Does he or doesn’t he?

[LittleBlueMouse]

And have I completely blown it?

Hi, I have NC for this as I don’t want it to bite me on the bum some day. I really need some perspective on this as I feel like I am going mad. I started a course in September and I am no spring chicken, I’m 40 and have 2 DC and feel I should know better, but I have fallen for one of the lecturers. Having been out of the loop for twelve years and even before this time, a bit dim when it came to knowing if a guy likes me, I can’t make out if it’s mutual or not.

The first day we spoke, I felt like I had been hit with a thunder bolt. Despite there being other people in the room, all of his attention was on me, lots of eye contact, raised eyebrows, smiling, smoothing his hair down, all positive body language. He is a combative and confident person, so when I started asking questions and disagreeing (studying ethics, so lots of arguing, part of the course!) he seemed to become even more animated, interested in everything I said.

As the weeks have gone on, the body language is still there but at times he acts as though he is quite nervous around me. I am quite shy socially but I am confident in terms of my opinion, ability to study and usually in dealing with people (haha) so maybe that is why? A few weeks ago he wanted to talk to all of us individually and decides he will see me first, so I stay put and wonder if I am going to be told grades. No, instead this guy wants to know about social stuff, I am having a bad time at home and I panicked and spat out some nonsense about something. He was very supportive and kind, too kind so I panicked again, said all will be well, thanks and beat a very quick retreat from the room. He looked confused. Two weeks later, discussing women’s liberation and wages I blurt out something I really wish I hadn't. Cue, another very confused look from him.

Fast forward to end of term party. I arrive late, see people I know and socialise with them. I noticed him when I walked in but chose to ignore. (why, oh why) he comes over and says hello to me when a few of the others had gone outside. He sits smack bang next to me and proceeds to ask if everything is ok in respect of the “problem” he is nervously hunching his shoulders up looking at me in this really sort of coy way. I panicked again and couldn't look at him. He must think I am very disinterested in him. Later a friend said to me, "he stood for ages looking at you before he came over, he likes you" is he right? or am I just wishful thinking?

Why the bloody panic? Why can’t I just act normally? Because when I blurted out “partner pays the bills” I now know that he knows I am living someone, he knows also that I made a point of letting him know this, judged by the reaction and the subtle way in which his behaviour has changed. I have blown this completely. Thing is, ex-partner and I share a house, childcare and domestic stuff and he pays most of the bills. He does this because he loves me and his children but we have no relationship. In fact when I told Ex about this, he just said I should follow my heart. Its too late though isn’t it?

I don’t know what I’m asking, please someone tell me I imagined that this guy liked me, it’s in my head and get back to normal silly bint, or tell me I can make this OK and how?

While is is your lecturer it's a bit difficult. When do you finish your course? Can you take a step back and try not to be so nervous around him and then at the end of the course give him a thank you card with your number in and say if he would like to keep in touch you would like that?

With regards to him knowing you live with someone but not knowing the actual situation, perhaps you can use discussion points from other seminars to make that clear?

How long is your course?

If he has personal standards that prevent him dating students, then he might be waiting until then.

You do need to find an opportunity to let him know the 'partner' is a flatmate ex. Probably soonish (is the friend who reported he seemed to be looking out for you is a good and competent observer).

Then see what happens, but try not to look like a lovelorn teen all the time! And make sure you do nothing that buggers up your studies.

he does like you, it's obvious. But you MUST tell him that you are not in a relationship! how else would he ever take it further?? Maybe ask him a question after a lecture when others are leaving, and then thank him for his concern (he did ask you about domestic problem, so it's only natural), and at that point add 'to make it clear, partner pays the bills because of the kids, but we are not together now' - maybe somehow link this to the discussion when you blurted out.

oh, and do you know if HE is single?

Thank you for answering, I feel a hopeless mess at the moment, like a lovelorn teen!

I have two years, won't always see this lecturer and early on changed groups so I had a different personal tutor because I knew I couldn't handle the situation otherwise. I also realise he has professional standards. In fact too much to lose on both sides. Ex is a great guy, supportive, caring, great dad and he looks out for me too, so I would never do anything that would Jeopardize my home life, or this guys job.

