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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do I contact ex-MIL?

22 replies

catkin14 · 13/12/2013 22:37

I left my exh early this year, he was arrogant and manipulative and it took me many years to pluck up courage to do so. I had been married many years.

He is an only child of elderly parents and the apple of his mothers eye.

I have not spoken to her since I left, i felt guilty enough without her making it worse.
I have discovered she has been unwell recently, and on top of this has had no contact with DC's since I left.
Exh never takes them to see her, although elder 2 DC's could get there on their own if they wanted to.
None of us had a very happy relationship with her, she was rude and unkind.
But she has lost her only family (although exh now has new partner) and I am wondering should I send her a note? If so what would I say??
I do feel very sorry for her but Im not sure quite what to do, if anything.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Twoandtwomakeschaos · 13/12/2013 23:10

If she had nothing to do with the breakdown of your marriage, and if you can form a new relationship outside of you ExDH, I don't see why it could be seen as anything other than courteous, especially in the circumstances you describe,

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 07:46

I wouldn't send a note. She sounds as unpleasant as he is, presumably takes his side over yours and, if she wanted to have a relationship with the grandchildren, there's nothing standing in her way. She made this particular bed and it's her responsibility to lie in it.... not yours to remake it.

SanityClause · 14/12/2013 07:54

It's a pity for your MIL that she doesn't have a good relationship with her DGC. It's a pity for your DC, as well.

But, if she wants a lovely relationship with them, she needs to get one, and not expect other people to do all the running.

Could she get contact details from your EXH, if she wanted to? If so, why doesn't she?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2013 07:56

She was rude and unkind while you were married, and she has not shown interest in your kids? What makes you think she even wants to hear from you?

Jaynebxl · 14/12/2013 08:03

However rude and unkind she was I would send a get well card and get my dc to sign it too just so I knew I wasn't being the one who stopped all contact between her and her gc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2013 08:04

I think you need to further examine your own reasons why you have thought about doing this at all. Guilt, feeling sorry for her and or societal convention are not good enough reasons to potentially restart contact.

If none of your family unit now had any sort of happy relationship with her it is no point at all in potentially re-opening old wounds. It is telling to me as well that your two elder DCs do not freely visit her either and seemingly too have not expressed any desire to see her. Such people like his mother do not change. Do not send any sort of note.

summermovedon · 14/12/2013 08:27

I wouldn't. She will undoubtably be on your ex's 'side' as MILs invariably are after a relationship breakdown, even if he is preventing her seeing his children. I think if you don't have a relationship with her, now is not the time to create one and you will just be disappointed.

EQ2Junkie · 14/12/2013 08:27

Stay away.

The woman is rude and unkind. You have said she will just make you feel worse about leaving a nasty man (looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree). Plus she hasn't shown the slightest interest since you left her son.

Neither you nor your DC would gain from this.

WinterisComingVSoon · 14/12/2013 08:34

I would keep it to Christmas card with a photo only, you sound really nice but she doesnt, keep protecting yourself.

Meerka · 14/12/2013 09:17

Absolutely not.

Your ex could take them but doesn't. It is for him to take them, not you. For you it is dangerous because it will smack of the past, which you have left behind, and could open the doorway to further manipulation by your ex.

On top of that, she has been unkind to you and yes, shown no inclination to contact her GC. Your children show no signs of wanting to see her.

Are you sure this isnt misplaced guilt?

It's very nice that you have this compassoin, but I would save it for lonely old people in your neighbourood even if they don't happen to be the kids' grandparents.

This relationship is not one you should go near. It is your ex's place to ensure contact, not yours.

EATmum · 14/12/2013 09:45

I think sending a note, or a Christmas card, would be kind. Maybe she has been too awkward to make contact till now. Presumably you had a relationship before as MiL/DiL, so I think it would be kind to open a doorway for contact between your children and exMiL.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 09:50

The MIL/DIL relationship was 'rude and unkind'.

Original poster
catkin14 · 14/12/2013 20:30

Thanks for all replies.
I can only imagine I will get an interrogation from her as she will want to know why I left him etc, hence my hesitation in doing anything.

I just dont understand why exh doesnt take his DCs to see her, unless she has said she doesnt want to see them.

The other downside is that I may bump into exh if I visit, and i really dont want that to happen, still scared of him!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 14/12/2013 20:38

Could you use Christmas to send a card and put in it that while you have stopped being her daughter in law, you are mindful she's not stopped being grandmother to your children, and if she would like to arrange to see them independently of their access time with their father, you'd be happy for that to happen, that you hope she has a good 2014. Make sure your phone number and address is in the card and leave the ball in her court.

Your DCs might be able to go by themselves to see her, but they might feel they have to be invited, she might feel she has to wait for someone else to insitigate it (either your EXH or the DCs), and so noone is making a move.

Original poster
catkin14 · 14/12/2013 21:03

Older Dcs have total choice whether they go to to see her, but neither of them like her as she was not nice to them either, and they saw how nasty she was to me and that made it worse for them.

Perhaps I will talk to them about it and see if they will go. I think it has all been made worse because exh refuses to speak to me any more as he feels I have taken all his money in the divorce settlement (I havnt, it was less than 50%) and I know she will think the same also..

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/12/2013 22:07

Oh god, keep away from her! Everything you've said shows her to be mean and unkind. Your children don't want to be in touch with them, but she is doing nothing to try to encourage a relationship, is she?

See it as a perk of the divorce!

Inertia · 14/12/2013 22:15

If she's mean to you and the children then leave your ex to deal with her.

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 14/12/2013 22:19

I missed the rude and unkind bit. Blush. With that, and your further posts, I'd leave it. Sounds like it might be rather a can of worms. Ultimately, her relationship with the DCs is between them.

Meerka · 15/12/2013 09:11

catkin im sorry but I think you have to respect your children's feelings here. If they don't want to go - they don't want to go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 09:17

"Older Dcs have total choice whether they go to to see her, but neither of them like her as she was not nice to them either, and they saw how nasty she was to me and that made it worse for them

Perhaps I will talk to them about it and see if they will go"

Why?. Examine more your own reasons: I have stated before that societal convention, guilt and feeling sorry for such a person are NO good reasons. You probably are reasonable and wish still to be seen as same but the normal rules do not apply here when it comes to dysfunctional families like his mother's. Why should your children actually go and see a lady who was also unkind to them as well when you were unfortunate enough to be married to her son?. The apple here did not fall far from the tree did it when it came to your ex and his mother.

I think you have a bad case of misplaced guilt and obligation.

justtoomessy · 15/12/2013 09:17

I's day don't bother but thats because I have yet again attempted to contact mine for he sake of DS (none of them have seen him since ex decided he never wanted to see him again) and to have her husband call me and ask why I was trying to get into contact!

If they are rude and selfish they will always be rude and selfish however, I know that I have tried for DS to have a relationship and they are the ones refusing. So from that point of view I feel better if that makes sense.

Hissy · 15/12/2013 09:23

Life is Way, way way too short to allow mean and unkind people in any part of it!

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