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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Mother who told me never to contact her again..........................

21 replies

InsanityandBeyond · 14/12/2013 23:34

has sent my DD a card with money in for her birthday. Of course, I gave it to her and she sent my mother a text to say thank you. Mother replied to her that she was her grandmother and she would never forget her birthday.

It has made me inwardly seethe all day. I have now just sent my mother a text saying that she told me never to contact her again and I adhered to that, anything else she sends will be returned to sender, my DCs do not need gifts from someone who has chosen not to be in their lives or their mothers and sending money in a card does not a grandmother make.

Worried I may have been a bit harsh Hmm.

Mother has not seen my DCs for a year. Over the last 3 years, we have manly been NC as therapy brought up all the childhood abuse (that she denies) that I endured at her hands after her divorce from my father when I was around 6. My entire adult life has been spent thinking of myself as a horrible, nasty, unimportant person due to her emotional abuse and when I called her on it and her preventing contact with my father, the whole family closed ranks and shut me out.

I am sick and tired of feeling unimportant and while I would love my DCs to have the loving grandmother they deserve, I will not continue feeling that I 'don't matter' just so my DCs get gifts off her. She has been nasty to my middle DC (who is a lot like me even down to the glasses - she used to call me 'four eyes') which triggered me confronting her in the first place.

Any thoughts? I feel like I have done something very wrong Hmm.

OP posts:
happytalk13 · 14/12/2013 23:38

Not harsh - you've just fallen into a Toxic's trap - she's reeled you in hook, line and sinker and gotten the attention she wanted. I have the same problem.

As someone else on here often says - and I'm sure she'll see this soon and post.... "If she's too toxic for you to deal with she's too toxic for your children." Wise words.

Flisspaps · 14/12/2013 23:39

I don't think you've done the wrong thing; there might be concern from some that you have broken your NC rule by texting her to tell her you'll be returning future gifts, but I think as long as you ignore further contact and stick to the 'return to sender' or sticking-it-in-the-bin ruling then it's ok.

Hope you're ok :(

AnyFuckerWillDo · 14/12/2013 23:42

Don't think it's the 'right' thing to do. But i'd of done the same.

InsanityandBeyond · 14/12/2013 23:43

Phew - thank you both. Bloody FOG threatening to envelop me again!

OP posts:
peppapigmustdie · 14/12/2013 23:58

You did the right thing, just make sure you return to sender in the future. Your Mother doesn't have any rights over her gc. If she is so horrible to you then do not let her near your dc. Stay strong.

InsanityandBeyond · 15/12/2013 00:07

Thanks AnyFucker. I know the 'right' thing would have been just to leave it.

At our last meeting in October which was face to face at her request (long way to travel for me) and was supposed to clear things up once and for all, she told me 'she was so terrified of me when I was a DC that she had to lock all the knives up as I was so evil and nasty' and I was a 'fat, stinking, ugly bitch like his mother' (my paternal grandmother who I have no memory of). When I told her she was projecting her own shit onto me and I would not carry it any more, she threatened to get my stepfather 'to sort me out'. I told her I was not scared of him any more (am 42 now Hmm) so she stormed off leaving me sitting there and later sent me a text saying that she would be sending an email to the whole family telling them what I'd said and I was never to contact her again. Sad thing was I thought she wanted to sort things out Hmm.

I will not allow her to make herself to be a caring grandmother and me to be the 'fuckup' any longer!

OP posts:
Meerka · 15/12/2013 09:10

Dear god, insanity ... that hurts even to read on the other side of the screen. No, this woman is no good for you or for your family. What happens if / when she starts slagging you off to your children, subtly or not so subtly? Because she most likely will. After all she's slagged you off to the rest of the family.

So sorry you have a mother like this.

Tapiocapearl · 15/12/2013 09:20

Tell her she has to have a good relationship with you before she can have a relationship with your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 09:23

This type of behaviour that your mother has done here is known as hoovering.

Your response, though typical, was just what she wanted all along.

Some toxic people will let you leave a relationship without caring one bit. They never really cared about you, and if you don’t want to be used and abused anymore, they’re simply on to the next person before you can say, “Bye!”

Others, however…

Others hoover.

The toxic hooverer doesn’t truly care about you either — they just want to keep you around to feed on emotionally, and when you decide to go no contact, they don’t plan on letting you get away that easily.

Many hooverers have traits of borderline, narcissistic, antisocial or histrionic personality disorders. You can click the green & purple buttons to the lower right to find out if that may describe the person hoovering you. People with Dependent Personality Disorder may also hoover.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:

•Ignoring your requests to break off the relationship and attempting to continue on as if nothing has changed.
.
•Asking you when you’re going to “get over it” and return to your past actions.
.
•Sending you a fake apology to give you hope that things have changed.
.
•Trying to trick you into contact by saying someone needs you, is sick, or in trouble.
.
•Triangulating with others, communicating things to you through them.
.
•Saying they’re worried about you, concerned about whether you’re okay, need to know where you are, etc.
.
•Sending unwanted cards, messages and gifts, sometimes gifts for your children, as they know you are likely to feel guilty about keeping a gift from your kids. Don’t allow this – exposing your children to manipulation is far worse!
.
•Returning old items you left behind.
.
•Baiting you with drama games.
.
•Contacting you about “important” things they “forgot” and suddenly have to tell you.

Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honoured, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

If you have told someone you do not want contact, and they continue to bother you, the police can assist you. If you ever feel that someone you are trying to break off a relationship with may be capable of more than simply annoying you mildly, contact your local police for assistance. They are well-accustomed to dealing with skillful manipulators and have many smart ways of handling them, so do not hesitate to ask for help. (And remember, you have nothing to be ashamed about; you’re not the one behaving badly, and the police are there to protect you from abuse.)

More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering#ixzz2nX9Q7DQ0

I would also suggest you read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages if you have not already done so.

Abitannoyedatthis · 15/12/2013 09:26

Op you have done nothing wrong. Delete her phone numbers and if any unsolicited mail arrives refuse delivery or return to sender.

She will continue to torment you via your DD's if you let her have contact. It is nice for kids to have grandparents but a vicious abusive woman is not fit to be their grandmother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 09:28

If she is too toxic for you to deal with she is certainly too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless children to have any contact with either.
Some grandparents really should not have any access to their grandchildren.

She was and remains an abusive parent to you and she will be just as nasty to your own children. You have already seen evidence of this towards one of your children in particular. You have to continue to protect them from your mother before she destroys them emotionally as well. They must not see your mother.

NC is precisely that - cards are put in the bin and gifts received (these are also never sent without unwritten conditions attached to them) go to the charity shop, cheques are not cashed. There is and has to be absolutely no acknowledgement from you with regards to anything that is sent. She wants acknowledgement and this time you gave that to her; that is what she wanted all along.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 09:29

Unsolicited mail from her should not be returned; again this is a response in kind. Such mail should be binned without opening. Complete radio silence is necessary.

Hissy · 15/12/2013 09:33

Jesus Atilla that link's getting a lot of use this time of year eh?

Flaming toxics and their need to show everyone how wonderful they are.

OP, send the money back in future, or put it in an account for your dd, but don't ever engage with that woman again. No thank yous, nothing.

You don't have to thank that terrible woman for anything.

Longdistance · 15/12/2013 09:34

The woman sounds unhinged.

I'd be telling her not to contact your dc either. You don't need this poisonous person in your life.

Hissy · 15/12/2013 09:34

Yes, sorry, revision. Don't send the mail back

:) can you tell i'm stuck in this crap too! :)

happytalk13 · 15/12/2013 10:06

Oh good, I see the cavalry have arrived Smile and they are so very right. It is very hard though isn't it? I'm sitting here now looking at the two huge boxes of gifts in our dining room. My conditioning tells me it would be oh so rude to give them away - I can see the look of utter disdain followed by the gathering of various family members to have a good old heart to heart about what an ungrateful and hearless daughter I have been....I can literally script the whole conversation in my head right now.

It's heard to not react. I think a lot of people who have to deal with toxic families so desperately want it to just get better one day; your pleas to be heard; to be seen; to be accepted as having your own thoughts and feelings and ideas that are different, will prevail and your parent will smile and say: "It's okay, I understand what you mean." -and then act on their words in a kind, thoughtful and respectful manner. I thought that would happen to me one day - and then I stumbled across the relationships board here and the survivors of abusive relationships and stately homes threads. The people who post in those threads and board were exactly what I needed - I came to the realisation that I'm not alone, it's not just me, and it won't get better and that isn't my fault.

This isn't your fault.

Sorry for the epic post and sorry your mum is who she is.

gleekster · 15/12/2013 10:20

Please protect your DC from your toxic mother.
I did not and now my DD who is 16 is totally enmeshed and believes all the utter crap my mother pours into her ears. I am NC with Toxic mother, but she feeds off my daughter and delights in turning her against me.
It was the biggest mistake of my life allowing her to get close to my kids. She is already triangulating with my brothers DC too, trying to turn the eldest against the youngest. It is just what they do. It's sick but they cannot change.
Luckily for me, my DM is not remotely interested in me any longer as she has no use for someone who will stand up to her, which I finally did. That doesn't stop her wanting to wreak revenge on me for my audacity in claiming independence from her. She will do this by any means necessary.
For anyone having these problems with not knowing whether to allow their DC to have contact with toxic parents, please please don't. I regret it so much.

Meerka · 15/12/2013 10:37

gleekster, so sorry to hear this. I hope one day your daughter realises what your mother has done and you can reclaim her.

bishbashboosh · 15/12/2013 15:29

Your posts upset me so much , mainly because my mother is or was the same.

She walked out in us for another man and lives in luxury whilst we lived in poverty.

As a child I tried and tried and cried Nd cried but eventually realised she will never ever be the Mother I wanted her to be

I did this and it really works I haven't heard from her for a few years. She sends cards but I too them up.

I told her to rot in hell and I was so angry I know she would never dare contact me again. I thought it would hurt and I thought I would feel guilty, having been made to feel guilty all my life

The next day my life began! A huge weight was lifted. It is only now I have got over what she did, why did I hang in and expect her to be a mother, for so long?!

Tell her how you feel, let her know exactly what you think of her, give her so much hatred there is no going back

Do it now

bishbashboosh · 15/12/2013 15:30

Glee later u am so sorry to head that and that was always my biggest fear

pumpkinsweetie · 15/12/2013 15:38

Do not respond op, sorry to hear your mother is like thisSad

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