A one off, or more to come?

[OperaWinfrey]

Hi, I am a long time reader of mumsnet and never thought I would need to seek advice but here I am! I will try to keep it as short as possible.

I have been with my fiancé for 18 months, engaged for 3 and up until this weekend I thought we had a fantastic relationship. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, he doesn't have any and neither of us has been married before.

After a great evening with friends on Friday we were driving home when out of nowhere he started criticising my time keeping and how the last couple of times I had been out with friends I had been an hour or so later than I said. He started going on and on about it at which point I asked him to stop making an issue of nothing. Next thing I know he is shouting at me and swearing at me, not letting me get a word in edgeways. It got so bad that I pulled over to the side of the road and got out and told him to go home to his house. (We don't live together.) I crossed the road and started to walk home and the next thing I knew he was running towards me shouting at me to get in the car. He then grabbed me by my arms and continued shouting at me to get in the car. I told him firmly to get off me and go home. He let go of me then about a minute down the road he pulled up beside me, got out of the car, grabbed me again and started to drag me towards to car, all the while shouting at me, I resisted and kept telling him to get off me. A car went by and he let go before screeching off in his car.

I was shaking and scared and walked home almost in shock, afraid of what I would find when I got home. He wasn't there when I got in but had been in the house, taken some of his things and gone.

I sent him a text the next morning, didn't want to speak to him, and asked what the previous night was about, how I had never seen him that way before and how scared he had made me. He replied that it wasn't as though he had hit me, didn't grab me and didn't even swear at me. When I questioned his version of events he apologised for swearing, said he only grabbed my arm to stop me walking away and was concerned and that he didn't want me walking home alone. I was flabbergasted. He said that if I thought he would hit me then I obviously didn't know him at all, he loves me too much etc etc.

My children's father was physically abusive so now I am left wondering if I am over reacting due to my past experiences? Was it just a one off and it wasn't as bad as I am making out? My head is all over the place. I have never seen him like this before, it was like being with a complete stranger. Or is this who he really is and the mask is slipping? I have asked him for space and he hasn't been in touch. Where do I go from here? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

you can tell your family and friends that he became violent and you were frightened.

It's accurate and it should stop any discussions.

Harder for the children, but again, a good way to explain would be to say that he was violent and that no one who is violent can be around you or them. It's something they should walk away from. You can also say that you miss the nicer side of him, but if someone is violent then that is too wrong.

100% you need to dump his sorry arse! It doesn't matter how much he's had to drink, it was a disgusting way to behave. Please leave him now while you are not tied to him in any way. I wonder if he felt he could get away with showing his true colours a bit more now you're engaged? Also, 18months and not even living together seems a little fast to me, where children are involved anyway. Was it his idea to move things along so fast? Coz that's a red flag in itself.

Please get rid of him. This is horrible and controlling.

OP you can be if you could talk to any of his exes, you would find it's not at all 'out of the blue'. And even if it is, you don't want somebody so unpredictable and unstable in your life and definitely not in your DCs.

I agree I'd be honest with my family about why it's over. You will need their support, and should stop him manipulating them.

Get rid

Your opening post made very chilling reading. I think he's shown his true colours and I'm so relieved you've found out now, rather than after marrying him.

He gets abusive when drunk by the sound of it. He started a row about nothing, you get out of the car and then he starts grabbing you to get you back in the car.

How many more, 'one off' incidents are there going to have to be ?

Is this man really good enough to be step Dad to your kids ?

There quite a difference, I think, between someone who is concerned for your safety and trying to get you back into the car and someone who is aggressive. And I think you'd have spotted if it was the former.

I usually try to give others the benefit of the doubt but I honestly can't see anything positive in this. My hubby and I have had some stinking great arguments in the past and I'm the hot headed one in our relationship. Even do, I would never treat him as you were treated. I think you'd be best off out if it, there's no excuses, he's shown how he's prepared to act and you don't deserve to wonder when the next time will be.

In my experience it's never just a one off. Get away from this man, far away.

How do you get to be late back when you don't live together anyway? Arrive when you want to, it's your life and not up to him to dictate. Another sign that he is too controlling.