No big thing

[cristalfrog]

n/c'd as I don't usually post in relationships and sure DH knows my nn.

There's no 'big thing' wrong in my marriage but I am just so unhappy with DH. He's a quiet homebody with few friends and no close family and likes it that way. He is a workaholic and loves his job but isn't ambitious, wants to do well at what he's doing but not climb the ladder or branch out on his own. He keeps himself to himself and will talk about news stories or films but doesn't engage and chat about his day or anything. I try but find I get a better response from the dog most of the time.

He's not very self confident and his overall demeanor can be quite negative and grumpy. He's quite passive, happy for life to pass him by. He seems to be getting worse with age (he's 47) and his friendships have slipped away over the years as he's not bothered to maintain them.

I have been the optimistic, organiser, go getter our whole relationship and I am now worn out & my enthusiasm is gone. I'm finally out of the little kids zone and back at work and realise how lonely and quiet life has become. I feel lonely and a bit neglected and my love and affection for him feels like a dim memory.

I fee like I want to rebel against him, I want to live my life, I want a life surrounded with friends and family and noise and laughter, I want my DC's to be positive and ambitious people. The thought of growing old with him in his quiet grumpy way fills me with dread.

Am I being unfair and unrealistic to think about leaving when we have DC's?

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider leaving him but I think it's reasonable that you would consider alternatives first.

Have you had counselling ? Have you spoken to him about how you feel ?

He had a few sessions of personal therapy last year but it just seemed to make him more introspective. We did a few sessions with Relate, I felt 'heard' but nothing much changed.

Hmmm...well my first reaction on reading your Op was 'Who is he?'

Because it sounds the sort of OP you might read from someone who's met someone new at work and is idly wondering whether the grass is greener.

Probably also because it reads like you've gone straight to 'GO' without considering any steps before you get to that point.

x posted

I think I've tried really hard to bring him out of himself the whole time we've been together but he's just become quieter since we had DC's and since his DM died (4 years ago). DH knows how I feel about him being quiet and negative - but not that I would seriously consider going, not that I think I don't really love him anymore.

I feel like I've been single handedly keeping the show on the road for the past few years. It is exhausting.

Work is full of bright young things moving in together and planning weddings and so hopeful and optimistic for the future - makes me realise I don't feel full of any of that hope or optimism as I look forward at my life with DH.

Yes but is there anyone in particular you've got a crush on? If there is- or it's a bit more than that, posters can target their advice better because it would be highly relevant to how you're currently feeling.

You remind me of my parents. My DF never has been and never will be a party animal whereas my DM is a lively sociable sort. They are basically incompatible but that hasn't stopped her moaning about his quiet personality for the last 50+ years... I look at them now - old, crabby and waiting for death - and I think thanks for the DNA but why in the hell did you persist in being together when you've done nothing but irritate the crap out of each other?!?

If you've never been particularly close and you've just drifted apart I think you should have a really honest conversation about the future. If it's going to be that you go separate ways, no point hanging around.

Is it really that serious that you want to leave him.

I always said that I lost my wife in favour of the mother of our children when we had little ones. Now they are much more independant (14 & 9yrs old) I'm beginning to get my wife back.

I'm pretty laid back, I'm not a workaholic but I have no interest in climbing the career ladder anymore. I just come into work, do my job and come home.
We talk, we text, I've just come off a 30min phone call with her while I'm at work (I will be home in 3hrs)

Was he like this before children? Maybe it's a matter of showing him that you are becomeing his wife again, maybe he needs his eyes opening.

You said its no biggie, so surley you can sort something out between you. Do you honestly think you would be better off without him?

Listen, if you really feel it's come to that you need to talk. You will only feel worse and worse. An if after talking you still feel like that then take action because nothing will change unless you make a change.

It will be very sad if you do decide you want to leave, I hope you can sort things out but if you don't then good luck, be positive, make that change!

"Work is full of bright young things moving in together and planning weddings and so hopeful and optimistic for the future - makes me realise I don't feel full of any of that hope or optimism as I look forward at my life with DH."

Blimey, your lucky. We never see any weddings or christenings now days. The only thing we get invited to is funerals.

My DM didn't have a crush on anyone when she moved out after 40 years married to my DF. He sounds like your DF. I am sure mine has Asperger's, I am currently being assessed myself at ripe old age of 60.

I knew she wasn't happy in her relationship, all through my teens. She says all she wanted was to be sociable, and have friends round. 20 years after moving out (I was in late 30s), she has has 20 years of living as she wanted, and has remained friends with DF.

People often suggest AS on threads like these, in this case the similarity struck me as matching my own experience, as seen from a DD's pov.

sounds like your DH*

I am just frustrated, lonely, bored, feeling neglected, stifled, stuck and resentful. I feel like a lone parent most of the time and wonder if I'd be better off just being one without DH's negativity. He feels like another person to jolly along, care for etc.

I've tried so hard. I really thought love and compassion would win through but he remains in his world and life is so quiet once the DC's are in bed. Lately I've been in tears most evenings when after eating he's just vanished off to get back to his work. When I do talk to him so little of it seems to go in, he forgets most of what I say making me feel irrelevant even when it is stuff about the DC's I think is important.

I have my own social life and am used to going to social events alone as he doesn't want to come but it's sad and increasing the distance between us.

I couldn't live like that, OP. It's depressing just reading about him; if I knew he was in my house my spirits would sink.

I can't see how your children are not affected by him. I picture you all with your shoulders slumped, feeling low but without knowing why.

There is another life out there, you know. There are alternative ways of living. You can be happy - it is allowed.

Yes I agree. Some people are like you, others are not. I think birds of a feather and all that x have you thought about splitting from him?

Reading your post it seems that you have had some long years trying to make him more like you and trying to get some energy out of him. But you can't change him.

I think people like you may often be attracted to each other at first, you like his quietness and he likes your energy, but, with time, it just gets tiring for both, I suspect. He wants some quiet and you want activity.

I think here is mostly a case of changing your attitude because he won't change. So, you should accept how he is or move on really.

cristalfog
I really feel for you, I have been there too. I was lonely with my ex H, didnt feel loved, heard, considered..
I divorced him in the end, after 2 years separation where no effort was made on his part, we went to relate etc, but i think over the years we grew further apart. He wasnt going to change, and why should he? that was him and still is, he is still quite, cant get word out of him, frustrating. We are flexible with each other with ds, but when we do handovers although i feel sad, I also think that i could not have lived the rest of my life with someone with no ambition/personality... I really did love him though and wanted it to work...but it was destroying me!

I think you just need to accept how he is. You can't change him to be someone else. Try to see his good qualities, the ones that attracted you to him in the first place. Do you have date nights? That might be an idea. Just to reconnect again and appreciate each other for the individuals you are.

My OH is just the same. I've accepted it, and in many other ways he is lovely. I do my socialising then get to come home for a bit of peace.

Is he Aspie?