Partner won't have a child with me

[chipmunk42]

My partner has children from a previous relationship and I have one child from previous marriage. We are both in our early 40s and I have always wanted another child.
We have discussed this issue and to begin with he said he wouldn't rule it out despite having had a vasectomy 8 years ago. Recently he told me that he definitely does not want anymore children. I am devastated.

Having waited a long time to find the right man, I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. The two issues are, firstly I feel he doesn't love me enough because he knows how important this is to me. Surely we can find a way to have our own child together? Secondly, how do I stop myself resenting his children, the youngest is 8 and he wants me to be very involved in their lives.

Am i being selfish? Am feeling very upset and almost as if I am mourning the child I will never have. Please advise. Thankyou x

You're not selfish, or wrong, but tbh neither is he. And it's not about his love for you, it's about his desire, or not, for another child.

I'm in a similar position w dh - we have 2 children, I'd dearly love a third, he really doesn't want one. I love him more than I want another so I'll have to accept that (it gets easier).

If you are already resenting his relationship with his other children, then be aware that having another child could easily make this worse, not better.

You're in your 40s and he's had the snip. Chances are poor anyway. I'd work on dealing with your disappointment if I were you. A child is not proof of love so please don't take it that way.

if it's 8 years since his surgery, it probably wouldn't reverse anyway. I'm sure I've read that the longer it is, the less chance of success. I may be wrong on that.

That said, neither of you are wrong in how you feel. Just incompatible in this area.

He has every right to not want a child. In fact, it would be totally unfair and irresponsible of him to help to bring a child into the world knowing it's not what he wants. Because it's about the child. Not him. Not you.

But you have every right to want a child! There's nothing wrong or unreasonable about that. Apart from thinking that your need for a child is ever going to matter more than his need to not have one.

I think that if he deliberately misled you be claiming that he might want to do it - that is very wrong of him. But if he really thought it was something he could consider and it is after careful consideration he's realised it's not what he wants - what more is there to say?

It's not about loving you. It's about bringing another human being into the world who has the right to be wanted by both parents. you should never do something as huge as create another person just to keep someone else happy.

I think that it is worse to make someone have a child who doesn't want one than it is to have someone who wants one have to make a choice between being with the person they are with and finding someone else to be with who wants a child.

Because it's about the child.

If you want children and he doesn't, then he is not the right man.

Chances of successfully reversing a vasectomy are not that good. And the fact he had one at all shows he is serious about not wanting children.

My DP had a vesectomy nearly 20 years ago and I would love another child. I realised that it would be unfair of me to bully him into it though as it wasn't really what he wanted. Sometimes I do feel upset about it but its something I will come to terms with because I love him.

If you want to spend the rest of your lives together please don't bully him into having another child. It could lead to huge amounts of resentment. It isn't fair on either of you or your existing children.

These situations are so difficult and so sad because there is no compromise to be had.

I have two children. I don't want anymore. It would be no reflection on how I felt about a partner, I just don't want any more children.

Unfortunately, I feel that in these cases, the wishes of the person who doesn't want a child trumps the wishes of the one who does.

I understand your sense of disappointment. My partner had the snip during our relationship, despite the fact that I really wanted another child and I begged him to reconsider (I have 2 boys really wanted a chance for a girl although another boy would have been fine). I went through a stage of looking at other peoples children, going to the shops and handling baby clothes and toys; I really grieved for about 3 years.

However, as I approach 40, I am sometimes glad that he took the decision out of my hands, as there are a lot of things I feel I still want to achieve in my life; Plus it is more difficult financially for larger families than before.

To be honest I will always have a little pang of regret. When I had my first two children I had so many problems with my ex it affected how I mothered them - had severe PND both times and early years are a blur. In a way I sometimes feel I haven't really had that early happy motherhood experience and want to experience it now. I feel more mature and wiser now plus being settled to really enjoy motherhood.

But its not to be, and actually I've put my energies into giving my first two everything I can. I don't know how I would afford to give another child all the tutors and effort I give them now.

I suggest that instead of resenting his 8 year old you throw yourself into mothering him full on. If you can't, leave this relationship sooner rather than later, and find someone else who wants children - but you know there's no guarantee that things would work out for the best if you do this either!

Bless you both, this is such a difficult issue and there are no winners here.

He has the right to not want anymore children or want a vasectomy reversal and to go through all the trauma of TTC with the possibility of you being no further along in a few years. Just as you have the right to decide this is a bigger issue than the relationship and to leave because of it.

What you can't do is try and force his hand using emotional black mail. That is going to wreck your relationship and is no basis for bringing a child into the world.

He didn't want kids.
He's had a vasectomy.

firstly I feel he doesn't love me enough because he knows how important this is to me - I'd suggest having a vasectomy showed he was pretty serious about not having more kids, and leaning on a man you know is infertile by choice to have more kids shows how important he is in the equation.

Perhaps you'd be happier with someone who wants children, and he'd be happier with someone who accepts him as he is?