heartbroken and devastated

[Twinklingstars]

Hi,

Needing some advice.

Am beyond devastated after my husband pelted me with a massive dose of emotional abuse this evening. This is after I have given up so much for him and his family.

I am constantly told that I am mean and threatening. I am constantly told that when I am offended by his mother's constant nit picking at my mothering skills that I am overreacting and she did nothing wrong. When I tell him I do not want our little one to visit his parents house because his father has substance misuse issues, I am told I am trying to break up the family, despite me saying they are always welcome here or we can meet them elsewhere, I just worry that house is not safe and I do not want my LO exposed to a world of substance misuse.

Moreover both my parents are very ill and I am constantly told we cannot live with them temporarily to look after them as 'they'd drive us mad' - I am their only child, I need to help them, they are going through hell right now and if I do not help them it is very likely one of them will end up in a care home, the other is already headed towards a nervous breakdown and severely exhausted anyway. When I am tired from dealing with all this do I get a hug from my husband? Do I get told it will be okay? Do I get told I can go stay there and help them in any way? No, I get told to get on with it and that we can't ever move there because he'd hate it.

He has gradually, after more than a decade together, worn away at my non existent confidence. Never notices when I make an effort with my appearance, never notices when I request us going on a date, just us two, always uses our only day off to make us go off, and so I never get to do any housework, and then he leaves it pretty much all to me to do.

We also have nothing to talk about anymore. His biggest dream in life was to buy a home, that's all. He's achieved it all. Yet my dreams to travel, do a masters in the future etc he scathingly says is me trying to take on too much and I could not cope if I returned to full time work etc.

When I do try to tidy the house, which he does not, he criticises me for it and just dumps his stuff everywhere.

And as for Xmas, well lets just say I have bought and wrapped all the presents, hung up all the decorations, made and written all the cards - ALONE. He does nothing and when I suggest us inviting people over he refuses and says I am making too much work for myself. Not what a wonderful idea, I'll help you.

I am trying so so hard. He pushed me to feeling so low about myself that twice this year I have felt suicidal and attempted to end it all with my life. sad I thought no one would miss me if I went. Luckily I am now receiving help to deal with such feelings.

I was severely sexually abused when a child and this has made me terrified of a man shouting at me. But tonight he just would not stop and told me it's my fault we have nothing in common, and me saying that was me abusing him and I was being mean because all I wanted to do was wrap presents and not spend time with him - maybe if he came and helped me we'd be spending time together. He would not stop until I literally broke down in tears and couldn't even breathe and nearly threw up. He does this so much, I can't deal with being blamed for everything and not once in eleven years have I heard 'I'm sorry' from him.

Also with terms to parenting he refuses to compromise on my way of settling our little one or feeding our little one etc and basically forced me into breastfeeding our little one when they were born - His mum aided this by going on ad nauseum about family friends who had not and how ill their children had been and how fat etc etc - so no wonder I felt I had no choice despite the agony and terrible health problems I suffered because of it.

I feel so hurt, so unloved, so rejected, like he is only with me for the sake of our little one. There is no spark now, no romance, I try to do special things, like a candle lit dinner or buying him little gifts but he does not notice much or reciprocate. sad Recently I fell for a friend, I am of course no longer friends with this friend as we kissed and I could see I was headed down a dangerous path so ended it when it became difficult to remain friends, as I did not want to hurt my husband and was angry I had been so foolish. However I am realising this happened because the other man made me feel safe and showed me care at a time when I was/am most vulnerable, at a time my husband had pushed me away continuously.

I am so heartbroken. I have tried and tried to fix our relationship but now I just want out and to be alone.

What the hell do I do?

He ultimately refuses to do marriage counselling or 'anything that will rock the boar', despite my many requests.

When I suggest that I even stay at my parents for a bit of space/change of scene, he accuses me of threatening him.

I am so scared and do not know what to do. sad

Ah Twinkling, you sound so sad. It's late and all the lovely posters who are going to give you wonderful advice will be with you soon, I'll hold your hand until they get here x

If you need to spend some time at your parents then do so. Take the kids and tell your husband that you need to 1. help them and 2. think about whether you want to continue the marriage.

