I need to be less picky and critical, it's killing my relationship with DP

[postmanpatscat]

We had another blow up over this on Friday. We've been together three years and live with my teenage DC (his DD stays in school hols too). We have quite different backgrounds, the north/south divide is something we just joke about though! We have both survived emotionally abusive relationships and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

He has his faults, and admits to them, and apologises readily. You always know where you stand with him. He perceives me as sometimes cold and calculated as I'm more introverted and avoid conflict. We acknowledge that two adults cannot live together without occasional arguments, and they are occasional, but my nitpicking and need to be spot on are causing a rift. He feels belittled and criticised. We care so much about each other and the last thing I want to do is make him feel like crap. It will bring our relationship to an end if we can't sort this out.

As an example, he rang to let me know he was nearly home and said where he was and he'd be 5-10 minutes. Instead of saying 'ok, see you soon', I said, 'I think it will take longer than that as this time of the evening' . Why can't I just let it go? Once in a while if someone does this you can just roll your eyes and let it wash over you, but if someone is doing this to you daily it gets right on your nerves and you feel like you're always in the wrong.

Any suggestions for how I can be the partner I want to be instead of a pain in the arse?

I think you'd have to examine why you're making these kinds of comments. Are there any underlining issues, resentments etc on your side that expresses itself in this criticism?

would you speak like that to someone you respected. Like your boss, or someone you were trying to impress?

Interested to know what you were thinking and feeling when you said "It will take longer" - were you annoyed with him that he wasn't home yet. Are you quite insecure and do you feel you need him to be more available to you? Or perhaps you had a wish to be right and to show this and get one over on him. A need to be right could be due to underlying fear that you are not good enough, or not respected enough. This is not always sensible and rational in the context of your present relationship, but could be a feeling hanging around from childhood. It would be understandable if you feel insecure, if you had abusive relationships in the past.

I have a picky nature and I have tried to adapt.

One saying that struck me when reading about improving relationships was *Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

To be honest I want to be right mostly but experience has taught me the being happy is more important and also that I'm not always right! (Although I am quite often!) So putting in my twopennorth is not helpful and it's not always correct anyway and who likes a know-it-all? I've found getting stuck defending your position is seldom worthwhile.

Once you've decided not to correct your partner it's time to practise holding back. You can train yourself to not say that stuff, I presume you can hold back from a boss or elderly relative if they are annoying? It is within your power.

I think it depends a bit on context.
Were you waiting for him for dinner, for example? It would be relevant if you would actually have to wait for longer than the 10min. But you could have said it in a critical way, or more matter of fact, still making it out that it would be ok.

Do you get ratty when hungry? I get picky and critical when I'm hungry

Sounds like you over analyse things quite a bit.

Its hard, and I'm very similar to you, but when these words form in your head, force yourself to keep them in. It won't be easy - giving up any habit is hard - but you can do it!

If you think about it, what will these words achieve?

Loved the "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" quote.

This is one of my bad habits! I'm also trying to improve. I do two things - I wait an extra couple of seconds to consider my reply. You need a thinking gap to recognise what's about to come out of your mouth. Also, I make a conscious effort to be UNpicky whenever I can stand it . I realise dh is expecting pickiness and criticism so sometimes when something is really not quite how I would have liked it - or has been misjudged - I make an effort to say how totally OK that is (kind of CBT for me in a way and I'm trying to compensate for past pickiness).

I know I have some issues with trusting DH's judgement and that combined with my naturally extremely over-analytical streak has turned me into a right PITA frankly. But I am trying to mend my ways.

That example you give is SO me