I just don't know how to let him know I like him, he must think I am aloof and weird at times, at other's times I'm looking at him, and I guess I probably look doe eyed.

Added to all this, I can't bloody sleep and can't eat! I'm acting like a teenager and I can honestly say, I have never felt this way, not about anyone.

Op I think we cross posted and you missed my posts - I made some suggestions how to do it, I think if you raise sunject of your partner, he will see it as a hint or sign that you aer interested, but it's not anything direct, so not embarassing.

beaglesaresweet, good point. I just know. Or at least I am very certain. I'm also fairly certain he isn't the sort to flirt. He is confident and seems quite assertive, well at least he seems so until he is in a more social situation or sees me on my own, then he behaves very nervous and coy. Its quite sweet actually. Thing is, I can't believe its mutual, maybe I have poor self-esteem. I never did before but I am hopeless at knowing if guys like me, always have been. Friends would point it out to me, I would seldom notice. This though seems obvious but I still doubt myself.

I won't see much of him after christmas, in a different group. I think you are right.

Thing is, I didn't say it was home related when he asked what was up. I told him it was to do with student life, it wasn't. I couldn't tell him "you have made me reassess my home life and I find myself unhappy with my lot" or "you have shook my world up and for the first time I am contemplating going it alone with my dc" When he asked at the party I went along with what I had told him, whilst it being partly true, it isn't a major problem. I do get the impression though that his asking, is a bit like a naughty child picking a scab to see if it bleeds, ie I will get inside her head, she must have some vulnerability. I have, but I am usually so self contained and somehow he has managed to puncture this.

The eye contact thing might just be because you have a friendly face and look interested in what he is saying. When talking in front of people it is easier to do so when focusing on friendly positive faces, rather than those faces that look bored or threatening.

Your post reads as though you think you're acting a bit strange around him and he may just be concerned/worried for you as one of his students. Teachers (generally being caring types) tend to look out for things that may affect their student's studies.

I'm not meaning to dash your hopes, it's just that any situation where there is a professional role involved (teacher, shop worker, hairdresser, plumber come to fix your washing machine) there is a likely chance that it is just a purely professional realtionship, regardless of any flirting, things in common, etc.

^ "professional relationship" it should have been spelt.

Thank you MadeMan, do you know, if this is so, my life would be somewhat simpler! I can spot flirting gas fitters and cheeky plumbers. I also appreciate that he probably takes seriously his pastoral responsibility.

Am I acting strange around him??? well I am just getting on with the course, speaking and acting as normal. However when faced with each other outside of that both of us act differently. I know I'm warm one minute and aloof the next, whilst he is warm one minute and positively nervous and boyish the next. Hell I don't know

I need to get my shit together and either become the sophisticated 40 I should be or just face the prospect that I have blown it, or he might not like me and forget it. I can't.

Hm. Really do make sure you know he's single before you build this any further, won't you. Just all sounds a bit suss to me. Making "clumsy" enquiries into your home life is designed to be very flattering no doubt but is also quite unlikely if he's a seasoned professional. If he's your age or older he should be well used to meeting new students and establishing appropriate boundaries with them, even in pastoral matters. Yet he's behaving noticeably oddly and somehow got you into all this analysing of who said what with what body language. It could be a lovely story for your grandchildren, or it could be a lot of very clever flattery and suggestion.

I'm probably an old cynic; just mindful that these guys have more opportunity than most to line up low-impact, low-effort people to cheat with. Pedagogy is an intimate business. Do some digging, there will be gossip about, keep your feet on the ground, assume disappointment is in store - all the better if it isn't.

MadBusLady how can I dig for info. I have heard plenty of gossip about some of the lecturers and their interest in the year 1s but nothing on this guy and if I ask people they will know why I am asking won't they. I don't think I want anyone to know.

It is tricky isn't it, I think the only answer is to keep going to the pub and watch out for any opportunity to drop an enquiry in, or shape someone else's enquiry.

I can see where you're coming from with not wanting anyone to know, but I also think that can be a double-edged sword. It allows these attractions to mushroom in secret, without any feedback from the situation/people involved that might be very useful to you. Put it this way, if you discover six months down the line that he's a player, it will be so much more painful than if you'd discovered it now. Without any feedback you end up venting on an internet forum because you've thought yourself into a spiral of uncertainty. We can't really know your situation, we're all just projecting.