However it is not unreasonable for him to not want to live with them and long term if your parents need care or to move into a care home then that needs to happen. Maybe if you go to visit for a couple of weeks you can have the space to look into those options as well as your options wrt your marriage.

I'm sorry you're so unhappy. No-one can 'fix' a relationship with someone who is only interested in putting them down. No amount of effort can turn an unkind, selfish man into a decent one. He sounds like a horrible bully who only wants you scared, nervous, eager to please, on the back foot..... and that's not 'love', that's emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. I'm glad you want out. Counselling would be a waste of time.

You're going to need help to achieve separation. Emotionally you need a lot of support because your confidence sounds shot to bits. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Practically you're going to need good legal advice and some family lawyers offer a free initial consultation where you can get quite a lot of information. Knowing where you stand legally will give you strength

Good luck

Hi

I will get flamed for this but I wanted to try adding a different perspective.

You are overworked and do a lot of stuff all on your own. You OH says that if you want to study etc you'll be taking too much on. That if you have friends round it's more work for you. Perhaps in this current situation he is right.

You want a date night to spend more time together. Yet you are complaining on your only day off you both go out for the day instead of you being able to clean all day.

Yes he should be more supportive of your parents needs. I don't know that situation obviously, but realistically, perhaps he can see that living with them would not work.

Do you ask him to help with things such as wrapping presents? Or do you just expect him to know you want help? Or, really, do you like doing them yourself? If you don't - you need to be more assertive. It seems to me your confidence is lacking - making yourself easy to boss around, and easy to offend. Ignore your MIL. Be confident in your parenting. Don't be bullied into anything. Perhaps you are overreacting to criticism because your esteem is low and you are sensitive to criticism because of this. Ask for help around the house. Don't be a martyr.

Have you been diagnosed with depression?

Yes, your OH should not be shouting at you to he extent he has. He should apologise. To me it sounds like he is just as frustrated with the situation as you are.

I suppose the question to ask is: do you still love him? Does he love you? Can you see anyway to salvage this relationship? Do you want to?

Kandypane I think you've spectacularly missed the point.

I agree with kandypane

ive ad to delete most of what i wrote. Its too raw still.

go stay with your parents. take your lo. stop argueing with your dp.

Kandypane that might be all well and good were it not for the fact that his behaviour is that of a nasty abusive bastard, for which there is no excuse. You are blaming the victim for the abuse.

So it's the OP's fault that she is treated with contempt and disrespected by her H and MIL because she is not assertive enough???????

OP, your dh has made it clear that he will always side with his dm, he has made it clear that he will never be willing to accept any responsibility for the state of your relationship, and he has made it clear that he doesn't respect you.

I don't believe there is anything you can do to improbe a relationship like this. Get legal advice about the practicalities of a separation, even if you are not actually ready to make such a decision yet, knowledge is power.

I'm not saying it's the OPs fault at all. I'm wondering if she is depressed. Depression can cloud your judgement and make you unable to express your wishes.

We are only hearing one side here. The OP may be seeing things worse than that actually are if she is depressed.

The MIL may only be trying to help for all we know.

I am trying to offer proactive advice. The OPs OH has has shouted and doesn't help out enough around the house. Common enough complaints. It sounds awful for OP from her POV, but it also seems as if her OH can do no right. It's easy to just shout the usual LTB. I just feel OP is so low that she may be seeing the worst rather than reality.

I just don't think we have enough specific details to judge in this case. I don't want OP to throw her relationship away if it is salvageable.

Your dh has behaved terribly by shouting at you especially considering your abusive history. He should know better and there is no excuse. However you both sound really at the end of your tethers and depressed.

You cannot expect your dh to live with your parents, even if they are ill and you are the only child. Same situation here - I am the only child, my mum is alone (divorced dad when I was 12) and has health issues, both mental and physical. She has never really accepted my dh and so despite living with my mum for 32 years she now lives alone because I realise I need to put my dc and my dh first. I can support my mum to an extent but living together would be unfair to my primary family - which is now my dh and dc.

Having cared for my gran through terminal cancer as an older teenager without commitments I do wonder with hindsight if a care home would have been better anyway. They are not awful places and really do know their stuff - you just have to vet them carefully and find a good one.

I think you and your dh need a break from each other and time to reassess where you can go from there..

