Which way to go , where is the light??

[SearchinForLight]

My story is long and never told. I never posted but almost daily ( time permitted) I read MN ...
Not sure how to put everything in writing , pls have a patience with me..
I came in UK 15 yrs ago and studied first two + worked pt when I met my husband.
I was 18 when I came and he was my second BF. I fell in love and after a year we had our first beautiful DD and shortly my second DD followed. I worked all my life. Went to work when my DD was only 3 days old. I HAD to. He stayed without job and we didn't have any other income. I was getting at the time £700 working as a nanny to a very wealthy family ( worked for them another 10 yrs).
My heart was breaking but there was no other choice, until today's day I miss those first months with them... Seeing them, holding them.. I never had PND ( angels guided me) and dh just couldn't get job( stayed without it 2 before dd was due).
I stayed without friends, was paying for everything - rent, bills, food and clothing. When I love I love without limmits and I can give you a world.
But....... Through all that time I never realised that he secluded me from people... I never realised that until NOW .
I don't know what it means meet someone for a tea- he always find a reason to argue and make me feel guilty Pls believe me- 4 days ago in Asda i met a lady that I knew 14 yrs ago and stayed 30 min for a tea... Em when I got home it was hell. Just to mention I stayed without job in nov( last 2.5 yrs worked in OT clinic).
I feel as if I am not living, like I am a ghost of myself, bad version of myself.
My DD are great, good girls ( ups and downs like any other preteens) great in school so on that side I am blessed but what else do I have in my life?
Haven't gone home for 15 yrs (2 hours flight). Only my mum visits us every year and he makes such a spectacle when she is here- the best man ever... I havent seen my 2 brothers 15 years... Because of him... I could scream... The BEST years of my life are GONE. I am now this poor looking , overweight human being.
In schools I speak with mothers , light conversations, I get invited for bp, teas but I always have to decline... I had 14 yrs of complains / arguments when I am coming from work if there is traffic and I am late - where am I , am I f.....g someone, maybe my bosses, security inTesco, drivers... Countless evenings when I was on my home I was praying that there is no traffic. I sometimes look at ladies talking , laughing - can tell they are friend and that they are gossiping.. I can't do that, I forgot what it means going to the shop myself just in case I don't talk to security ... And what broke in me tonight... Is... He spend all rent-due on17-12 on betting...
Can't even write anymore , will be back later on when I am calm and stop crying... Sorry.

£700pw

Rent is from our / my account . We don't get hb , private rental

Oh Sweetheart. I'm simply sending you a very unmumsnet like hug.

There'll be some wise ladies to talk to you in the morning. Try to get some sleep x

This is an abusive relationship. Has he ever been violent? women's aid can help you. Give them a call and tell them everything. They may be able to offer your and your children a refuge place. Please leave him as soon as possible.

0808 2000 247

I'm sorry you're in such an abusive relationship and would also urge you to call Womens Aid on the number above 0808 2000 247 and tell them all the things you originally wrote. Sadly, you are not alone. Many women find themselves in similar circumstances and they will be able to help you. I think you were targeted from Day 1 as being young, naive, eager to please and someone who he thought he could manipulate and control. You don't have to live like that for a second longer. Please stay safe and get advice on how to get him out of your life for good.

This is drudge love, a terrible existence.

You need to get CAB advice and woman's aid will help you understand what this relationship is and how bad it is your you and your girls.

Would you want them to live this life in their own relationships? Because this is what they thing a marriage is, they'Ll look for a man just like him.

Get out, show them that this isn't a life, and start living today.

Where is 'home' country? Could your family help to get you back home for a visit?

Thank you so much for support. Just to know there are people out there who will hear me... It's my pride that is stoping me from asking for help... I never ever asked anyone ever for any kind of help. Will I be judged? I don't want a anyone to feel sorry for me, I find it unbearable to feel that someone in rl think I am to weak or incapable of doing things...
Sorry lots of random things, that's how I feel inside... How to make that first contact ?
How to pick up a phone and say- I need help, this is not normal living? More and more memories are coming back, I guess I pressed them deep down in a small box....
I remember when I was working , I was really well of with a family that I was nanny with. I worked hard but they were ust fantastic ... I was earning lots of money. I was doing proxy parenting ocasionaly and those weekends when they were away I would bring cheques on Sundays evening written for £1200 and even that wouldn't be good. I new how blessed I was with that job and my employer was great... Bless their hearts... I got everything from them, toys for kids , clothes, vouchers, tickets for west end shows( the best seats for Lion King ) but he wouldn't want to go so directly I couldn't which meant - selling the tickets:(
I got from them every Chrismas 4 weeks weages gift + so many other things but just know thinking, I could have lived like a star with all that but for me it was important to please him, cause I thought that's what loving someone means. Sacrifice and compromise.
One thing about him, he never ever goes out too , except to do some odd job, he doesn't drink or smokes... But he does bet... Usually small amounts... I tried to stop him but it's not working...
6-7 years ago I found out that he took more than £2000 from my account. Not at once but £5 here £10 there and accumulated to that amount over 2 months ...
I am sorry, I am rumbling but this is first time ever that I am talking , feels so good to speak out ... I feel free writing all this.. And thank you for that...

