Sex gone out of marriage

[GoneOnHolidayByMistake]

DH and I have been together for ten years, married for 6. At the beginning we had a reasonably healthy sex life, but in the last 3/4 years it has dwindled away to nothing. We've got a 14mo DS and I've had PND which hasn't helped but the problem was there long before conceiving, we used to argue about it all the time.

The problem is that DH is fairly emotionally repressed and very reticent about talking about it. He seems to have a very low sex drive, and mine has taken a nosedive as a result. He just doesn't seem to fancy me, or have the urge to have sex, which has seriously dented my self confidence. He once told me that he viewed sex as an imposition on me, and I think he is scared of rejection, so I have made the effort over the years to approach him, and let him know that it's OK and that I would like to have sex, but he doesn't respond, whether its because he doesn't read the signs or that he just doesn't want to, I don't know but I end up feeling very hurt and rejected.

We get on well in all other respects, but having just come out of some fairly intensive therapy for anxiety and depression, I feel like I want to address this. I used to feel as though it made sense that he wouldn't want to have sex with me as I was so ugly/fat/such a horrible person, but now, thanks to the therapy, I no longer believe this and feel the problem is largely to do with his attitude to sex. I just want some passion and romance in my life, and he just seems incapable of providing it. I have tried very hard over the years to address this by talking, arranging nights away without LO, buying new underwear etc etc but since conceiving almost 2 years ago we have had sex once (and only after having a few drinks). We want another child but I am afraid that we will have sex to conceive and then there will be another two year drought, and I fear it's going to seriously damage our relationship. I'm already starting to fantasise about other men, although I would never do anything like have an affair, I just want to have a sexual relationship with my husband. His lack of sexual drive is a massive turn off which is why I am thinking about other men, I used to fancy him so much but the spark is just not there any more.

Can we get it back? Please help.

I should have said that he is a wonderful husband in all other respects, he does loads around the house, is kind to me (if not thoughtful) and has been supportive throughout my therapy. He is a great dad and since having DS I've seen a more emotional side to him with regards to him, he is very moved by the experience of being a father and is able to express his love for our son in a way I never expected.

But I direct almost all aspects of our life, from where to go on holiday, to what to have for dinner, to when we should start our family, to what we should do around the house, what we do on a weekend, and it's fairly exhausting. I just want him to take control more.

It's unfortunate when you realise you're with someone who is 99% right but that the missing 1% a) is not going to magically appear and b) is ruining your life. Doesn't matter what the 1% is really. For you it's his lack of passion and passive nature more generally. For others it may be some other behavioural tic or irritating habit. But it's a basic incompatibility that you either have to tolerate with all its implications or reject completely. There is no middle way, unfortunately, and it's clear he is not going to change. This is as good as he gets.... is that OK for the next 30 or 40 years?

Nope. Not really. But I do love him and can't even think about breaking up our family.

So your happiness is unimportant? Everything you said originally... fantasising about other men, feeling exhausted, feeling rejected.... that's liveable is it? Just be careful. Women who settle for that kind of life end up self-medicating with food, credit cards, alcohol, flings... If you're making the choice to stay, do it 'eyes open'.

If its not something you think you can live with then the only way forward is to be completely open and honest with him, uncomfortable and difficult though he may find it. At the moment he is calling all the shots, sex-wise, because of his preference and that's simply not fair. He may not be able to change, but you need to give him the chance to try - couples therapy, relationship therapy, sex therapy, visit to his GP, whatever.

He may not realise how unhappy you are in this one respect although you say you used to argue about it all the time - but maybe he thinks you have now settled for the status quo and are less bothered, or even not bothered at all which is clearly not the case.

I think you need to lay it on the line and see if you can find a way forward together, but if you have a good marriage otherwise then this is information that he simply needs to know. What he then does with that information is up to him.

I do feel that apart from this issue, our marriage is great. But it's such a big part of life (for me anyway) that living the rest of my life without it seems unthinkable.

Having been through my therapy I realise how much talking can help so I will try again with him. I think it's got to the point where we both feel so defensive and afraid of rejection that it seems difficult to start the conversation.

I just wish I knew what he thought about it, if he genuinely has a low sex drive then if there's anything that can be done about it, but he's so private about things like that. I am too I suppose and I can't talk to anyone in real life about it, hence this thread. But I could talk to him about it, if he will only respond.