Ex shouting abuse at me whilst hugging dd......concerned for her safety.

[tinselhair]

When he returned my daughter last night I asked my ex about the people he has just moved in with, he's renting a room from a man and his mother, only been there a few days, he doesn't know them, and I'm concerned about who my daughter is being introduced to.

He's just split with his girlfriend. About a year ago her son (16) was slowly grooming my daughter (8), stuff like 'lie on top of me' etc, she knew it wasn't right and told me. Her Dad went into total denial, accused me of trying to split up his relationship, was very verbally abusive and aggressive in front of dd.

Ss got involved, at my instigation, and basically told me he could take her anywhere he liked and I had no say in it. He was not to leave her alone with the boy though. So obviously I'm concerned about who he is introducing her to as I feel I have no control over it.

I asked him to make sure these people were ok, and he completely lost it, screaming at me in my hall, calling me a c**t over and over again, whilst bending down hugging dd, so screaming this in her ear, me asking him to stop, he just continued, said to dd sorry you've got a horrible Mum, said I was winding him up, he marched past me into my kitchen, said I was just an angry person, spoke to me like shit in front of dd, who became really upset and started crying.He said he was going to take it further(?) so clearly he's not someone I can communicate with, anything he doesn't want to hear he shouts and shouts until I shut up.

She told me she was at his new place most of the afternoon, she was in this man's bedroom with a female friend watching a video, Dad not there, and in the living room with them, Dad also not there, in another room.

What can I do to ensure he's got her safety in mind at all times? Should I stop contact over this? She wants to see her Dad though.

I only let him into the hall now, not the house, at handover times, because of his past form for this, but even that is not working.

Also, she told me he shouted at a woman on the bus, and he told me he shouted at a woman in a shop yesterday. He is so angry and aggressive, has had mh problems in the distant past, but what can I do to ensure dd is safe? Please advise me, I need to tackle this somehow.

i don't like to read mh problems as a reason why someone shouldn't be left with a child - as i have mh problems, it makes me realise that there is still prejudice and the assumption that mh issue = bad parent.

That aside - I absolutely would stop contact - yes she wants to see her dad but she is not safe. You say she is in this man's bedroom? WTAF??? What female friend? A child?

You need to get legal advice and fast - my DD would be in that position over my dead body

I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply that at all. He sees her every weekend and his past issues have never come up in my mind before. I'm just casting around for reasons, helplessly really.. It's his new living arrangements and his verbal abuse of me in front of her that I have a problem with.

Exactly..I don't know who these people are, neither does he, and when I asked I got a stream of loud abuse.

Do stop contact and, at the same time, get legal advice. Make sure you have a clear record of all the above incidents, communicate only in writing from now on, and let him try to justify why contact should be restored. Your DD may want to see him - children of abusive parents often think it is their job to keep them happy - but you have to put her safety first.

Did you speak to the police and logged with them what had happened? You and your dd have a right to feel safe in your own home. And your exp has no right to behave like that towards you. He sounds like he has no control over his anger issues. He is not a rational person and will shout you down as to control you and for you to fear him.
I would go for supervised contact as from what you have said there are valid reasons in regard to his abusive outbursts. Therefore you are safeguarding your dd and you will not have to have any face to face contact on handovers.
Sorry you are going the through this. I last week had a similar thing from my exp, and last week was granted a non molestation order stopping that type of behaviour around my ds, me and our home.

bongobaby, no I haven't logged it with the police, I didn't feel it was serious enough, maybe I should. That's what I was trying to illustrate, he is angry with everyone and has no control, shouting at random strangers, dd said she was embarrassed. What is a non molestation order and would one be issued for one incident? I have written stuff down in the past, so do have records of a sort....

You can always give the police non-emergency number 101 a call and ask for advice on Domestic Violence. That you're separated/divorced doesn't really change anything. This is a child safety issue, SS is already involved, and I think they'll be interested.

i would call SS and tell them your concerns. They can always take action/investigate his end if they feel it needed.
Do report his behaivour to police.

is there a court oder for contact?

if not, then jsut stop her going until you feel comfortable with who she is spending time with i.e. giveny ou dont trust his judgement... normally you would say well youa hve to trust him if he has her in his charge but your past expereince would make you wary...plus his behaviour on doorstep...

if there is a court order see about changing it...

