problem this evening with Ex

[SlightlyAnxious]

Have namechanged for this. My Ex and I have been separated for three years and the divorce is very shortly to be finalised. We have two DSs, 10 and 7.

Background: he has the DCs most weekends, he collects them on a Friday evening and returns them on Sunday evening. He lives an hour away.

My younger DS has been poorly - he was admitted to hospital in October and spent a week there. He's more or less recovered by now but has had very poor immunity since then and has missed school a few times including this week when he has missed 3 days with a really bad cough.

I didn't want my DS2 to go to Ex's because I knew he would take him swimming. I can explain to him until I'm blue in the face that he's missed 2 days / 3 days / 4 days / a week off school being poorly, and he will STILL take him swimming on the Saturday morning. Even if he promises me that he won't and assures me that they'll have a quiet weekend. What then often happens is that he comes back poorly again even if he's been more or less better when he went.

DS of his own accord told his dad on the phone last night that he didn't want to go this weekend because he wanted to stay at home.

Anyway Ex arrived and started being very verbally abusive to me at the door when he came to collect DS1 because he wanted to take DS2 as well. I asked him to get out of the house so that I could shut the door as I wasn't going to be shouted and abused in my own home in front of my sons. I said I'd bring DS1 out to him. He then raised his arm as if to hit me, and I said 'You raised your arm to hit me. Get out or I'll call the police. ' Phone is in hall which I picked up. He did get out and shut the door.

So, I'm not sure what to do now. Whilst he's a prat, he's never threatened violence before. However, I feel I shouldn't let it pass. Do you think I should phone or email the local police and ask them to put it on file in case he tries anything like that again?

Advice would be really appreciated, as whilst I've had problems with him before, I've normally been able to handle them. This has unsettled me a bit, and I'm not sure what to do. Thanks ...

Report to 101 definitely. Have the record of the event because worst case it's good to have and best case you won't need it. So sorry you had to go through it in front of your boys

Thanks so much nefelibata. I just called 101, having got DS2 to bed. Woman was really nice ... took all the details and said that a police officer will call me back tomorrow and discuss whether to put on file, or take further, and give me general advice etc. Think I did the right thing. x

At this it is just useful to have it on file in case he ever does hit you, that way you have documented evidence of him having raised his hand in anger to you before.

I very much doubt the police will do anything at this stage above having a word with him. Only you can judge if that will make him worse or, as with most people, give him a fright so he wont do it again. Given that he has never done anything like this before, hopefully he will back right off.

Is there already a court order regarding contact? Because your XP sounds like a selfish bully who might need putting in his place legally - he is prepared to risk your DS2's health by taking him swimming when he's unwell (is this because XP wants DC to be successful at sport as they grow up, or from a 'don't indulge children, being bullied discipline is good for them' viewpoint, or just that XP himself loves swimming and isn't prepared to miss his weekly dip?) and because he has been aggressive to you, it sounds like his behaviour could be getting to the stage of being harmful to DC in general.

Police called back today. They said either an officer will come out to me or I can go to a police station. I opted for police station.

SGB there isn't a court order yet, but divorce is due to be finalised very shortly. The access arrangements on there say something like ' The children usually spend the weekend at Ex's house'.

I think his reasons for taking him swimming basically stem from being completely misogynistic - because I say it's best not to take them swimming, he automatically and subconsciously disagrees. He will assure me to my face that he won't take him swimming, and they'll just have a chilling out, relaxing weekend at home, then when he brings them back on Sunday night, I find out he did actually take him swimming.

Also, he is a Disney dad and lives in a bubble. He lives with his parents, doesn't pay any rent or bills, or contribute towards food. He doesn't do any cooking or cleaning. So all his salary (about £1300 pm net) can go on clothes, CDs, bits and bobs for the kids etc - it's all expendable income. I think because he NEVER has to take any time off work to sort kids when they're poorly, especially DC2, he doesn't regard it as being an issue.

Normally I cave in, but on Friday I stood my ground and when he started trying to pressurise DS2 to go as well, I intervened and said I didn't want him to go.

I agree with what you say about his behaviour being harmful to the DC in general. He has form for shouting at me at pick ups / drop offs, and he seems to take pleasure in doing it in front of them. It's as if he wants them to see him 'putting me in my place'. I really think he hates women. I had banned him from coming in my house, but his aggression on Friday was conducted from the doorstep.

Not sure whether to tell him I've involved the police. I think on the whole I will and I'll also tell DCs in order to explain to them that violence or threatening violence against another person / woman is not only an unacceptable way to behave, but it's actually a criminal offence and get you into a lot of trouble.

OK, make sure everything's logged so that when the divorce is finalised you can get a set up that shows this man he's not the one in charge. And a very good idea to keep reminding the DC that their father's behaviour is unacceptable and that he's silly and childish - thoughfor their sake try to keep them aware of his good points, if he has any. I am all in favour of undermining bullies - it's the least they deserve.

Agree SGB. Police officer came today and officially logged incident. He got all the background, and was wavering between putting it down as low-risk or high risk, but in the end went with low risk, which I more-or-less agree with. He did advise me to send Ex an email, letting him know the incident had been logged with the police, and that the police say that a) he is obviously not to threaten violence, b) he is not to be verbally abusive or anything else to me in front of the children and c) he is to adhere to my instructions regarding not taking DS2 swimming if he's been poorly, so as to avoid this 'contact' issue arising again.

Policeman also said that if I ended up having to call them once or twice more, they would end up being obliged to contact Social Services who would read him the riot act for not acting in their best interests, and he would be at risk of losing contact. He said not to put that in the email though.

Thanks for your support folks, I hope that him knowing I went to the police stops his prattish behaviour for once and for all.