I think he could potentially get in a lot of trouble if he started a relationship with you, especially if he's responsible for any of your studies. He could easily be accused of favouritism, sexual harassment, and all sorts of things. I assume you're doing an undergraduate course and have a variety of lecturers - so it's hard to avoid any one person, they could be double marking your exams even if they never teach you, for example.

I have heard of PhD students switching supervisors because a relationship was developing between them and their original supervisor. But you can't do that with an undergrad course.

I'm fairly certain he is no player, there is no gossip and he just isn't. Despite not being too great reading body language, or being great with intimacy,(I'm a rather boring bookish eccentric who usually thinks such things are an annoyance and a distraction from what I would rather be doing, ie reading) I'm very good at sussing out character. Plus early on when some of the other women and girls talked about the tutors, I did say "ah, I think x is rather nice" I said it very casually, it transpired I was alone in thinking this. If he's a player then he probably isn't a lucky one. No accounting for taste though

drspouse, I have changed tutors. And I agree, the last thing I want is to put him in any situation that jepardises his job or esteem and I really don't need priority treatment, my grades will be ok without.

I teach at university and I'd say that even if he was interested in you, he wouldn't risk his career in falling for you or initiating anything whilst you are still at uni or anyhow connected to him academically. It's a tough time out there for university staff and it's not a case of him being able to switch uni (if he's lucky to find another nearby) and then you guys continuing a relationship.

As a female academic who's also 40 id say that he's perhaps being friendly. It is all very informal these days at uni. It's ok and expected that tutors are aware and concerned about what goes on in their tutees' lives.

NK5BM3, I understand there is a lot of casualisation of contracts and yep, I wouldn't risk my career. The more I think about it, the more I realise I probably have less to lose. I can always go back to my job, my home situation isn't going to be ideal and will eventually change with or without any entanglement.

I just feel a bit sad, a bit silly. I will try as others have suggested, put the record straight, clear up the misunderstanding. Not necessarily so anything happens, just because I am not usually deliberately misleading. What bugs me, is that normally I would have answered any personal question I didn't want to answer with no answer at all, rather than mislead. I don't know why I did that. Now he thinks, she has a weak spot and won't leave it. What's the psychology of that, concern? create dependence? Maybe he's being dishonest too, or maybe its genuine concern. I would rather have discussed the exam in the pub, or the course, or the grades, but no...

Actually, though, you don't know him at all. He is revealing what he wants to reveal.

You don't know he's single. You don't know whether he has an affair every year or two with a student. There's no way you can find that out; even the other lecturers won't know everything.

You are attracted to him, that's clear. However, you are still in a relationship with your ex, because you share a home and finances. Another man would be mad to get involved with someone in that position, particularly where there are children involved.

I'm a lecturer and the only staff I've known to have one relationship have had a few - not every year, but every two or three years someone comes along who piques their interest. And yes, they are married men.

Starting a new course is always a time when you start to fancy someone; it's an opportunity to meet other people who challenge your thinking, who agree with you, who talk in a way that sharpens up your own responses. It's a new environment; it's inevitable that you'll become interested in someone.

You are so sensible Blether I just don't have my sensible head on at the moment, well not since 12 weeks ago anyway.

I'm not "in a relationship" with my ex in anyway more than I am in a relationship with my best friend, we have a relationship to each other, of being parents to the children. Nine years and counting. This isn't a temporary blip and only ex and I know the nature of the relationship, so point taken. Any new man would struggle with this. However, even if we live apart, he will still be part of the family. I have known him since I was 24 years old. The boyfriend I had from 17-24 is still part of the family, kids call him uncle, I just seem to collect people! This is the first time in 9 years though that I have been forced to consider what I do next.

I think I have to clear up misunderstanding, keep my head and concentrate on long term plans regarding home situation. I'm still feeling sad. I have never felt particularly bothered about any man, perhaps that's why I stay friends, so little real emotional energy tied up in previous relationships. I am 40 and I have never been "in Love"