I don't want OP to throw her relationship away if it is salvageable.

It is not salvageable if only she wants to salvage it. Her post makes it clear that her OH is not the slightest bit interested in addressing the problems.

"Common enough complaints... "

Just because something is common, doesn't make the behaviour even slightly acceptable. There are a depressingly large number of selfish, entitled, bullying and abusive men out there. All with partners run ragged trying to keep them happy because some idiot says 'it's quite common' or 'you have to try harder'. It's plain wrong...

OP, my friend did a fantastic course through Womens Aid, called Freedom, which has changed her outlook on life and she is now able to stand up for herself and state what she wants.

You mention OM, but you have done the right thing and ended the friendship. You need to decide whether or not you want to be in your marriage and you can't do that with OM in the background.

If your parents need help, then go and stay with them, with your DC and take some time to think about what you want. You are not leaving your husband, you are helping your parents.

I agree that moving in with your parents does not sound like a practical solution, primarily because it wouldn't be fair on your dc. That is a separate issue though really.

Your h sounds like a nasty, aggressive, emotionally abusive bully. I don think you should continue to live with him and should see a solicitor and make plans to leave. Without him around you will probably find you have less to do and are less stressed and much happier.

Fwiw, I'm a single parent and doing a masters. And working. It's tough but totally doable if you want it enough

If you want to visit and stay with your parents, go with your DC and do so. It must be distressing knowing they're ill and being discouraged from spending time with them. This is not demanding anything unreasonable, you're the mother and I assume H knows his PILs' address, you don't have to ask his permission. He seems content to let his own mother have plenty of input in your affairs.

In addition you can tell H you are taking time out to think. If you have been dejected this year it can't come as a surprise to him that you require space. Are you taking medication, are you in regular touch with your GP? I hope you keep him/her appraised of any shift in mood or trouble sleeping beyond the disturbed night your LO probably causes.

When you are away look into what you could do to start afresh minus H. If you feel you are at a crossroads in life you need to know what options are available. You will have realised married life changes when DCs come along but from what you describe in it's more than the first flush of romance wearing off. He calls you mean and threatening so has some opinions yet won't consider any couples therapy. What good is providing a roof over one's head if the adults inside are making each other miserable? That's not a home.

I am glad you quickly recognised the danger of that OM and stopped yourself making a bad mistake.

Fair play. Just giving my opinion.

OP - you have a little one, a mother-in-law who is trying to be involved, a house to keep on top of with no help from OH, and parents to worry about. You also sound like you have depression. Things can get on top of you very quickly in this situation, and it's no wonder you are struggling to cope.

At the moment there aren't enough details here for me to judge whether this is abuse. I don't know what he shouted at you or why he started shouting. I don't know specifically what he does or says if and when you ask him for help. Do you ask him to help? Have you talked about how you could share chores and what specifically he could do to help? Does he understand how stressed you are? Is he stressed himself? Does he work long hours? Perhaps he feels pulled between you and MIL? Is he hurt that you accuse him of abuse? Honestly, does your MIL mean to cause offence? What exactly does she say? Realistically could you move in with your parents? Is there anything at all good you can say about your OH?

I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't believe what you say - it's not that. I am just worried that because you sound so down you might be overly sensitive to criticism. He seems to want to spend time with you if you are going on days out together and he is moaning about not spending time with you. He has also mentioned when he is worried you're taking on too much (although this could be trying to control you if he is an abuser).

I don't know many people who have a perfect relationship where no-one ever shouts. In my experience, it is quite normal for people to fall out and shout at each other sometimes. This is quite separate from emotional abuse, which obviously has no excuse. What I can't 100% work out is if this is actually abuse, or just your OH venting. Perhaps he is just as fed up as you.

There are many clear cut cases on here, where I would agree with LTB. But I don't feel this isn't one of them yet. If I was convinced he was an abuser of course I would join the chorus.

However, OP, you are the only one to know the ins and outs of your relationship. You clearly aren't happy. You have decided he is an abuser. You have said you 'want out'. If you've made that decision then the advice you now need is from people who can give you practical ideas on how to get out. I can't help here, so I'll leave it at that and wish you the best of luck xxx

Go to your parents after Christmas, before if you can get away with the DC.

