need to get thoughts out, no need to reply

[mrsSOAK]

This is just somewhere for me to get my thoughts out, not really looking for advice or anything. Just have no rl support and need somewhere to speak my mind.
I feel like my relationship is headed down the pan. Nothing major has happened. He is a good man, a good father and puts up with a lot from me. He doesnt hit me or anything. He can be cruel with his words and aggressive in his manner but so can I.
We don't speak. There is no communication other than the bare minimum about logistics and practicalities. He doesn't share details about his day with me. He keeps his work and home life completely separate, he does nothing outside of work, no hobbies or interests that take him out of the house. He plays games, watches movies on tablet, clips from YouTube, every evening. Doesn't speak to me, doesn't talk to me. Sometimes we watch films or tv together. Sometimes I wonder if he is involved in an inappropriate relationship at work but no basis for thinking this. He tells me he loves me, would never cheat on me and I believe him. But in my head I think that he would rather be with his work colleagues than with me. Supposed to be trying for another baby but as much as I want and need another baby I am now thinking that this is a v bad idea. it all came out at the weekend and he agrees that things shouldn't be like this, he'll do more to try and communicate. i have told him I can't live with someone for the next 30 years without speaking, conversing etc.
dont feel as reassured as I thought I would. Sorry for length of post.

It sounds like what you're saying is you don't feel loved?

TBH that's v much how I feel.
Its almost as if we house share rather than husband and wife/ team/ family or whatever you want to call it.

Thank you for replying Cogito, I wasn't expecting anyone to trawl through that post and respond. I feel like a bit of a fraud posting on this board as there are so many posters with real problems that need help and advice.

In the nicest possible way, I really don't think you should be TTC in this situation.

'He doesn't hit me or anything' is setting the bar pretty damn low.

You're not fraud. I'd say, in 90%+ relationships that are going wrong, there's no one single big crisis to point to. It's far more common that things are just drifting, people fed up of the sight of each other, affection gone, respect gone, communication non-existent.... in short, 'growing apart' but no-one having the motivation to knock the thing on the head

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

I could have written that post op!
We keep talking about getting things back on track but don't really know how.
Are you still in love?
Has it all just become too routine?
Is there another worry (eg money) that is distracting you?
Other responses will be interesting

Agree with Wig, not being assaulted in your relationship is not the means by which to measure it.

You sound very lonely in this relationship. And why wouldn't you? You're getting nothing positive from him at all. He's clearly not happy either, sounds very discounted, is it possible he's depressed?

Would he go to counselling with you? Would that even help do you think? How willing is he to put in effort to try to improve things?

From the tone of your post you seem to feels there's not much you can do about it. I think you need to start looking at your options, this is no way to live.

Thank you all for your replies.
To answer a few questions. I'm 37 he is 30, dd is 4 (going on 14!) we have been together for 9 years married 7 this year.
There are other things, of course and it has all become a bit routine. we do nothing together and I think that might be part of the problem too. I do love him and he tells me he loves me too. After talking ( and rowing) this weekend he thinks that I am making too much of this and things are not that bad. I do feel v lonely, like I said in opening post have no rl support.
Perhaps I am being over emotional and over critical but it suddenly hit me over the past few weeks how it has been.

Not speaking is lazy and churlish. He can't have been totally devoid of social skills when you first met. Presumably he converses with colleagues?

Compartmentalising is an efficient way of putting up barriers. I don't think it's a healthy environment in which to bring up DCs when the parents barely communicate and Dad spends the bulk of his spare time glued to a screen. "Things are not that bad" er he needs a reboot.

I suppose he deigns to be less detached when sex is available? OP I am relieved you are putting trying for a DC2 on hold. Not cheating is supposed to be automatic when you're in a serious relationship, that assurance alone isn't going to make him a prize H. Not being violent, well that's good but again not something that means you have to tolerate indifference and apathy.

When someone tells you that your feelings are invalid, that you're 'making too much of something', overreacting, emotional & critical, or similar then alarm bells should be going off in your head. If you feel lonely and unloved it's probably because you're lonely and unloved. Someone who cared about you would want to take that on board and reassure you.... not tell you that you're making something out of nothing.

we have spoken again about this today from a slightly calmer perspective.
He admits that his communication is poor and kinda understands how I feel, he also tells me he would do anything for me, loves me and that we will work together to figure this out. So I am taking this all as positive stuff and see how we go.

Thank you for all your replies!

It's hard when the lines of communication are closed or stunted to get them back open again but there is only one way, talk, do things together, like a meal out, bowling, cinema, whatever. How can he be happy in a loveless relationship, that's worrying.

Don't ever accept that your feelings are not valid, they're very important in a relationship, perhaps his quickness to dismiss and or move on from anything emotional is why you are in this situation now. Good luck.