Have discovered a Half Brother, help?

[meboo]

My DH Father left home when my DH was 15, my DH does not know why.
His Father did not keep in contact with my DH but did continue to have contact with DH sister.
We married 16 years ago and my FIL wanted to be in the wedding (or his mother told him he would be, i don't know)
Our son was born 10 years ago and my FIL wanted to meet his grandson. We hoped that this may have been the start of contact for my DH and his Father but it was not to be the case.
We have been doing the family tree and in doing so have discovered a half brother. We have found him on Facebook and can see the resemblance and have ordered a birth certificate which has proved the fact.
My DH does not know what to do next. He doesn't have a close relationship with his sister and we don't think she will cope with this information well, she stopped having contact with her dad possibly 7/8 years ago now.
We are concerned that if we bring this up now while his Grandma is still alive (FIL Mother) that it would kill her (she's 96).
We assume that no one in the family knows.
We don't want to speak to my MIL as we think it's hurtful although from the dates the Half brother was not conceived until 6 years after my FIL left home, so possibly not having an affair - who knows!
We also have an aunt we could speak with but we are concerned that she will shut us down (GM and Aunt are the matriarchs)
We don't have the ability to contact my FIL unless the Aunt rings him, no one is allowed to have a number for him.

There is also the thought that everyone else knows and my DH doesn't which will of course be hurtful to find out too.

We have thought about seeking outside help but don't know where to turn.
What would you do?

that sounds upsetting
do you have to do anything as such at this stage - does dh want to meet the half brother for example?
I can imagine he's very cross with FIL for not telling him, although from what you've said here it doesn't sound like FIL will be very receptive to talking about it etc anyway. What would make dh feel any better now, if anything?

Is there any need to tell the Grandma? It really sounds like it's better she doesn't know. Her and the Matriarchal Aunt. In fact, it's not really actually any of their business and if there's a risk she will shut you down, better not to. If FIL had wanted people to know he'd have told them.

His sister is trickier. I think that she has a right to know, but it depends on how badly she will react. News of a half-sibling gets people reacting in many and sometimes unexpected ways.

Would a letter help? Letting her know half-brother exists but that you don't know any more. Don't let her know it's confirmed; if she wishes to reject the idea of his existance, she can tell herself that you might be mistaken. If she contacts you and wants to know more, then you can tell her it's confirmed.

Regarding yourselves: finding half-siblings - well, any long-lost relative - is a strange and odd sensation. If you choose to get in contact, your DH might need to prepare himself for a number of reactoins on both sides.

I've been through this with half-siblings myself, though I did know they might exist. Please do feel free to drop a pm if you'd like to chat mroe :)

Perhaps the half brother doesn't know of your existence either.

Would your DH send him a message on FB saying I think you have a brother & seeing whether the half brother is interested before you tell anybody else.

I'd let it lie. Your DH has no history or memories with this man so apart from the physical blood tie, he could be anyone you see in the street. Getting in touch and trying, maybe, to create a relationship would have no foundation and will likely just peter out. It's interesting but not worth taking any further in my experience.

Well, what does your DH want to do? There's no obligation to do anything with this knowledge. On the other hand, if he DOES want to do something, then contacting the half-brother direct via FB is the simplest way and there's no need to involve any other family members. If the HB doesn't want to know then that's an end to it.

I think he just doesn't know what to do with the information really. The only thought now is once his Grandma and Aunt go there is no way to contact his Father and so how would we ever know he had died, if and when he does. On the other hand if he dies before the Aunt and we do know somehow how will everyone feel when dealing with the death of his Father and the revelation of a half brother assuming of course that he is not estranged from his Father too and that everyone ends up at a funeral. Wouldn't it be better to deal with it now?

We also thought there was less fall out if we spoke direct to his Father instead of contacting the Half brother on FB. But he really doesn't want to talk to his Father.

You'll presumably find out addresses/phone nos when his Grandma and Aunt die? (From getting one of their address books if nothing else.)

I don't believe it would be best to 'deal with it' now because I see no purpose to it. This man is neither a real brother nor a friend. Why bother?

We have asked for it and been told that she would let him know that we wanted to get hold of him and ask him to call us, we also asked for an email address if that was better. We have not heard, but can't assume that he has not contacted us as the aunt may not has passed on the message.
This was all when we first found out, now we know for a fact my DH is not wanting to talk to him anyway.

Is your DH curious about the half-brother? does he want to contact him? it's a very odd thought that there's family out there you don't know, and people seem to react very differently to the idea of it.

Ask your aunt and gran to tell your dad to ring you. Don't give any reasons

FB the brother?