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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need good reasons to split from the nice father of my child.

15 replies

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 15:47

I have been hesitating in posting a thread about this, so appologies for not using my usual name but some people here know me in RL and I feel a bit embarrased about discussing this in the open. So basically... I need some encouragement to move out of this marriage.

H is not a bad person, quite the oposite, he is a good father, he helps with the house, and has been a good husband in times gone by. So... he doesn't hit me, he has never had an affair, OK his mother is a living nightmare but in itself she is not the problem but H who would rather allow a train to run me over than upsetting his job commitments or my inlaws.

I have been seriously thinking about divorce for more than 4 yrs. During the first years I thought we could do something about it and save the relationship. We have been to Relate on several occasions, we have done this and that in order to improve the relationship but it has not worked. Problem is... I don't love him anymore, I really don't care if he is OK, if he is having a bad or good time at work, if he is interested in something or not. We spent such a little amount of time together that we don't even have anything to talk about in the few ocassions when he has some time for me.

If I were living in my country, near my family, I were economically independant (left my career years ago because it wasn't compatible with his), etc. I would have left him months ago. Actually, I don't leave because I fear how difficult it would be to sort out custody when 3 nationalities are involved, when my MIL can so intervene (lots of money to pay her way into what suits her better). And because I'm afraid of not having anybody to help me with DS's needs.

I know I could stay hesitating forever not because I do still love him but because we are also in a very comfortable position. I work part time, have time to be with my child, can even afford some luxuries but at the end of the day, I feel as if there is someone I hardly know silently lodging in the house, who doesn't have anything to do with me unless we are talking about DS.

So... need a kick on my .... to get this divorce thing going.... any POV about why is a good thing to leave and a bad idea to stay?

Please help.

OP posts:

meowmix · 19/07/2006 16:07

Have you told him how you feel, as in how serious this now is? If he sorted the issues with in-laws/priorities would you want to stay?

sorry I don't have any practical advice other than if you are serious you need to speak to him and tell him what you're thinking and work out how you go from there. And at some point you'll prob need to get a solicitor

Original poster

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 16:21

Thanks for your post Meowmix.

I have been speaking to him for years but he says he will spend more time with me, that we need something about it, that we are not that bad, etc. but he never gets to do something about it. I think he is total denial, I have told him in so many ocassions that I want a divorce but he just doesn't believe me . I'm aware that we have to go through the most civilised divorce, as I don't want to spend the rest of DS childhood worrying about DS not being returned after a stay with his father (As I would like to take DS back with me to my country)

OP posts:

bluejelly · 19/07/2006 16:22

Sounds like you have fallen out of love with him.
You've tried really hard to make it work.
I would leave with a clear consience (though of course it will be hard).

meowmix · 19/07/2006 16:23

You have to have a hard conversation then. Do you have somewhere to go or does he?

bluejelly · 19/07/2006 16:24

Having said that I personally would think it totally unfair to take your ds to live in another country. Sorry but I think you should think extremely carefully before doing that.

meowmix · 19/07/2006 16:26

could you have a trial separation? might give you both time to assess what matters? also tbh MM&I you didn't answer my question - if he changes his ways would you stay or is this truly over for you?

Original poster

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 16:30

Bluejelly, problem is I'm from a country, H is from another and we live in a third one that we both would like to leave. I'm afraid of going back to his country because I would be on my own and near the inlaws too much of MIL influence over there.

I want to go to my country because I have family around that may be there while I get to stand back on my feet (professionally speaking). The problem with staying here is that my former career is highly related with communication and my spoken English is not good, nor is likely to get better as I'm loosing my hearing. I can read lips in my language, so I never had a problem doing my job there, here I couldn't be able to do it.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/07/2006 16:30

I personally would put up a fight that made Captain Ahab's pursuit of Moby Dick look like an Easter egg hunt if my soon to be ex tried to take my kids to another country to live.

You need to act very carefully here, I cannot stress that enough, especially as another expat. Some countries have reciprocal child custody agreements.

Sorry, sympathies for the state of your marriage BUT part of what I considered for a very long time before having kids w/my Scots hubby is the fact that, provided my husband is the good father he is to our children, I have to stay here whilst my kids are growing up.

Too bad, so sad. That's part and parcel, IMO, w/having kids as an expat.

Anything else would be completely unfair and selfish to my kids.

bluejelly · 19/07/2006 16:32

I see your problem. Can you both go back and live in your home country? Maybe do taht first then split up?

Original poster

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 16:33

MEowmix, the answer to your question is... that is probably a bit late for changing his ways, the damage is done, I don't love him anymore.

We have spoken hard about this, we have had civilised chats, tearful ones, others in from of Relate counselors, he always promise to put more effort into this marriage but he always forgot a few weeks afterwards.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 16:38

Would your views change Expat if I told you that I have been in ADs in several ocassions for considering suicide as the only way out of this matter?. Sure I love my son, that's why I have stayed all these years but there has not been a single day without this thing out of my mind.

He has been promising me to go back to my country next year for the last 8 yrs, and we are still here... now you know who I am.

OP posts:

meowmix · 19/07/2006 16:40

you really need to get legal advice - and to think very carefully about moving kids away from their father. Like expat I'd move mountains to keep close to ds and know that DH would do that twice over. Presumably he will have to give you some level of maintenance in the divorce anyway?

expatinscotland · 19/07/2006 16:42

No, sadly they wouldn't, b/c when you have kids, it's not about Me, Myself and I anymore, to the point where, if those ADs aren't helping, you have to go and try some others and some counselling.

Or you need to make the decision to leave your child w/your husband and go back to your country on your own.

B/c honestly, in the court system, you may run into some real difficulties if your spouse does not want him removed from the UK - and he is a British national.

And that's something you need to be prepared for.

If he says he'll move then fine, get yourself somewhere else to live here, apply to separate, and see if he walks the walk.

I know it's depressing being away from your country, but no one's putting a gun to anyone's head and forcing them to stay in the UK.

Life just doesn't always work out how we want it.

Original poster

MeMyselfAndI · 19/07/2006 16:56

He is not a british national either Expat. I'm not a selfish person (very lonely yes, hence my name).

I know DH would allow me to take DS with me (he thinks it's better for the child to remain with the mum), he knows I would move back, what worries me is his mother, if he goes back to his country (and mum) I'm sure it won't be long before MIL convince him to fight for custody (she has always have a huge influence on him)

Well, that's the main reason I'm afraid of getting a divorce, should I live in fear,lonely, and frsutrated for the rest of my life then? I don't think DS is being particularly benefitted at seeing his parents ignoring each other for months on end.

OP posts:

meowmix · 19/07/2006 17:02

ah honey, what a tough situation. You guys need to find some middle ground and get it written in stone so MIL can't disrupt things, including giving your ds plenty of time with dh. Are you worried that under MIL's influence he wouldn't bring ds back to you? Is that a concern?

Can you speak to lawyers in your home country as well as UK to find out how you'd stand there?

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