Why am I the one left feeling bad..?

[shhhh]

I posted 1-2 weeks ago about issues I was having with my il's. I can't live like this.

Now dd's was christened on Sunday and the did decide to turn up. I was as nervous as hell and very stressed (as many people have since pointed out) but I did my best to keep a smile on my face. It was me who acknowledged my il's at the church and asked how the meal was at the reception afterwards..basically just trying to be the bigger person. My il's never started a conversation with me and basically didn't have a word to say to me all day. Nothing was mentioned about the recent argument or about the fact that I'm 12 weeks pregnant..both quite shicking as they have been major events in my life over the last 9 weeks.

So sunday had no arguments or any issues BUT it was clear for all to see how strained and fake it all was really. I have since found out from dh that his parents "didn't ask to come to the christening" but said to him udring the "make up conversation" last week that they felt they would stay away so as not to cause a scene etc. I told dh that this is emotional blackmail as he replied obviously how they wanted him to.." Well I would prefer it if you came as it would be nice for the family to be there". This has annoyed me as that wouldn't have been the reply I would have given. Anyway they came.

Now I need advice.......dh is going back to the routine of taking dd to visit his parents, something we did every week for a year before the fall out, dh said during our issues that if things were resolved there was no way he was having his weekend taken up by weekly visit etc again. He was tired of them being in control iykwim.
Well he wants to take dd to see them this weekend. I'm not happy with this but I can't stop HIM...But I really don't want dd going. I feel that if my pil's can't be cival and accept me and even apologise for the thgins they have done wrong then I don't feel they should see US as a family.

DH agrees they are wrong and an embarassment BUT won't tell them as he doesn't want to continue this issue. Personally I am now starting to wonder if her did actually say to them what he told me he said. I wonder if he knows no aplogy will be made but is "brushing it under the carpet".
DH says for me to leave it a few weeks or months and maybe I will change my mind...thing is I could leave it years..I still won't change my opinion. I have told dh this but he turns it on me saying I'm being wrong and I need to move on.!! He says he's tired of discussing it.

IMO, im the one who has been called and verbally abused, not received an apology YET I am the one who is supposed to allow them to see dh and dd without any issues...I know it's no game but I see it as them winning. They don't give feck if they never see me (made that plain) but want to see dh and dd. So I'm the one who looses as dh is more keen on keeping them sweet than me...He keeps saying "they are my parents ffs...I have never argued with them in 30 years".

So this weekend what do I do...?? Allow him to go without a word and smile..and cry once they have gone..?

Or should I make my feeling known. Obviously running the rosk that dh will go anyway.

I can't help but feel pil will be smiling swwetly once dh turns up minus me...

Shhhh

As a child who was taken to see gp's with only my dad going as they didn't like my mum i wouldn't allow my dd to go.Not sure how old she is but i knew without anything being actually said by gp's that they had no respect for my mum.

I felt like piggy in the middle as i felt i couldn't tell my mum and hurt her feelings.My gp's would make comments and say sneaky things about my mum and my dad never stuck up for her and .

My dp is not allowed to take my kids to his parents as they don't phone/visit/come and see kids at xmas/birthdays but thats a different thing i think.

If you feel you can trust your dh to not allow your pil's to talk about you to dd or in front of dd then it might be ok but remember kids,even very young ones pick up on situations.

God what a ramble abd prob no use to you at all lol.Good luck with whatever you decide,but imo you would be within your rights to keep dd at home until they see sense and apologise,and dh should imo be backing you up.

what is it with men and their mothers ? my dp is the same.
personally i would not allow them to see your dd ,i mean she is part of you and if they cant accept you then why bother?You obviously aren't the one with the problem so let them be childish and pathetic if they want to but they are spoiling their relationship with their grandchild not you .At the end of the day you are pregnant and you do not need the stress and your dh should respect that.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do ,i know how manipulative inlaws can be ,it is the subject of many of our arguements.

see thing is I don't see why dh should go alone with dd. To me it seems as though he's willing to accept that his parents don't like/accept me and you know what..that really hurts.

I don't care if they want to carry on like this towards me but dh going without me is as though he's condoning their behaviour.
As agalch said about dd seeing them without me, dh was in a similar position with his nan as she didn't get on with dh's mum so she didn't go along to visits. Also fil fell out with his mum so hasn't spoken to her for over 5 years. Dh did visit his nan but got sick of the snide comments and little digs at his parents that he's also cut of contact. Dh felt like he was in the middle iykwim. I don't want dd to feel like that and would rather keep her out of it.
BTW dd is 1 and although she probably doesn't even realise who these people are she will do sooner or later. It's whats said without me knowing that concerns me.

Also what happens when we have baby2..?? Do they expect dh to take dd and a newborn baby2 to visit them without me..?? No chance..!

I hate my il's for putting dh & I through this and esp for the fact that they know they are putting dh in a difficult position.

I seriously feel like running away with dd from all of this.

It is a horrible situation for you

I think if you could face it (totally understand if you couldn't) i would pop in as a family (because that it what the three of you are) for 30mins on the way to somewhere. Maybe doing this every 3 or so weeks (when it suits you!)
At least this way you could be sure they were not saying anything about you to dd.

If you cannot face this, maybe dh and dd popping in for a quick visit every 3 or 4 weeks (not weekly).

This must be so upsetting for you and tbh i'm not even sure that i could follow my own advice. I'm sure i'd feel let down by my dh as well in this situation. I would want to feel that I, my dd and new baby were the most important people in all of this.

