Husband shouting at kids, how can I get him to stop??

[mum114567]

I'm looking for some advice please! Maybe someone on here has been through this and can offer some..
The tension in our home at the moment is unbearable. We have 2 children 8 and 10. DH and I were separated before for over a year and decided to give it another go. Of course we went for counselling throughout the break and things genuinely seemed much better. Now it seems as though we are back at square one. I feel he doesn't want to be here, although he states differently. He bangs doors, swears under his breath for nothing,, called our DC Pigs yesterday when we were 'christmas cleaning'. It breaks my heart to hear this. What is worse, our DC want to please him so much and he just can't be bothered most of the time. He works all the hours god sends, doesn't come to bed most nights, offers no emotional support whatsoever and if I broach the subject, it is my fault! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to put our DC through separation again, he has nowhere to go short term, we have no family around to support us. He thinks so little of me. I can feel the dislike towards me seeping through him. When I try to talk about this it is all in my head but he doesn't try to change things. Our DC know he is on the couch, I asked him to at least set his alarm to 6am if he wouldn't come to bed so kids don't see and he doesn't do it. I think he may be depressed but he hit the roof when I mentioned it. I feel like I am falling into depression slowly myself with these living conditions and it brings me to tears to think of our DC throughout this. we barely talk anymore and DC are telling me to do whatever it takes to cheer Daddy up!! They would never forgive me if we separated again :( I just want our living arrangements to be 'livable'.

I just want our living arrangements to be 'livable'

Of course you, but he clearly doesn't. You've done everything you can, there is no more to do. He cannot change.

I think you should find a way to seperate again but permanently this time.

It's down to him to change his behaviour - not any of you. And he neither wants or feels the need to change his behaviour.

Have you tried recording him (on phone for example) and letting him see his actual nasty self and how he deals with his children? It sounds unbearably horrible for you all.

How do you see your lives next year and onwards if you stay living with him?

He is treating your kids like shit. He is treating you like shit.

Your kids may be upset short term but they will be far happier than living in this hell and thinking it is how they should live when they grow up.

They already think that you should be being nicer to pacify a nasty arsehole.

Bad lesson to learn for them.

You all deserve better.

This is 'LTB'... sorry. He did the counselling under entirely false pretences, paid lipservice, waited for the dust to settle and now - encouraged by his success - he's back to his old tricks. Your kids may be upset short-term if you kick him out again but they will be damaged even more if he carries on under the same roof with an abusive bully.

The question in your OP is so twisted it breaks my heart. How can you stop somebody being vile and verbally abusive to their own children?? Normal people do NOT behave like this. You can't negotiate or pacify or appease an abusive arse into not being one.

Your children sound so broken and bullied by him. It's your job to protect them, not encourage them in delusions - they are only little, they need you to show them that this is not the way to deal with abuse. Please get them away from him and don't go back this time.

Wow- some response. I am in tears reading your replies. Of course I want to protect my children and they will come first, always.
I guess when I wrote this I was very angry after another silent morning. He isn't always like this. When he is in 'good form' we get along fine. However, I know it is still not good enough to have to ride these constant storms. He's a hard worker, gets on with everyone and tries his best. He had an awfully abusive childhood. That is why I thought things were dealt with when we went to counselling. He did try. We cannot communicate like this I know. My children will always come first but its the decision to try to help him (if he will agree get help himself) or leave for good.
When he had them every weekend over the year, he seemed to appreciate them more and rarely got mad with them. I thought it was down to the counselling but must not be. I found it very difficult to be separated from him as there were constant fights through solicitors etc. and I never got any peace. When we got back together it was that or leave the country as I couldn't take any more from him.

You're all living with the Dominator and you are all miserable. They are being profoundly affected by his actions and are being further damaged because they are learning already to become people pleasers (i.e put anyone else's needs above their own) and to also become codependent.

As EQ2 has rightly commented, "they already think that you should be being nicer to pacify a nasty arsehole". This is not at all healthy for them as young people because they could well fall into the same relationship traps as adults as you clearly have.

What are you still doing there?. I have to look at you here, why have you continued to stay with such a man even after originally separating from him?. Presumably he told you that he changed.

Please do not let your children grow up within such a disordered home, put them first now. They will not thank you for staying with such a person and wonder of you why you still put him in their minds before them. You and your children will never find peace or be at all happy so long as he is in your day to day lives.

You can break away for him for good but you have to take that first, often the most hardest of steps, to break away and to stay away for good this time around. Once you have truly taken that first step it will get easier. He will destroy you all if you were to stay with him for the long haul and your own relationship with your children will also be damaged because as adults they may well despise you for being weak and putting him before them.

0808 2000 247 is Womens Aid phone number.

Your partner like a lot of partners on this relationship board it seems, acts just how my father did. Yes of couse most of the time he was ok and was a "good" father, until he wasnt and the shouting, swearing and banging started. I too tried hard to not piss him off, i shouldnt of had to nor should your children. They will remember this when they are older and it will cloud thier childhood. Put them first and get rid of him, you wont regret it.

Abusers can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and you are all waiting for the next outburst in the meantime. Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. They can also be very plausible to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Your children are living in fear, their home is not what it should be i.e a sanctuary.

You also got with someone who had a truly abusive childhood; it is not surprising really that he has gone onto become an abusive adult. This is what he learnt.

Now to the present day; what are your children learning about relationships here. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them, if you really want to put your children first then you must leave him.