You don't need his permission, he does not need to come if he feels its unbearable. but you need to be with your parents for a while , if only to organised some back up support & care for them, you can't do it all on your own.

I know its easy for me to say but you deserve better than this!

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for all your extremely valued help and advice. I am going to go stay away soon, in new year, to have some time to look after parents and have some space to emotionally rebuild and look after my parents.

I am suffering from depression, however I am having therapy, have taken tablets and started writing to help me express my emotions and try to cope with things better. However, I do think that much of this has been caused by my husband, his family and a lack of understanding, on their part, of the many demands and stresses I face. As well as a lack of positive feedback when I do try and make an effort for them, or them claiming that what I get upset about is 'nothing to be upset about' and to pull myself together.

Basically he is angry we don't spend enough time together. He is angry that I am trying to tidy the house. He is tired as he works very long hours and is ill with a newly diagnosed neurological condition, this has changed his mood a lot and made him v snappy with me. I have tried to help him and be understanding and have tried to encourage him to take his medicines and be healthy but then I get accused of being a nag. Moreover we have nothing in common, when I said this he said I was being 'cruel', but it is true, sadly.

Whenever I ask him for help round the house he snaps and says 'okay I'll do it later' and forgets. I have to ask him ten times before he will do something, then he accuses me of telling him he does nothing - but I always thank him when he does help. We have discussed how we could share chores but he says we can just keep things as they are as the 'system is working well', but the state of our home testifies different to that. He knows how stressed I am. He is also stressed. He has got a long term neurological condition that has changed his life and he is angry about that, and who is he most likely to express that to? Me I guess, as I am there. Also he has tough times at work. But when I offer to talk about it with him and offer support he goes silent. I do not know if MIL means to cause offence, but she is very upsetting and he never backs me up, and hasn't, not once. She does things very subtly. I am rather large right now, and she constantly goes on about diets and losing weight and how slim x,y,z are after having their babies. She then goes on about how cluttered our house is and interrupts any conversations my husband and I have in front of her. In terms of my parents illness she concludes that they 'are going to be okay though' all the time, this is not helpful when my father has a degenerative condition that is getting worse. She never asks how they are, ever. I don't think it's done intentionally but my gosh is it done, I don't think she has any sense of 'diplomacy'/tact.

I have said to him that he is being emotionally abusive, he retorted I am too, there is truth in that - our relationship is very toxic now. He is very much on the defensive. Unsurprisingly.

With regard to my parents I accept that it would be v challenging for us all to go and live there. As a compromise I will go stay over more with DC to stay a few times a week when DH works late.

What I can say about him is that before all this horribleness was created we were best friends. He has it in him to make me laugh a lot. We used to have so much fun together. We still do on happy days when we take LO to park and for little outings. It is like a rollercoaster right now.

I do have an inner critical voice but maybe he has helped to develop that. When I say I am upset about something he always says I do not need to be upset. But sometimes there are v valid reasons, he never hears me out and often gives me the silent treatment when I try to calmly explain what has upset me.

Often on our days out his MIL tags along, we have very little, if any time, to be a 'three', this causes many arguments.

I don't mind him shouting, I am no angel, sometimes I shout too. However last night he was very relentless and said 'You're nasty, you always criticise me, you threaten me, don't you dare threaten me, you're so horrible to me' and similar and would not stop until I just broke down - this tirade went on for about ten minutes, it felt he was just trying to kick me when I'm down, particularly as he knows how down I am and how threatened I feel right now.

We're both fed up, that's for sure. Thank goodness for our LO - our little ray of sunshine.

I want to get through this, I want us all to get through this. :(

Thanks everyone for your advice, I am still unsure what to do but things seem clearer now.

Not to add to your woes but LO will pick up on the strain and tensions within the home as s/he grows up.

Does MIL help out round the house or just lurk, critically? She may be itching to step in and take over which you'd want to avoid or she might offer practical help. The "system" your H refers to isn't wo rking, is it clutter or hygiene that's the issue? Could family finances run to a cleaner coming in once or twice a week?

Is there a local support group for individuals and their families with DH's condition?

He doesn't want to rock the boat by looking outside for help but the boat will resemble the Titanic as time draws on.