Post emotionally abusive breakup it kills me everyone acts like nothing happened

[nancydrew]

Following an emotionally abusive relationship/marriage I separated 4 years ago and am now divorced. Recently it is really hurting me that all our friends bar one still talk to him etc. That his family who I still know and visit regularly now and spent over 11 years with now exclude me from all family occasions but expect me to dress my children up and deliver them regardless of whether it it 'my weekend/evening'. Why is emotional abuse so acceptable, excusable and generally ok with everyone? Perhaps I should have got over it by now but I still feel hugely hurt and damaged by the abuse. I know I have to retain a civil relationship for the sake of the children but I struggle to accept that virtually everyone I know continues to have a relationship with and socialise with a man that was so utterly vile and abusive to me. Please can anyone help me to process this and move forward?

It's not acceptable but it is often a 'hidden' problem. Emotionally abusive people are, by definition, very manipulative and deceptive. They can also be charming and plausible... it's probably how he got you to trust & love him originally? Their motivation is self and being in control.

As a way to move forward you have to take back control. I would say, in your case, that means not being too preoccupied with being civil but becoming much less accommodating all round. Sticking to your contact schedule rather than dressing up your DCs for these occasions would be a good place to start. The phrase 'it's inconvenient'... closely followed by a straight 'no'... have to become standard. Your DCs won't suffer.

Do these other people know the truth about the relationship? If they want to continue to be taken in by his fake persona that is entirely their look-out. You can't legislate for the opinion of others. Instead, you have to replace these shallow, easily-led friends with genuine friends of your own.

Finally, you may benefit from something like the Freedom Programme which helps women just like you understand the emotional abuse process and its effects.

Thank you Cogito

Why are you still visiting his family if they make a point of excluding you from all family occasions? I would knock that on the head straight away.
The mutual friends who still socialise with him probably don't see the side of him that you saw and therefore see no reason not to continue to see him. As said above - you can't change their opinions so a good place to start might be to not try anymore and, again good advice from above, make your own friends who are there for YOU.

Have you had any counselling? It can be a real eye-opener and help you change the way you react.

Thank you for your reply Rather.

Sorry for not coming back sooner. I went out for lunch, part of my campaign to make sure I see people and stop isolating myself.

I did have counselling before, during and after the break up, that's what helped me to instigate the end of the marriage by telling him to get out. I've had counselling a few times before that, huge self esteem issues all my life which I have worked out theoretically but perhaps not emotionally despite having tried over and over. I never thought about the freedom programme, but I would be worried about bumping into clients locally, I have worked in my home town and another local city, plus I have relatives in a third local one. I will keep trying to use my books and the Internet though for education/support and perhaps I need to get me to counsellor again. It's nearly 5 years since I told him to go and I am not psychologically or emotionally or financially sorted yet.

I am expected at the in-laws for Xmas lunch because I have the kids but I have already arranged to go to a friend's house for lunch, although I am going to in- laws in the morning. I know it sounds silly but I have a relationship with them, they were like my parents, they treated me better than my parents did at times so I feel I can't take the kids away from them on significant days. Perhaps I will try to carve my time out though and stop giving any of my time up.

As for my friends, the jury is out, I have known some of them for 20 years, other for 10+. The relationships have already cooled with some and with others they are more positive than negative. Plus I have others that are more my friends than his although I guess they still have to speak to him because all our kids are friends.

Thank you so much for reading and your replies. I have never posted about something so personal before. & Thank you for not giving me a right rollicking

It's a tough one with in-laws. I used to get on great with all of mine but the old adage 'blood is thicker than water' kicked in and I realised pretty early on that, however nice they were to me, they would never agree with me if it meant going against him. There were a few awkward silences too many. I decided that I could only afford to have people in my life that were 100% on my side and with whom I could be 100% myself...

Let the DCs go to the in-laws but maybe step out yourself if it's making you uncomfortable

I found that with family & friends, unless they personally have been on the receiving end of the abuse or witnessed it themselves then they either:

a - don't believe you
b - minimise it so you gradually become in the wrong e g you are too sensitive or you want too much
c - ignore it completely as it doesn't affect them

It sounds as though you are being more considerate of the inlaws than they are of you. If they actively exclude you on family occasions but you are still spending Christmas with them it is confusing & they are dictating when & where they spend their precious time with you irrespective of your feelings. Now you have seperated it is the responsibility of the ex to consider access to his parents, not yours. I know this is hurtful as they have been more like your parents than your parents but by trying to hang around them & being hurt when they don't invite you is not good for your confidence or your self esteem. If you want to move forward then consider letting them go. Keep your weekends & evenings as yours & set up some boundaries with them. If they are his parents then they will always choose him over you.

Its worth mentioning that people will see him for how he is eventually. (I had some friends who when I left my exH were horrible to me, truly horrible. They rented out a bedroom to exH & he could do no wrong, I was the bitch that had split the family up & taken the kids away from their father. Fast forward 6 months & they evicted him as he hadn't been paying the rent, things got bitter & now they don't talk to him. Its quite comforting to know that they have realised they were wrong).

Yes I get that only too well my ex nearly killed me with physical violence one night when he came home drunk from a family party , I had v young children but dud divorce him , counselling gave me strength too but the emotional abuse has continued for years , he's stolen money from both the children's bank accounts and emotionally abused them too ,now he doesn't see them at all and so do all his family , they have all walked away from the children their aunts uncles nan and grandad , they hv protected him and supported him no end !!! That's how abuse remains hidden , his whole family hide it !!!!

Totally agree with onetiredmummy re the reaction of others. Most people are wrapped up with their own stuff, and just don't think about it. Or they just cannot imagine it, or imagine them being that way when in public they are so affable, charming and considerate (my STBXH). There is also the wider social expectation that women hang on, rock solid, in any relationship. It is very hard.

The only thing you can really change is you. Get some boundaries in place, push ahead and create the life you want. Truly, sod him, his family, the friends, become detached re contact & inlaws, do what it takes to facilitate contact, and keep the rest of the energy and spend it on a new relationship: with YOU.

OP have you thought about counselling?

I am in a similar situation - my STBXH's family cut me off virtually from the day we separated. I thought I was close to them, in fact I saw and spoke to them more than he did. It was obviously their way of brushing me under the carpet. Counselling is helping me come to terms with the situation and helping me realise I don't need people who have acted like this in my life.

My STBXH has continued to be vile to me but I have allowed him to be!! I am now getting stronger and taking back control. We have been separated for 14 months - 4 years is way too long to still be feeling this way, please get some help x

So sorry just re-read and see you have had counselling. I really feel for you to still be feeing this way. Some good advice above which I will also take on board.