Link needed - friend nearly having an affair....?

[wallaby73]

I was reading some threads on here, cannot find which i saw this on, but someone mentioned some sort of letter that can be found online regarding "what you will become" or similar if you continue down the path of affair and deception; she has such a lot to lose but is caught up in what i can see could become a total disaster for all concerned; she has asked me for advice and short of stating the bloody obvious, she could do with a short sharp reality check....can anyone send me a link?

I don't know where that link is sorry, wallaby but I really don't agree with the concept of 'what you will become'. You don't 'become' your behaviour.

I have a friend that had an affair that turned out very, very badly, she's in pieces still and it's been such a waste of two precious years of her life.

Because she wouldn't accept that her affair wasn't something 'written in the stars', she didn't believe that what usually happens would happen to her. I suggested that she should look at scenarios, work them out in her head to logical conclusion, ie. how would it be if OM left wife and set up home with her, what would relationships with his family be like, etc. I did that because it would make me think twice.

There are lots of myths perpetuated on here about affairs, OM/OW but also a lot of very sound advice too. All you can do is try to get your friend to protect herself by not going down this road because there's nowhere back and whilst I don't believe in the labels that are bandied around so freely, I do believe that you lose a little of yourself at the very least.

Lyingwitch i couldn't agree more; this has never happenned to her before and i think it's a huge shock that she could even feel this way when she states her marriage has been a happy one, it's blown a lot of long held myths/theories out of the water for her. In the end she is responsible for her behaviour, she knows what she needs to do (go NC) and is horrified at what the consequences could be; yet clearly not horrified enough to pierce the bubble she seems to have created. She does not want to end her marriage, nor does the other party. I've been through a marriage break up, although no one else was involved, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, the fallout is so huge, but i'm on the other side now....would hate to see her needlessly go through the same but infinately more messy.....in the end it's up to her. She's been an amazing friend to me, i do not want to get overly involved in this as she well understands. But would hate to see it go massively tits up!

All you can do is bring it home to her, wallaby. Make it as 'real' as possible. She doesn't want to end her marriage but she wants to have an affair. She wants it because she doesn't think she'll get caught and, she might not, but if she does, the damage will be extensive and she has no idea of the fallout. There's no way back from it either.

Carry on being an amazing friend to her, wallaby but don't get sucked into the drama. That's the good advice that I had here when I posted. My thread was in 'Chat' and I copied the whole thing, printed it and gave it to my friend. It was quite hard hitting in places and I was so grateful for it. It didn't stop my friend BUT I know I'd done all that I could. If you want me to send it to you by e-mail, PM me your e-mail address and I will.

'in the end it's up to her'

And that's where it starts and finishes. Sometimes being a friend means giving someone enough room & enough respect to allow them to make their own mistakes. If you don't like the person she is as a result, then don't continue the friendship. Being judgemental or moralising is not the basis for a friendship.

Agree cogito, i'm in no position to judge or moralise believe me, it helps no one.

I also wonder about the type of person who has affairs (or is considering doing so) and then spills their guts to others. Smacks of attention-seeking, setting themselves in the middle of a big soapy drama etc rather than any kind of real emotional dilemma. Is she someone who enjoys the limelight or is she normally the dull type?

It really is an emotional dilemma, have been friends for 15 years.....never has anything like this happenned, she is no drama queen, no one else knows