Jealousy

[MoreSlummyThanYummy]

Let's start how I mean to go on....I am jealous and insecure. Always have been, have body image issues and have always, deep down, feel I am unlovable.

My poor OH is on the receiving end of this and I have particular females in his life that I have issues with and if I'm honest it has gone on so long I can't even remember what triggered it.

I think that I test him to see if he will ever put me first and it never works out in my favour. But in reality I don't blame him as there is no basis in my feelings.

I feel really lonely and although I have friends, I am just so tired from DS, work I have to say I don't make the effort I could. I pretty much do everything around the house and with DS, am the main earner and spoil the OH rotten.

Reading this back I know the answer is simple, stop being such a bitch to him, but it isn't that simple. I want to be a relaxed chilled out gf but somehow I let my emotions run out of control. I've always been the type of person that expects the worst. I know I need to change and I know he must love because tbh he has put up with a lot from me and any lesser man would have walked away. Help!

I'm also the jealous type!

I see no good reason DP wants me but he does. I think it helps to nip it in the bud and when you feel jealous say so and explain why. These things always get bigger in your head than they really are.

Your story is contradictory.... On the one hand you are the main earner, you do everything domestically, all the childcare and you 'spoil the OH rotten'. On the other you say you're a bitch to him and you make no effort. The only way the two go together is if you're saying that you feel so guilty that you feel it necessary to overcompensate.... or if you're being emotionally bullied.

I'm not at all sure that this is as one-sided as you're making out. It's very common, you see, for rather lazy, manipulative men to play on a partner's insecurities and fears deliberately in order to get them into the state that you are now i.e. unhappy, lonely, feeling like 'a bitch', feeling guilty and therefore nicely under control and waiting on them hand and foot.

Who are these females in his life?

You are the main earner and do all house work and childcare ?

Maybe you want dp to show you that he cares and appreciates you so you do little things to try and see if he does and when he doesn't you start feeling more insecure ?

Msvee that is exactly it. I want him to SHOW me he cares and when he doesn't then it causes more issues.

I know I am useful, what with everything I do, but I don't want to feel that is all I am.

The girls - well there are 2 in particular - one is a friend he has known forever but IMO she is very rude. The second is a girl from work, and honestly my insecurity comes from the fact that I look at her and think she has many of my qualities but slimmer, younger, more fun.

The OH isn't a bully but he is emotionally quite cold and as a very open and tactile person I struggle with that. And he is VERY stubborn so the more I push the more he digs his heels in. I can totally understand that.

And how does he behave with these women? You describe him as emotionally cold .... is he emotionally cold with his friend and the girl from work? I bet he isn't....

I'm not seeing a nice man at all, quite honestly. I think he is a bully because he likes you being nervous and insecure. It means he can treat you with 'emotional coldness' whilst taking it for granted that you'll still be running around, cleaning his house, making his meals & begging him to show you a bit of love.

No wonder your self-esteem is on the floor.

Why these particular two women? What kind of relationship does he have with them? Does he spend time with them? Talk about them a lot?

Domestically and emotionally, trying to lead by example when the other person is not interested in taking on a fairer split of the chores or giving more to the relationship, is futile.

What cogito said makes sense.

I think if you work on making yourself feel better you will see how he is really treating you. You should nit have to overcompensate by doing everything just so he can validate you. He is taking advantage.

No wonder you are tired if you are doing everything! Your not unlovable but being with somebody who can be cold or un affectionate is going to just make your self esteem lower. You need to put yourself first .

With these women he doesn't do anything that warrants my reaction if I am honest. The first he doesn't speak to much now because of me and the girl from work he doesn't really socialise with apart from the occasional work do. I know it sounds like I am defending him but on this issue it is in my head....it is down to my self esteem and never really understanding what he sees in me.

He has admitted to me that he never thought he would have a family and that he is a bit of a loner. He has loads of friends and is social when he is out but is quite quiet and enjoys his own company. When I am away for work etc he will never say he misses me as he says 'it's only been a couple of days'.

I am an emotionally needy person and have had depression for pretty much the whole time we've been together which does make me a little difficult.

Granted he could do more, a lot more, to help but to me, I would rather feel loved.

god you do sound hard work
have you got medication for your depression?

Yep I am hard work and the fact he has stayed must show something mustn't it.

I was on medication, been phased off of it now in the past few months. Wasn't really ready but the doctor said I should. Also now I'm off it I really don't want to go back on, it is kinda accepting defeat and that I'll always have to be popping pills.

