Threesome got complicated...

[Honeybee88x]

Hi I am new to mumsnet. I have browsed the site many times before but never signed up but I just wanted some input about a current situation I have. I am sorry but this is going to be a long post and i am very grateful to anyone who reads it all and can help me...well i dont really know what i want from posting this i think i just want to get it all out of my head.

I will be 26 soon and have an amazing husband, who will be 28 soon and 2 kids, DD who is nearly 2.5 and DS who is 8 months.

I know that when some of you read the rest of my post you will probably think that I am lying to you or myself but My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other.

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust so we eventually decided to ask my husbands best friend, he is 30 and single, he lives down south (we live in the East Midlands) so we dont see him all the time anyway. Ill call him D.

He agreed to experiment with us and we had alot of fun between june and august. but after having my little girl in 2011 i have been battling postnatal depression and i hit an all time low in the middle of august and after not being able to sleep for 36 hours i ran off not really thinking of what i was doing or where i was going i ended up closer to D than the East Midlands. as my husband needed to stay with our kids and i cant drive and i did not want to come home and cope with things D came to find me at the hotel i had booked myself into and after listening to me for a while he took me out to get something to eat and drove me around pointing out landmarks and we went to his house for a few minutes, we didnt stay long as his dad lives with him and didnt want to explain why i was there and my husband wasnt as this was also the first time i had been to his house (D finds it hard to get close to people so i think he wanted to get out of the hotel cos he didnt know what to say to me to make me feel better).

He took me back to the hotel and we ended up kissing and getting in the shower together until i said i had promised my husband that we wouldnt do anything sexual when he wasnt there and we stopped. D was very upset with himself for letting my husband down. as i said he is very closed off but he was visibly upset when he realised what he had done. my husband was understandly very upset and angry mainly for the fact that he felt D had took advantage of me when i was in such a vulnerable state.

my husband decided he needed some space away from him. D keep sending messages and a letter. and eventually my hubby let him back in, he is a very big part of our life our families see D as family and our kids love "uncle D" to bits and he loves them and my hubby didnt want to shut him off from all that and he missed his best friend.

we all agreed that things were getting to close and decided to stop the threesome.

my problem is that I was getting emotionally attached to D while having sex and we would cuddle afterwards sometimes for hours. I feel like i have now got to the point where i think i have fallen in love with him. i thought at first it was just because of the intimacy of the sex but it hasnt gone away. it is starting to hurt being around him and not being able to touch and kiss him. it hurts so badly to think he is going to be with someone else at some point and i cant and shouldnt do anything about it but it is still going to phsyically hurt to see someone else in his arms, kissing him and getting close to him. i am so confused it is hurting to feel this way and not being able to be with him.

but on the other hand when i look at this logically i know that i love my husband more than anything and he is my soul mate, he matches me perfectly, we have a good, close, intimate, respectful relationship and i know that if i left and had a relationship with D (thats if hed have me!) i wouldnt be happy as D has issues with intimacy and getting close to someone, he does somethings that annoy me so much and i just know that it would work for a while and then the relationship would go bad.

my husband and me have talked about all this. he knows everything about what i am thinking and feeling and he is so supportive and listens to me and tries to help me feel better but i am hurting because i know how much it must be hurting him to hear about my feelings for another man.

I have thought about this and the only way i can think of is like you broke up with someone (as thats what is feels like but worse as i shouldnt feel this way and cant really talk my feelings through with anyone) i am so confused i feel rejected and unwanted by him because he doesnt tell me he wants me or how he feels about me but my hubby always says to me that its not that he doesnt want me its just that he knows hes not allowed to show it.

but when you break uo with someone you distance yourself and have time to heel and dont usually see them again to bring up the feelings or not being wanted and you cut them off. i said to my husband i want to cut D off and have no contact so that we can deal with my feelings but he is resistant to the idea as he doesnt want to lose his best friend and doesnt want our families to question his absence as he is so ingrained in family events and have our children miss him.

I just dont know what to do anymore. i am still trying to get myself out of the black hole that opened up in august and this is another thing getting me down.

I think about D soooo much and imagine being with but i cant (and actually really dont want to ) but i cant make the feelings go away no matter how hard i try :(

[TheHippyWhoWearsLippy]

Sorry Op there is so much more I could say & not be critical but give real advice. No point because it's been reported (rightly so because of the details).