Counselling is a waste of time when it comes to abusive men like this person is because they use such sessions to manipulate the counsellor and in turn to further mess you around. You cannot help someone this damaged and besides which he does not want your help anyway. He hates all women and people.

When you are finally free of this person I would suggest you get yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could well help you. Abusive men like your man can and do take years to recover from.

He sounds very much like my Dad. My Mum stayed with him until I was 17 and my sisters were 11 and 13. As a teenager I learnt that my Dad hated us and felt that we ruined his life. It's painful to think about now. I became a people pleaser as a result.

I don't envy the situation you are in. How about writing down how you feel and your fears for the children in an email or letter so it's less likely to turn into an argument. Could you try to make him understand that you want things to work but you can't stay with him while he is onviously so unhappy?

The only option for OP going forward is to leave before any further harm is committed against her and her children.

Letters and other forms of communication would be a wasted effort because he is at heart unreasonable; he knows what he is doing and sees nothing wrong with his actions. He acts like this as well because he can.

Its not just OP who is being harmed here. These children as well are well on the way to learning how to become people pleasers which does affect badly their own adult relationship choices

"He had an awfully abusive childhood"

Which is sad but it's no reason for him to condemn your DCs to a version of the same. Also, a lot of people who have abusive childhoods choose to reject that behaviour - overcompensate even - to make sure their own family doesn't suffer what they did. So it's not a straight-line cause and effect. He made separation difficult, he makes life with him difficult. When you're with someone you can't please, you can't win if you're always making them top priority.

So do protect yourself and your DCs. Be #1 priority for a change.

you cannoy stop him.
only he can stop himself.

you cant change this situaiton while you lviing together like this.

dont second guess the DC - they will prefera happy safe home not one like this.

My father had an abusive and very twisted childhood. He was treated appallingly but that doesn't excuse what he did to me when I was growing up. He was physically and emotionally abusive to my mum and I and was only nice to me when he was pissed or was throwing money around. I wished with all my heart that my parents would divorce but my mother never had the courage to leave him and still suffers to this day. I have very mixed feelings about her as even though the logical part of me recognises that she too was a victim, she should have protected me rather than throwing me to the wolves and telling me to defend myself when it should have been her doing it by removing me from the situation. So whilst I don't despise my mother, I do understand Attilla's point as my feelings towards my mother are mixed.

To this day, she firmly believes that she shielded me and that I have little idea of what my father is really like. She's deluded because I really do know.

How has my father's treatment affected me? Well, I had a nervous breakdown in my twenties, have seen three different types of therapist and don't have much confidence in myself despite going to university and having jobs. I'm frightened of men to tell the truth and have experienced abuse at the hands of them because it took me a while to figure out that a) It wasn't my fault that I was being abused and I didn't have to tolerate it and b) that not all men are abusive.

By staying with this man, you are making the lives of your children and your own life miserable. No man is worth that.

jenniferlawrence wrote
"As a teenager I learnt that my Dad hated us and felt that we ruined his life."

OP does your husband resent you and the DC?
Did he want to marry?
Did he want the kids?
If you were to spilt how would he cope financially?

"When we got back together it was that or leave the country as I couldn't take any more from him"

This says it all. I can see how the DC's response is putting you under pressure but this tells you that it can't go on. Get counselling for yourself to discuss it all. I think writing him a letter, to say that things will have to end as the situation's no good for any of you, is a good idea.

"He had an awfully abusive childhood"
Your DC are now having an abusive childhood

"He isn't always like this. When he is in 'good form' we get along fine."
As myself and so many other partners/XP's of abusive people on here can confirm, this is how most abusers are. they ALL have great sides, can be fun, can jolly along well - when it suits them.

I am overwhelmed by the response - thank you all so much. I told DH that we need to talk and said that our home life was horrible. He agreed and stated that he is moving out after Christmas as he doesn't trust me and it's my actions that have brought us here. So I guess I will have to take the blame - at least to the outside world. It is all baloney,, he has never trusted me no matter what I did or did not do. I refuse to stop seeing my friends again and he cant cope with it. Funnily enough since our chat he has cooked dinner and spent the eve with the kids as nice as can be. Hopefully one day we can get on as 2 separate parents for our children. I have a funny feeling I will be on here again seeking advice when the separation isn't running smoothly :( Thanks again xx

Of course it's all baloney. There's a whiff of 'cherchez la femme' in his eagerness to call it a day and blame you at the same time. Very convenient. But why should you wait until after Christmas for him to go? If it's really so terrible, shouldn't he be going straight away? When in a power struggle, don't let someone else dictate the pace....

Yes I agree but I just want the kids to have Christmas day - I'm not sure how long it would take him to find somewhere anyway he has no one he can go to right now. I will talk to him later and ask that he leaves before the New Year, I'm gearing myself up for the long battle ahead, x

Hate to be pedantic but 'tell' not 'ask'... :) Like I say, this is a power-battle and you don't come out on top in those by being conciliatory and pleasant.

@ MidnightRose - thank you for your reply. Do you mind me asking, how do you feel that 'walking on eggshells' life has impacted on you?
We are in the process of separating now. DCs do not know yet. It is difficult but it is a comfort to hear that I am doing the right thing for the future for us all x

I feel like I always try to please even at the expense of my morals and self esteem just to keep the peace. I'm working on these issues but I find it really hard to stand up for myself.