Insignificant

[sadmotto]

I am not proud of this but I have nowhere else to say it. It is my confession. I did not dare risk just a name change for this post, I created a new profile. I spent an hour checking my posts to see that this could not even be guessed by the way I wrote.

You do so much for me and our family. Every day you do something that I am thankful for. You are the mast of the ship. You have propped me up and you have had confidence in me. I know that I am lucky to have someone like you. I still smile and blush at the thought of you after all the years together. I am proud of you and of us and everything.

After all these years, there is someone else. I am not sorry but I have tried to be. I am grateful to you and will be everything you expect me to be. I love you. I really love you. I treasure everything we have. You are amazing.

Someone else said they liked me. I ignored them. They told me their feelings. I told them to stop. I kept a distance and so did they. But they do the only thing you stopped doing years ago. They make me feel like the person I am is worth knowing. They see the side of me that you ignore. Not because you are not a good person but because you just stopped seeing me that way. I tried for years to fire that interest again but you just stopped seeing it. You are busy, you work hard, your leisure time is important to you. You do everything for us and you have the right to be yourself with your own time. You hardly ever stay out late and you do not gamble or fight. If you want to go away to your own little world and play your games or be on the internet I understand.

I know am so so so selfish and greedy to want to be made to feel good. But to be told again and again that I am beautiful and that the little things I do are extraordinary was more than I could resist after so long of being a practical part of your life. There is no sex between the other and me. This will run its course and nobody will ever find out. And you will never know.

I am having my cake and eating it. I am a bad person. I will be turned into a pariah on this thread and I deserve it. But I will have a good marriage to someone I still love like a silly teenager but who no longer looks at me in "that" way. I will have for a short time someone who makes me feel like a person who is worth loving as well.

I think you need to talk to your other half before what your doing kills what you have and it will likely only be then that you realise just how much you needed your mast.

Tell him your lonely tell him your felling lost and give him the chance to make you feel the way you need to.

Turning to some one new is exciting and the thrill is intense and perhaps this is meant to be and you will live happerly ever after but, the chances are you won't and its even more likely that you will get sick and the cake will go stale.

Your not wrong to love some one new. not wrong to give up on something old. You are wrong to hide what you need. Talk to the mast. If you both decided that your better off as friends its time to move on as friends rather than waiting for the hurt and betrayal to set in.

I don't think it would work.
The Mast just doesn't work that way. I am treated well enough apart from this silly need to be wanted. We have DCs to consider, and home life must look normal. I will snap out of this at some point or The Other will lose interest. But needs, thanks for not being judgemental. I appreciate it, it is hard to face the fact that you love someone who you should not love. Because that is what we are told, that you can only love one person at a time.

It will all blow over. I have already made it so that I can live with myself even though my behaviour is terrible.

Don't feel too bad about it. I'm happily married (although sex has never been much good), but still, she loves me and I love her and we've got on really well for years but I sometimes think I'd like another woman to become fond of me and care about me and give me lots of attention, more than I get and far more physical attention than I have ever got. It's wrong of me but I just can't help it. If it's confession time that's the way it is for me.
You've met someone but I haven't and not likely to. But if I did I'd love to get her affection and be desired as I've often craved, and to be helped to feel good about myself as a man, just like you said. But nothing will happen, so just sharing very private thoughts with you.