I won't even pretend I have answers or helpful advice, I have not been in your shoes. I just wanted to say that you have taken the first step, a huge one in fact: you have realised the way he is treating you is not right. You don't have to put up with it. Sending all the courage in the world for whatever steps you choose to take now...and I hope it's LTB.

No-one here thinks you're weak or incapable. If you've read plenty of MN threads you'll know there are lots of women experiencing abusive relationships of various types. They're not weak or incapable either.... just very unlucky to have chosen to fall in love with someone who, over time, has turned out to be a mistake. Sadly, living in an abusive relationship damages your confidence and self-esteem so it's a bit of a vicious circle

Takes courage to even write it all down but I think you'll find that, now you've made that first move, you'll gain strength from it. If asking for help is not in your nature, how about simply 'asking for information'? Prepare the ground for when you finally decide to reject this miserable life. People like Womens Aid, CAB and solicitors are very good sources.

Yep, you don't have to start the conversation with I need help. You could start by saying 'I started a thread on mumsnet about my marriage and they suggested that I phone you'.

In the meantime feel free to get it all out on here. Getting it out of your head and 'on paper' can help clear the fog.

Also I'd say make sure you log out of here each time and don't let him pick up on any plans you have to leave.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds truly awful and you have such a strong spirit for keeping going through it all and now you have taken the first step towards starting your new, happy life. There are going to be lots of steps on the way but you have started.

It sounds like with your bullying DH you are going to have to be very careful and build a plan to escape. Am I right that you aren't working at the moment? Can you go anywhere during the school day without him knowing? Making an appointment at your local CAB will help you find out the HOW of starting a new life, as would a solicitors appointment. We can all see the WHY. Women's Aid will be able to help you work out the WHAT and the WHEN.

However alone you feel they will have seen terrible things like you are living with before. They will not feel pity for you, they will help you to take back your control and rebuild your life yourself.
Wishing you strength and love and luck.

Thank you for support... I need to do something, you are all right. I have to wait for this holidays to finish because of my girls. Thank you so much.
In many ways , when he wants, he can be this lovely , helpful man. What I realised now, it's on his turn. He cooks, cleans, doing homework with girls... We share housework and that part was never an issue.
So I guess he was partially hiding behind it :(
Do you believe me that I feel almost light:) I have to thank all of you.
I never EVER have a guests because of him neither I go to visit anyone. I do get invited but I think even ladies around me now something is wrong but no one wants to say? They must be thinking maybe I am nuts or something?
You know what I just realised? I haven't listen music for more then 4-5 yrs. I used to listen my songs from my country and I like symphonies, but even that I am not doing anymore.
I used to like to learn, read, research ( I am interested I sensory integration disorder- Ot) . I forgot who am I and whats my purpose?
He was violent towards me on number of occasions, never provoked but for example if I am late home from church. Where were you( I am with girls) , why the mass was so long and that day I dared to answer and engage in conflict. He punched me in the head, was pulling my heir that everything was burning, kicked me on the floor and kept punching me...:(
I can't believe that I let him to do that. Believe me I am not someone talkative, loud or bad speaking.. I used to blame my self.
First ever time he hit me, I was pregnant 7 months and I was late from work( traffic) he actually punched me and pushed me on the wall and on the floor. I think neighbour called police, it was summer and obviusly he heard us ... Police did come but I said that everything is fine... I was so embarrassed and felt humiliated.
My parents never ever put a finger on me...
He didn't hit me again until2-3 yrs ago and since then it happend on few occasions....
:-/ :-( thank you for letting my voice to be heard....

No matter whether he is occasionally lovely and helpful, he's a violent criminal that you and your DDs should not be exposed to any longer. You didn't 'let him' assault you. He chose to do that. You mention church and you talk about 'blessings'. Assuming you're a person of faith I'll tell you a story.

A man is shipwrecked and clinging to driftwood in the ocean. He prays desperately to God to save him. After an hour a helicopter arrives but the man tells it to go away because God will save him. After twelve hours a ship arrives but the man tells it to go away because God will save him. The man eventually dies, goes to heaven and stands before God. 'Why God?' says the man..... 'Why didn't you save me?'

God shrugs his great shoulders and says 'I sent a helicopter and a ship. What else did you want I should do?'

If you've ever prayed for help from God He has been there in the form of your neighbour that called the police... but you sent them away. He's here now in the form of the faceless MN community urging you to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get help. Maybe it's time to listen?

Like Cogito is saying, there will always be something.
Your daughters will be being harmed in this environment (NOT your fault but true nonetheless). What would be better for them, for this be the Christmas they were set free from this life, or for them to have to pretend through Christmas for another year that everything is ok when it isn't.

I have been in a place where I was making excuses, where I was saying, "yes, but..., yes, but...," and eventually I just had to take some courage and realise these were excuses, not reasons, and go for it. We're not judging you for staying, we're offering you some courage to borrow to make the phone call that is the next step in changing things.

Don't let pride stop you from asking for help be proud enough to make a life for yourself and your daughters away from him. Ring Women's Aid . you sound like a strong lady but you need support through this.

