Was this "sexual" abuse? (possibly triggering)

[ObviouslyaNC]

My husband is currently looking at his childhood following some recent revelations. There is a lot he didn't remember which he is now piecing together from things he is finding out from family members.

This is causing him to revisit some of the memories he already had. He was beaten constantly by his mother who was also very verbally and emotionally abusive to him.

He remembers that one of her forms of punishment was to either hit him in the groin (sometimes with improvised weapons) or she would sometimes grab and squeeze his penis and testicles very very hard to cause him pain.

DH has always seen this as an extension of the beatings as he doesn't think there was a sexual motivation for her. But he is now wondering if it would be classed as sexual abuse considering the area involved.

Posted too early. Meant to add that obviously this is a sensitive issue so would appreciate understanding in responses.

No expert, but I'd say that was sexual abuse.

Most certainly is sexual abuse.
That's all I can say as post (not you op) has made me feel all ugh and wonder why some people bother having kids and the awful things they do to them

Me too things at the moment every time I look at DH I see the little boy that nobody protected and it bloody breaks my heart.

I couldn't just leave sorry x

Has he or would he look into talking to someone about what happened to him?

His 'mum' sounds vile, I take it hope she's dead out of the picture

Whatever happens I hope he finds peace, or classes himself as a survivor rather than a victim. Other lovely people should reply soon a lot of them have useful links for help and support.

I wish both of you well and may sort of float in and out of the thread x

I don't see this as sexual abuse. Vile yes but sexual no. Without wishing to be insensitive, Obviously, I don't see a sexual element here although the abuse was targeted at genitals. However, genitals are extremely sensitive to pain which is why she chose them.

For it to be sexual abuse I think she would have to be getting some element of sexual pleasure from it? Maybe she wanted to cause him maximum pain/fear/distress as opposed to giving herself sexual pleasure?

That being said I have no knowledge of what actually constitutes sexual abuse, so this is only my measured opinion.

I hope you can help him get some help. Best wishes.

Sorry, I should have said 'which is probably why she chose them'.

I actually don't think so. It sounds more like another area of the body that is not easily seen by other people (even in the gym) and hurts a lot.

But, obviously, no expert.

But that it hurt is bad enough. :(

Yes, painful and also humiliating.

Yes things he had a bit of counselling earlier this year but didn't feel ready really. Now, after the recent revelations (too identifying a tragic story to explain) he feel he is.

Yes he remembers she would do it till he screamed in agony tuhlulah lweji so very painful. And I think this in particular has had an effect on his sex life as an adult.

Was going to ask if anyone knows of any helpful websites/organisations as we are a bit wary of googling for obvious reasons.

Thank you for all the helpful comments so far.

Sorry things meant to also reply that she is very much still in his life which he is finding very difficult at the moment. She is a very different person now but it's all been swept under the carpet as if none of it ever happened.

Try Napac

Unfortunately no experience and not sure who to recommend you should contact.
Have you tried via a gp?

NSPCC also have "Advice and support from our helpline for adult survivors of child abuse and neglect"
Also One In Four, this is the page to link to other sites.

I would class it as sexual abuse because she overstepped a boundary that went on to affect him sexually. It doesn't matter if she got no sexual pleasure from it. Her physical abuse was deliberately targeted in such a way as to affect his sexual identity and is likely to affect him in a different way to the other abuse due to the sense of shame and self disgust that tends to attach to sexual abuse.

He needs to get her out of his life.

Google napac. I haven't had dealings with them myself but they are supposed to be good at helping survivors of abuse.

Showing your anger about what happened and reminding him that none of it was his fault will help.

I think definitely sexual abuse. If it was a girl/young woman being grabbed by her breasts or nether regions it would be sexual abuse the same goes for a boy surely?

Sorry I've been away from the thread - was out at my parents' house.

Thanks for the links. He's booked in to see through counsellor after Christmas so just wants to make sure he's doing some healthy thinking and talking in the mean time.

