darker days of our relationship, I developed Social Anxiety Disorder. He was very critical of me at the time, and I suppose I thought that everyone else was seeing the same flaws in me that he was, and I became very self-conscious and unsociable, which was compounded by my complete isolation from family and old friends. I have since started coming out of my shell again, and have started making friends, which is amazing and something I never really expected to be able to do again... but I can only do it when he is not there. He isn?t critical of me any more ? I suppose he keeps any negative thoughts to himself, having stopped feeling the need to overshare in order to be honest ? but as soon as he arrives in any social situation, I start feeling nervous and something shuts off in my head. I had someone over the other day after DD came home from school, and we were having a good conversation; then DH came home from work early and unexpectedly, and I felt myself start to shake, I lost mental coherence, and I became very nervous.
DH has told me before that he doesn?t like how unsociable I am, he finds it disappointing that I don?t want to make mutual friends, etc. I would love for us to have mutual friends, to be honest, but like I said, there?s a block. I haven?t even tried explaining this to him because I know he wouldn?t understand.
This OP is huge and I still feel like it?s only the tip of the iceberg in terms of being a comprehensive explanation of my situation. Sorry it?s so long. I?m not sure anyone will get through it, but I?ll post it just in case because I really feel a need to discuss this in order to get completely past it all, and I still have nobody I?m close enough in RL to talk to. Thank you so much to anyone who actually reads it.