Awesom post Cog very powerful!

OP: you really can do this.

All the things you realise you didn't do for so long, you can do again.

It was this thought that helped me let go of the abusive man I was with for 10 years.

I can't tell you how awesome it is to be free.

Please let people help you to find the light, the freedom, happiness and watching your girls bloom without that poisonous presence blighting their lives.

We're here, anytime you want to talk, please call WA and ask them to help you get out.

Since reading your lovely posts..i can't stop crying. My heart is breaking. My life is not crumbling, it crumbled the day i met him, just i didn't know that.
I remember,i was this brave,confident girl,who loved life and i was never scared of it's challenges and now i am just a shadow...i don't see purpose of life, my two dds are the only thing that keeps me going..
This morning i found out that he even used kids money...that's really not normal. Writing my first post just opend this whole world of suppressed memories..i could just run,run and scream.
I need a hug,something that so many people take for granted---i need friendly hug...it's worth gold to me..
I am so ashamed, ashamed of my own existence.How did i become this person? Is my end coming?
I carried him through life,i actually carried him...i never ever said to no one,including my dear mum. Her heart would break.
I never ever troubled people with my issues. I came to UK myself, not knowing anyone. I never ever asked for help--did it myself and now, when i look at myself in mirror i can't recognise the person on another side...
sorry, lots of rumbling..i need to find inner strenght

I remember,i was this brave,confident girl,who loved life and i was never scared you are still this person. She is inside you. it is this person who will grasp on to life again and get yourself out. All the strength and pride that have kept you alive and your girls succeeding despite him will still be there and will enable you to break free and stay free.

You can do it, people will help you.

• make sure your internet history is hidden (incognito browsing) incase he becomes suspicious.

• Women's aid number will not show up on most telephone bills.

*would you be able to get a cheap PAYG mobile as a secret means of contacting the outside world?

• consider setting up a no fee basic bank account and putting in a pound here and there if you can safely do it. www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/basic-bank-accounts it will mean that if and when you do escape you can transfer your child benefit and wages etc straight in with no delay. Choose on where you don't get any paper sent to your home (a local branch will keep paperwork for you) I did this and it was a life saver...my local bank was TSB, nothing came to the house until I was rid of him.

There is no shame in your situation except his. Mothers are tough people... you know this, you're a mother. Your mother's heart is more likely to break if she thinks you've lived in such misery and never said anything. It's not the end of you, it's just a fork in the road and you have choices now. It isn't 'troubling' people to ask for help. We all need help - even the strongest and most independent of us - from time to time.

Would you consider talking to your GP in confidence?

Have you read www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?

If you can order this, or download it, you will see that NONE of the things you describe here are YOUR fault.

When I read this book, after the Ex had left, it absolved me of every last bit of the weight of guilt that I was being crushed by. Reading that book was the single most liberating thing I ever did.

You didn't do this love, HE DID.

Please don't feel guilty. All you did was believe in someone that let you down.

I think you're amazing. You clearly have a lot of strength, and spirit, and insight - it all comes through in your posts.

You need to get free of this man. It will be tough, but so are you. And there is a lot of help at hand, you just need to reach out and ask for it: police, lawyers, Women's Aid, mumsnet for moral support, mothers at the school who may be more sympathetic than you realise...

You are all so supportive and you are empowering me so much and I just want to say thank you.
I need to first gather some money and get strength... The more I read your replies , I am getting more energy and confidence. I need to look inside myself, it's hard but I will do it slowly. I need to gather my thoughts and have a plan.

I was even thinking on telling him how I feel and just to say everything what is on my mind and in my heart, but it won't make any difference , is it?

That wouldn't be smart?! What about kids, can he take them from me? So many questions and ifs are in my head....

You're in a dangerous situation now so BE VERY CAREFUL. Abusive men can react very badly if they think that they are about to lose their victim so you have to use all your intelligence to stay safe. He's already kicked and punched you to the floor on at least one occasion... he is a very dangerous man. Tell him how you feel, give him a hint that you're leaving, and all you give him is ammunition and an excuse to go completely over the top.

As a father he would theoretically be entitled to some contact with the DCs ... BUT... if he is on record as being a violent man, that contact would be supervised only, if at all. If he is on record as being a violent man you'd qualify for Legal Aid. This is why you need to talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 urgently because they can guide you through the process, point you in the direction of legal/police support and, above all, keep you and your DCs safe at all times.

Thank you all, especially cogito, you are like my rock... You are right, no I won't be telling him anything.
I never reported him , I was too scared. One thing I have to say, he is really good to kids. Very patient , loving , learning with them, teaching them to cook, research their favourite subjects...
I have to really organise myself, one thing at the time. One thing when I get more strength I will call WA. I will see what they will say... I am scared as well that girls will be scared and confused. He was never ever violent in front of them, doesn't even argue when they are around .. He is very careful from the time police was called by neighbour ( previously mentioned).
DD's don't have a clue what is happening, believe me I am very good in hiding sadness and despair. Everyone , especially Cog are giving me HOPE which I lost... Thank you