I think my mum is ignoring me.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Never had a brilliant relationship with her. Usual toxic childhood stuff, I lurk on the stately homes thread, the title of which is very fitting!

She and my dad divorced some years ago after a nasty few years of hell instigated by her and then she had an affair. Dad found out about the affair, mum said she wanted an open relationship. Ie, have her cake and eat it by staying in the big house. Dad found someone else and when mum found out she went crazy, smashed the house up and stabbed him.

As you can imagine they've had no contact since then, about seven years ago.

Anyway my dads been seriously ill for years, he also remarried last year. A couple of months ago we were told it was terminal with not much longer to go. Out of politeness I told my mum. Her first question to me was "what's my role in all of this". I was stunned and told her she didn't have one. She started bleating about the funeral and offered to read a eulogy. I told her she might not even be invited and she said she was coming anyway and we couldn't stop her.

Anyway my dad died two weeks ago. Inbetween me telling my mum how ill he was and him dying she hasn't rung me once to see how I am.

He died quite late one evening and I rang her the following morning. Not till about mid morning as there were other people such as his mother in law and sister in law who needed to be told first. But after my step mothers family she was the next one. She asked when he'd died and when I said late the previous night she demanded to know why I hadn't rung earlier. I pointed out that there had been other people to tell first, etc and that she had to accept that as they're divorced things have changed. I told her I'd let her know when the funeral was (she knew by now that my step mum had said she was welcome to come).

Didnt hear from her in the next few days.

Rang her up last week to tell her when the funeral was. Got a lecture from her on "how cruel" I've been towards her by telling her that things had changed, etc.

Funeral was two days ago. I rang her up the evening after the funeral and no answer. I'm sure she was in. I left a message and she hasn't returned my call. I didnt see her at the wake as she was asked not to come to that as my step mum didnt really want her there.

So she's obviously ignoring me. As well as having been generally nasty towards me at such an awful time and offering me no support. Everything is a.ways about her and I suspect she's pissed off big time about not been able to be mourner in chief at the funeral.

I'm not ringing up leaving more messages. I suspect ill get the cold shoulder treatment/sulks for a few weeks and then she'll ring up acting like nothing has happened. I wish she'd died and not my dad.

I feel so very sorry for you, and am so sorry for your loss.

I witnessed a similar set of behaviours from my narc mother, over the death of her first husband (DB's father). They had been divorced for decades, but she wanted to play chief mourner, eulogy etc, because he was apparently "the love of her life" and as he was widowed, it was her "right" . Actually, I am not confused now, though I was then! narcs just cannot abide not being the centre of attention
She threw a complete strop when DB told her she would not be welcome, and refused to talk to him. Her motivation was purely punishment intended to bring him to heel and make him apologise endlessly for all the perceived distress HE had caused HER.

Wish there was something that would both take the pain out of the behaviours, and ensure a better way forward for you, but IME there isn't. I ended up going NC about 5 years later, because the behaviours exhibited over the funeral actually applied to every contact she had in her life and very specifically to me.
You need to be ready in your own head, to go NC, so it may not be the right route for you now ....particularly at a time when you are mourning your father.... but I do think you should protect yourself a little from the additional pain and upset your mother is likely to cause.

I know the hope exists that if you could talk, she might be the parent who will support you a little, and that you don't need to be falling out with her now of all times, but the very sad thing is that narc parents never ever give what we really need ....and the drama of this "blame" just pulls the focus back to where she will always wants it to be.
If she is creating a barrier right now, to enhance that drama, then paradoxically it really may be the best possible thing for you ......so that you can grieve as you need to.

Thank you. I do think I'd benefit from going NC and have tried it before but the guilt just gets me.

Your mother gave you life but is not entitled to rule it, well, not once past childhood. She sounds dreadful and tbh it's something of a pity you told her about your father's death at all (hindsight, eh?)

It does sound like you're emotionally trapped by her. If you're lucky at some point you can slowly free yourself of her. Try Toxic Parents, it's great.

But you're not going NC, she is. Try to enjoy the peace while it lasts. You'll be sucked back in soon enough. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You're just the messenger who got shot.