DH is NC with his parents. My Dad thinks it's awful

[EveningCalls]

DH went NC about 10 years ago after years of unpleasantness and me keep smoothing things over. In hindsight I should have left well alone and it would have happened sooner.

However, I was coming from the same place as my Dad is now where family is something to be cherished and where even though you disagree and fall out on occasion it's impossible to imagine that life could be better without your family.

There have been a few bereavements in our family recently which I suppose focuses the mind and my Dad has started "talking" to DH about it all again (he did it a lot when they first went NC) Dad really thinks it's an awful thing that has happened and that despite everything "she's his mum" and DH should make things better. He means well and I fully understand where he is coming from (having been there) but I don't know how to make him leave DH alone.

Thing is you quite clearly don't come from a place where the family dynamic is toxic so perhaps you can't see why going nc is sometimes the best option.

Exactly Gobby, that's where I was for a long time but I do get it now. My Dad doesn't.

Tell him that his nagging dh about it, won't change anything, and is making dh very unhappy. Ask if it is his intention to make dh very unhappy?

Point out that it is none of your dad's business and he'll cause a second rift if he carries on.

Explain that "meaning well" is not enough. Explain that there are things in your dad's life that aren't the way that you would do them, but you don't nag and judge and he shouldn't either.

If explaining and talking to him doesn't work, try "shut up Dad" every time he starts!

Your Dad needs to completely back off before he does any further harm by his meddling in things that are really not his concern or business. I would remind him too that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

He may never get it but it is still not his place to try and tell your DH what to do. Your Dad also needs to be made aware that many people go no contact after much thought and anguish about making such a decision in the first place. Not all families are as nice and kind as he made his to be, he needs to be reminded of that fact as well.

Have you outright asked your father to stop? This is the sort of thing that could really get to your DH and, at worst, reopen the whole thing. Myabe it won't be that bad, but it's worth talking to your DH about to see how he's taking it.

If your father will not respect an outright request then there's a bit of a problem. I would say in a rather loud tone "This is not something we are going to discuss and I've asked you not to, Dad". It's a bit blunt but then, repeatedly bringing something up that you've made clear shouldnt be discussed is very rude.

It's also actually none of his business.

Ask him whether he thinks the remaining children of Baby P's mum should remain in contact with her. This kind of thing really makes me annoyed. Not everyone has wonderful parents, your dad should be empathetic enough to understand that and not try to bully - however gently - your DP into a relationship he doesn't want. There is no law to say we have to have contact with people just because we share a percentage of the same genes. I wish people who have been lucky enough to have a loving and decent family would understand this and be less judgemental.

I can understand your dad's sentiments - thinking your DH may regret this when it's too late to do anything about it (i.e. after his parents have died). But, having made that point once, he needs to back off and accept this is your DH's decision. DH's relationship with his parents is none of your dad's business. You need to be very blunt and tell him to stop.

First: say "Dad, don't talk about this to DH again" - on your own

Second: say "Dad you have already been told not to discuss this" - in front of your DH

Third, explain to DH that he can ask your dad if he'd prefer going NC with DH too...

Erm, tell him to stop ?!?