A non mol order states that exp is forbidden to use or threaten any unlawful violence, threats, verbal abuse against myself. He is also forbidden to communicate with me by any means whatsoever. To breach this is a criminal offence with power of arrest attached.
What he has done is emotional abuse in front of your dd as she has witnessed this. And you need to protect yourself from him doing this again at handovers so he knows his boundaries. I would not let him in the hallway , he should wait outside. If you don't want to go down the non mol route then please just get it logged with 101 so it is on record. He will never change and will think that his behaviour towards you and dd is acceptable when it is not. Bear in mind that his behaviour could escalate into more abuse if he is not nipped in the bud.
Has he been to any anger management classes to address his temper? He needs to before your dd has anymore contact with him. Is there a contact order in place? sorry to sound nosy and bombard you with questions..

He sounds like a horrible dick anyway to tell your dd that "sorry you've got a horrible mum" for goodness sakes how old is he to behave and say things like that. he is emotionally damaging your dd. And disrespecting you at the same time in front of her.

OP I logged an incident with the police over the weekend, which was probably more minor than yours, it's described in the thread problem this evening with Ex. They took it very seriously and did not make me think I was wasting their time in any way.

Tinselhair I'm sure you know what you have to do here and that is to get a Police report done asap and apply for non mol order and only allow supervised visits for your little one,he sounds a right bully and this is not going to help your DD in anyway at all at 8yrs she is old enough now to never forget these outbursts from her father so put space between you all now.take care.

Thank you for all your replies. I will give 101 a ring this evening, and ask them about a non mol oder too. Like all bullies, he will be cowering if he gets a call from the police. He keeps ringing but I've not picked up. I know he wants to apologise, as if that makes it all ok.

There is no court order, we've sorted access out between ourselves. He has always been the same with his temper,it's been 8 long years, but he thinks it's normal, or else it's me winding him up. I know this is bullshit, of course.

Sightly anxious, I did read your thread the other day, you are all right, it is best to get it logged, I hadn't thought of it.

Yes, she is getting a measure of him already, I'm sorry to say. I've told her why I won't let him in the house any more, if people are rude to us they are not our friends and not welcome in our home. What a thing to have to know about your own father, awful.

You will be doing the right thing logging it with the police.
Maybe it might be time to get the contact court ordered so he knows where he stands. You and your dd deserve not to have his aggressive bullying arse not around you.
Supervised contact will be better as some contact centres watch the interaction between parent and child.

Hope you're OK today tinselhair - have you spoken to the police? Good luck, you should find them very sympathetic and helpful. I feel much better, having given a clear indicator of what is unacceptable behaviour and its consequences to my sons.

Hello Slightly, yes I've spoken to them and have an appointment for Friday. Did you tell your sons you'd involved the police? Not sure whether to tell dd that or not.

I've just re read your thread and it's interesting that the policeman advised you to mention ss getting involved. They were the only people ex would listen to with regard to keeping dd away from the boy in question. As if my opinion and wishes were rubbish and he couldn't actually work it out for himself. It was only when he saw it in writing from ss that he realised that was the way things had to be. So if I say that to him it might keep him in check in future.

Glad you have an appointment on Friday tinselhair. It may feel like a relief to be able to let the police know about his behaviour. How is dd feeling? Sometimes the police let ss know as a matter of procedure after the appointment.

Hi Tinselhair, here is the email I sent my ex, I hope it helps ... needless to say he hasn't responded.

Dear Tosser-of-an-Ex

On Friday evening when you raised your arm as if to hit me, you frightened me, and I therefore called the police to log the incident.

A police officer came out yesterday to log the incident and to give me general advice about the situation.

He advised me to email you with the following points:

• You are not to be verbally abusive to me in front of the children as it is harmful to them. Communication between us should be limited as much as possible to email.

• You are not to threaten violence to me for obvious reasons.

• In order not to case conflict with the contact arrangements, you are not to take DS2 swimming when I recommend that he should not go as it risks his health.

I strongly advise you to adhere to the above points so as to avoid the involvement of the police and / or Social Services in the future.

SlightlyAnxious

Hi Slightly,

Thanks for posting that. I may be using that format myself. I saw the police today, they have made a note of the incident and will be informing ss. Not sure about this overall, but as he only seems to listen to 'official' people he may take my concerns on board if it comes via them. I've had loads more abusive texts and countless calls which I've not answered, demanding access to 'his' dd and saying he's going to report me to ss.

He is one total twat.

Hi Tinselhair

That's great that you saw the police, and sounds like a good thing that he is on theirs and Social Service's radar.

I guess the police will have spoken to him as your incident will have been deemed 'higher risk' than mine was. Are the abusive calls and texts since then do you think? Or maybe they (police) haven't spoken to him yet.

I'm sorry you're having to go through that... it's horrible to have something like that preoccupying you & stressing your mind this near Christmas when your mind should be on fun stuff. Is your dd OK?

Thinking of you and hope today's been better.