Cailin you're right about the shame he feels. It was the last bit of abuse he told me about and it took a good five years whereas he opened up about the other beatings within the first year of our relationship.
He needs to get it all out as its festered for the last thirtyish years.

He isn't currently sure what he wants to happen re his current relationship with his mother. He's leaning more and more towards nc but what he really wants is to be able to build up the courage to confront her as the lack of acknowledgement is awful for him. It's hard as I feel very protective but have said I will support him with whatever he chooses.

I was unsure re if it was sexual abuse or not then I thought about the things I've been telling my son about being touched in his genitalia by anyone else if he doesn't want them to ect. That really made up my mind.
My mother was a sadistic arsehole too, again a different person now, but I've gone mostly no contact with her and I refuse to let her have sole care of my kids despite knowing she wouldn't do the same things to them, simply because if she did, mother or no, I'd be in prison for a long time and they'd take a year to find each piece!
Sorry ranting and that's obviously not helpful op my apologies.. Anyway I assume she hasn't ever apologised, or made it up (as if she could) in any way? P's mother I have been told was an evil cow when they were little, yet they both love her now and she is a lovely on the surface anyway woman, sorry but my kids wouldn't be left with her either. Severely limiting my babysitter options here huh

Your dh may wish to go no contact or he may not but I wonder if he would feel able ever to confront her over her cruelty? I tried with my mother albeit with no support and basically got told I was making it up! Fortunately my sister also remembers what I do so that's helpful. I'm so glad he's got you to support him. Please try to get him to contact some of those links, oh and one last thing don't let him ever believe that because he was abused or not brought up well that it will naturally follow that he may be the same. This is not the case. You make your own decisions about life and if he chooses to keep her in his may it be at arms length and not around your dc's x

There is a thread on here about emotional abuse called stately homes something try there it may help you I can't link for some reason tho, phone is being a pita

ObviouslyaNC, I'm so sorry your husband was treated like that. I would say that hurting genitalia constitutes sexual abuse. It was most certainly abusive behaviour, however one categorises it.

In terms of getting help, apart from those sites already mentioned, I would recommend this US-based site (but there are people on the forum from all over the world) which I think is particularly helpful for male survivors. As well as tons of helpful information, they have good discussion boards and a chatroom.

www.malesurvivor.org/

There are also forums specifically for families and friends who are supporting survivors.

Whatever it's called, the act and results are the same. Vile.

Your poor H :( stately homes thread in relationships is a good place to find support.

Your H will have to come to terms with the fact that she'll never acknowledge what she's done to him.

He'll have to go through that, and the hurt, anger, fear and everything else.

But he can't turn back now, he will feel better, bit by bit, as he works through iit all.

What counselling will give him is the understanding that it wasn't his fault, it was her choice, it was wrong and all his feelings are valid.

I wish you all the very best, keep posting, it'll help you help him.

He's so lucky to have you! :)

Things sorry to hear about your experiences. I think DH would find it easier if his mum was still nasty to him as he would then be able to just cut her out.

He has decided that he does want to confront her as otherwise it's all still festering in his head. He's worried she'll deny it - in which case we'll go nc. She can't really though as he has confirmation from various sources including his father and his mothers siblings. We're also looking into getting his record from social services as he wants to know everything. They failed to protect him though even after he disclosed the abuse although his brother was in and out of care.

Thanks for the link ragdoll - DH is finding that a lot of stuff seems to be aimed towards female survivors. I think his situation where the mother was the perpetrator is more unusual too although having looked on the stately home thread and other places I see it is more common than I realised.

Aw shucks hissy I'm trying to support him andhe says I'm doing a good job. I must say though I'm struggling myself with coming to terms with it all. I just feel so angry. We became parents a few months ago and that seems to have made both of us more angry as we now know what a parent should feel towards their child and we both know we would not be responsible for our actions if anyone did to our dc what was done to him