Well, if you are sure he is not instigating that jealousy from you, it is purely your issue with the two girls. The not showing care, and making you feel special is your husband's. You both have to work on how you treat each other a bir. You look after yourself, do less in the house and look your best, make yourself proud of what you see in the mirror.
About your DP, he is failing to see that no everyone around him are like him, he needs to understand that he is not making you feel very loved by keeping all his feelings so distant, and that a .I miss you so much' can mean a lot to the reciever. Work on your selfsteem

Coincidence or more to it that you have had depression the whole time you have been with him. How wearing that must be, to be with someone that drags you down when they are meant to make you feel good about yourself. Most likely your sub-conscious has been yelling at you from behind the scenes that things are not right on the whole but you have tried to ignore it.
Think back to the person you were before you met him, have you always been this way?

Yes I was a bit like it before I met him, but hadn't actually admitted it. A couple of months after meeting him my grandpa died and that spiralled things out of control. Then I miscarried. And then after DS I was diagnosed with PND.

The thing is when I met him I was A LOT slimmer, and we were in that lovely honeymoon period. I felt more confident as I looked so much better about myself for the first time ever (I had lost a load of weight). And to a certain extent I got compliments for others so wasn't so dependent. I was also much more social and we went out having fun. Since DS we firstly can't afford it but also don't have babysitters. So we go out individually....well he does but I am too tired....he is always trying to encourage me to go out and have fun but quite frankly I'd rather just go to bed with my book.

You sound as if you're in a 'rut', MoreYummy (notice the change). If you think the issue with the 'girls' is in your head then I think you should put them to one side for a bit and concentrate on why you feel the way you do about what your husband thinks of you.

The first thing I noticed from your post is that you say you can be a 'bitch' to him and that you give him a hard time. I wonder if you get exasperated because you do so much and that leads you to snap at him, then you feel guilty and make it up to him (in your head). You say he is emotionally cold and distant but he may well be of the view that he is better off keeping quiet rather than saying something that will trigger your annoyance. My husband keeps quiet if I'm angry about something, waits for me to cool down and brings cups of tea. Different people have different coping methods. Apologies if I'm completely barking up the wrong tree here.

You can't change your husband nor these girls because even if you could obliterate them into a million pieces, there will be other girls that he will come into contact with. If he hasn't given you cause for concern that he's cheating then don't punish him 'in advance' because you could push him into that behaviour of which he's being accused.

I think that you sound exhausted and in need of some help. Get your husband to pull his weight with the housework and looking after the children - he should be building up a relationship with them anyway. Use that time to concentrate on you, focus on getting your self-esteem back and if it takes going to the gym and eating properly, taking long walks and having time to listen to music and meet new people then do it. Your husband has encouraged you to do that. Don't take the easy option of going to bed with a book because it's not actually making you feel any better, is it?

Yes he says that he doesn't talk to me because it isn't worth the hassle. The tho is I can see the reasoning but it isn't how I want him to approach this. Sometimes I know he tells me white lies to spare an argument but then I ret worried that he could be lying about other things. It is like the first reply said, it is always worse in your head.

I am utterly shattered and just want him to acknowledge that and just help out occasionally and make me feel important I guess.

I think if you felt better in yourself, OP, you'd find that the angst about girls in the office would go or at least be given proper perspective.

It would irritate me if my partner would always think I'm lying when I don't do that. It would damage our relationship. You need to stop accusing your husband without basis and lashing out at him otherwise he's not going to talk to you. Why would he? Then you may find that your worst fears are realised and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There's no need for that; he sounds decent from what you've posted but desperate to keep the peace. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel and what you want to do about it. Tell him what you need him to do to enable you to do what you want to fix yourself. If you've been in the habit of shouting then you need to apologise for that and stop doing it - leave the room until you've cooled down - but you've got to talk, both of you - and both listen to the other.

He's an equal partner in your household so don't be a martyr, tell him what you need and ask him if he needs you to do something in particular perhaps? For you to feel important, I expect that he needs to feel important also. What steps are you going to take to make the changes you want?

I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you want to change. Men don't read between the lines or take hints. Black and white is what they need.

That said the jealousy is your issue (and I say that as a paid up member), he has done nothing to warrant it. Helping around the house with DC etc would relieve some of the burden from you and give you a bit of down time which I think you need.

Def go out. A compliment from a stranger can do wonders for your self esteem! A night away from DC and chores is a holiday!

If your weight is really playing on your mind, do something about it. Join slimming world or weight watchers. As the pounds drop off so will your anxiety...... I'd wait til after Christmas though

Lying Witch, everything you say is right! However the lying issue is a bit of a bigger issue, for the first few years of our relationship he lied about something pretty major in his life and carried this lie on to family and friends. I understand why he lied and forgave him but In order to keep the peace we have has to continue lying to those around us. Before that I didn't think he was capable for lying over anything bigger than 'I've only had one pint'.....

Did I yes the slimming club has to be done. I lost so much confidence after having DS and dieting is much harder work now! But that and a gym membership and I will do it! X