[lottieandmia]

This is the problem with threesomes - they so often end up in a mess. I know of a couple who also invited a best male friend into their bed and relationship and the result was that the woman ended up leaving her DP for the best friend and living with him for years.

Anyone who values their relationship shouldn't mess with scenarios like this IMO because nobody knows how they are going to end up feeling and it is beyond your control. It isn't worth it however fun a fantasy you think it will be.

You need to stop contact with the friend entirely IMO. And your DH needs to accept that threesomes are a bad idea. Otherwise it will never work.

[JulieJingleBellsMumsnet]

Hi,

Many thanks for those who have been in touch about this thread. We're just going to make a few tweaks to a couple of the posts.

MNHQ

[Andy1964]

Well, the majority of these posts arn't very helpful are they. They are just critisising the OP, her DH and their relationship which is clearly not what she has posted on here.

"My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other."

The majority of you have also critisised her DH for being controlling and to blame for this.
There are clearly two people involved in this the OP often uses the 'We' word. They have also posted that as a couple they discussed this fantasy at great lengths. AS A COUPLE!

So, let me try to help OP.

Firstly, you committed the cardinal sin. Trying something like this with a friend. You were warned when you did your research.
It is more preferable to meet someone new and develop a friendship between the three of you. Granted this is not easy because there are some creep out there but it is worth investing the time, and it will take time.

You and your DH seem to have got over the initial hotel situation, you were quite vunerable and it seems your DH has forgiven his friend for taking advantage of you. He was very wrong to do this!

There is obviously something quite 'tight' between the three of you. But you need to see your relationship with your DH friend for what it is. Your a DW to a great DH and a Mum to two young DC. Your husbands friend in the bedroom department is there for just that and that only. Sex! Nothing more nothing less. Sure, you have to like and get on with him but at the end of the day it's sex!

I suggest you and your DH cool down with his friend for a few months, take stock of your relationship and try to forget your feelings for his friend. Like you said, he's not exactly your type having, like you said issues with intamacy.
Then after a few months your likely to see how silly these feelings are and you can gradually introduce him to your life again AS A FRIEND!
Do not carry on fun games with your DH friend.

You have all cocked up, you had some fun while it lasted but at the end of the day you have all learnt a lesson that you were warned about at the very begining.

Good luck

[ccsays]

Sounds like you might be happier in an open/polyamourous relationship?

Just a thought.

[coffeespoons]

It is a break-up. It sounded like you intended something like swinging, but ended up with more of a relationship. Some people do ha ve multiple committed relationships, it is not for everyone but it's called polyamory (www.morethantwo.com/) and if you look at polyamory resources you will find advice more easily on getting over a breakup when you have another partner. I've seen posts like this on www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/ I'm sure.

It sounds like your husband is good and that you two are communicating well and that the other guy isn't maybe ready for a relationship. You don't need to feel guilty about this - you have been open and ethical as far as I can see. It's tricky going from relationship to friend but it can be done - I advise a bit of space from one another first.

[rainbowfeet]

Excuse the pun but could you not see this coming?!!.. If you were kissing & cuddling "D" that was making love not having wild threesome sex!!!! So you were making love with a man you were already close to & emotionally attached to at a time when your mind wasn't your own anyway! Inevitable you were going to fall... Total stupidity on all 3 of you!!!

If you want to save your marriage you must cut all contact with. "D" & get some help with your marriage! Stop playing silly games, your children deserve better!

[Junebugjr]

It all sounds very teenage and dramatic. I really don't know how you have the mental and physical energy for all this drama with two young children and a bout of PND.
You know what you have to do, see your GP about your PND if you do have it, DH sees his bf on his own, and you find other things to do, other than all three of you being caught up in this mess of a situation. You do not mention how this is affecting you as a family including your kids, it all seems about you, how you are feeling, oh god the drama etc etc.

[Honeybee88x]

I dont remember naming my children at all. I dont know if i used the right abbreviations for things.

I know that we did something stupid but we are only human and people make mistakes and we are paying the price.

I dont talk about how it will effect my kids as I dont want to leave my husband so i dont need to worry how it will effect them as nothing is going to change. i need to deal with my issues.

wish i hadnt posted now. i wanted some clarity and support and didnt really get that at all. i think if you actually knew us face to face you would think differently about this situation.

thank you very much to the people that actually try to give me some guidance i appreciate it.

I am currently trying to find, with my gp, a level of antidepressants that work and i have my first appointment with a counsellor tomorrow.