Shhhh

Re this comment:-
"dh was in a similar position with his nan as she didn't get on with dh's mum so she didn't go along to visits. Also fil fell out with his mum so hasn't spoken to her for over 5 years. Dh did visit his nan but got sick of the snide comments and little digs at his parents that he's also cut of contact. Dh felt like he was in the middle iykwim. I don't want dd to feel like that and would rather keep her out of it".

You see a pattern here - these people are repeating exactly what went before. This has become a generational problem. Sad but true. Your DH needs to see this as a generational issue.

"I hate my il's for putting dh & I through this and esp for the fact that they know they are putting dh in a difficult position".

They certainly have left him in an awkward spot but his primary loyalty should be to you his wife.
He needs to tackle them and both of you should put on a united front towards them. Both of you need to agree on how this issue should be tackled.

Your DD should be allowed to have a relationship with her grandparents; its not her fault and she needs to make up her own mind re them. She will work them out when she is old enough. I say this as someone who does not have a great relationship with my parents but will not play the bad guy here and in any way prevent them from seeing DS.

"I seriously feel like running away with dd from all of this".
For goodness sake don't do that, you love your DH and DD too much to put them through all that upheaveal. Running away is not going to solve anything, you need to confront. You'll let the Inlaws win if you do that and give them yet more ammo to throw at you.

With best wishes

Attila
Would strongly suggest counselling for your own self to talk through this.

What at a horrible situation but i am going to be brutal here. Based on what you have said, here are the facts:
-dh is not prepared to cut contact with his parents or demand an apology on your behalf
-pil still want to see your dd and dh
-they will think they have 'won' if dh goes without you
-you will think they have won if dh goes without you
-new baby is going to make it impractical for dh to go without you
-dd will suffer from cutting contact with doting grandparents
-your marriage may suffer if you expect dh to cut contact against his will

seems to me the only answer is to rise above the pettiness, be the bigger party and go along with dh and dd to the visits. Show them that you and dh are a team that they cannot split up by their nastiness. Make a deal with dh that the visits will be reduced (perhaps to once a month) and that he will defend you if they are openly rude or critical. By being an obvious team with your dh you are making a far more powerful statement to your pils than by crying on your own at home.

Message withdrawn

thing is I do want to see them as if dh goes alone it's even less time I spend with him at the w/e and due to work etc time we spend together during the week is limited.

BUT how can I go when I know I am not wanted.??!!! How can I sit there when clearly neither of us has anything to say to the other..? I know it's harsh but I also feel that me going along shows to them that they can contiue to do this iykwim...

You are right I don't want to loose dh or dd but I feel like I already am..to the il's.. I honestly feel like all they want from me is grandchildren. . I know I sound bitter but some awful things have been said to me and I never lowered myself to give it back.

Yup attila, I also think it's a generational issue. I have said to dh it's as though mil didn't get on with her mil so she's done her best to do the same to me..

you're probably right that all they do want from you is a convenient womb-space for temporary storage of their grandchildren but they have to accept that you, dh and your children come as a package.

It must be awful to feel so unwanted and hurt by them and I'm sure you wont ever want to forget what they have said, but is there any way you could bring the situation back to being civil for everybody's sake?

Could you write a note to them before visiting with dh, along the lines that you have been very hurt and upset by what has been said to and about you but that you would like to try to have a friendly relationship with them for dh and dd's sake so you will be coming with dh on Saturday, hoping that you can all let bygones be bygones???

A bit optimistic and Pollyanna-ish perhaps?

I agree with the "rent a womb bit". Although I'm sure pil and dh would say different.

Well a letter would be a good idea but tbh I think the letter would be laughed at for years to come and probably brought out on many occasions iykwim.
They would love to let things pass by unsolved BUT for some reason I feel that I can't move on until I know where I stand..Things are still up in the air and I know my pil are this type of people. They would rather isgnore something ever happened rather than apologise or admit fault.

I just can't seem to forget what's been said and I don't think my feelings are being considered by them at all. I also find it disgraceful that they haven't even congraulated dh or I on this "baby"..yet they want to see dd so much...

Shhhh

Tbh i have to disagree with some of the posts here.I think it is entirely possible that your pil's will slag you off in front of dd.It did happen to me and my dad sounds similar to your dh in some ways.

I also think that in view of the way they have been been disrespectful to you they don't have automatic "rights" to see dd.

My granny used to take me into the kitchen and i would have to listen to awful things about my mum while she did tea for everyone.I was always too scared to say anything to my mum till years later.

having been thru an experience where my gp's were horrible to my mum and she was left home alone when we visited i would not allow my children to go thru it.

I would tell dh to sort it out properly with his parents eg find out exactly what the problem is and get you an apology.Imo it's the very least you deserve.

shhh

I never understand men who prioritise their parents' feelings over their wife's. I know as children we always please our parents, it is how we are made but I feel it is unhealthy when this continues into adulthood, that somehow we still have to please them instead of being the person we are which may not be what our parents want.

My husband and I have had similar problems with his parents but fortunately he stands by me. I personally would not want my children to see the il's without me, my Dad fell out with his Mum and yes they take every opportunity to slag off the person who is no longer able to defend themselves because they are not there. I also feel that your husband will not stand up for you. I agree with the whole generational thing.

My MIL used to come out of her pil's in tears because of comments made directly to her face and yet my FIL just stood by and watched his poor wife criticised on all levels. I think they thought that we would be the same, how wrong they were.

I also think once a week is a little excessive. Maybe every 3 weeks but not set in stone and I think you should go and show a united front. I have had to endure it and it has got better after 10 years it is actually my FIL who is the problem. My husband could not care less about him but his Mum is nice and lovely and really tries so we do it for her.