[MostWicked]

You had a threesome with your husband's best friend when you were clearly not emotionally stable, and it hasn't worked out well? That's hardly a surprise is it.
You can't have everything. I am amazed your DH has put up with this, but I'm amazed he wanted any of it in the first place. I think you owe it to your children to try to pick up the pieces of your marriage and put it back together. Don't see D again. Can you see how difficult it would be for your DC and their father, if you ran off with his best friend?

[rumbelina]

You are getting a hard time here, OP. People are advising you to seek help for PND/saying you're not emotionally stable at the same time as beating you round the head for doing what you did. Maybe there is a link there, people!

Yes you have made a huge mistake but are now looking for support to find a way through it. Just make sure you now listen to the good advice on here. Remember what happened last time you ignored the advice!!

[lottieandmia]

Yes it's absolutely true that if you're not in a good place mentally then you will make unwise decisions - I have been there myself during times when I was unwell. It isn't the OP's fault that she isn't well. But the op sounded like her husband had pressed the issue of a 3 some in the first place.

[Junebugjr]

I think posters are taking issue with you, as you have very young children and your primary concerns seem to be your messy sexual/romantic life, and how you all feel about it.
It doesn't appear OP's DH has pushed her into the 3some at all, but he doesn't seem very supportive when you say you can not deal with seeing D for while.
Primarily, you need to carry on seeking help for your PND, it will get better and concentrate on your kids for a bit.

[Branleuse]

I think your husband has got a nerve if hes making you feel bad for getting attached to someone that you were sleeping with because of his fantasies. Im not surprised youre in turmoil. A one off threesome with a stranger is one thing, as its sex, but how on earth would he expect you to just keep being fuck buddies with his best mate, without feelings developing. They always always ALWAYS do. Its one of the major issues with threesomes.

I wish I could advise you, but I think the horse has bolted.
I think you need to discuss whether he'd be interested in a fully open relationship, or to discuss polyamory, or whether he just wants to carry on controlling this situation with no thought to your emotional vulnerability, because it sounds like youre hurting here

[NakedTigarCub]

So who is looking after the kids when all this is going on?

[ccsays]

Won't somebody please think of the children?! [clutches pearls]

FFS, she and her husband decided to do this at her husband's suggestion and it didn't work out. No, it wasn't the best idea but OP acknowledges that herself and came on to ask for support.

There's a lot of thinly veiled slut shaming going on in this thread.

[something2say]

Yes I am surprised by the vitriol. There's a whole world out there and all sorts of things go on, good and bad and in between.

Dear op,

My advice is to forget D and get back to being a family. We all suffer at times. Let D slip away, let your husband see him alone, and you work on your marriage, your pnd and your two babies. You'll be alright x

[mammadiggingdeep]

Op you did name your children and where you lived in the original post- not that that matters but its strange you say you don't remember it?!

Anyway, you are getting a bit of a hard time. Yes it was incredibly naive to try something like this with your husbands best mate. PND is horrendous, so I sympathise there.

I think you need to get your ad's sorted, perhaps have some individual counselling and think about whether you want to be with your h.

[QuintessentialShadows]

You need to go cold turkey on D. Forget him. Stop seeing him. Get back to being a family. And going cold turkey also includes stop talking about him! You are prolonging your own "drama".

[NakedTigarCub]

You have a crush on someone. I would treat it no differently than if you were married and had a crush on a coworker.

I think you are using this bloke as a distraction cos your depressed with your family and life right now and thinking about him is easier than sorting your problems out.

If he lives so far away how can he be spending so much time at your home?

I think you need to put your foot down and lessen contact with D and tell your h you need this. Let your h go to d house instead.

Dont use this man to hide from your problems that have caused the PND. I really hope the counsiling works for you but you will only get out what you put in and dont waste the oppprtunity to heal and move forward in your life.

I personally think the threesome will harm you mental as right now you need to fouce on you not two other people.

I would also say look at your porn useage and what is a healthy relationship, there is always room for improvement.

[Golddigger]

You need to concentrate on your husband. But that is the real problem isnt it?
He pressured you, you went along with it for his sake. It went wrong, perhpas not in quite the way that you or him envisaged.

But deep down, you are annoyed and angry and upset and hurt with your husband. Quite understandably.

D isnt really the issue. You may think it is, even your husband may think it is, but it isnt really.

It is how you feel about your husband that is the real issue.

[NakedTigarCub]

It must knock your self.esteem that D doesnt fancy you and he just saw you as a fun fuck :(