Feel like my adult children expect me to solve all their problems they caused

[tiredoldmum]

I have grown children a daughter in her 30s and son in his mid 20s.

They have made mistakes in life and seem to think it is my fault and I should clean up their messes.

After my first husband passed away, I met someone, got married and moved to another country.

It is expensive to go back for a visit and I have a few times. My kids have never come here for a visit unless I have paid for it.

My son got into some serious trouble with the law a couple years ago and was facing a decade of prison time. I spent a lot of money (30k) for an attorney to bail him out of the trouble and it was a great burden to me financially and mentally.

He had an inheritance from his father which he quickly pissed away. I had repeatedly told him to pay his debts. Pay off his car, fines, whatever. He didn't pay off anything and just thought the money would last forever with one big party.

Now he is broke and living with his sick elderly grandmother. I have urged him to look for work and get a job. He keeps saying he doesn't see how anyone would ever hire him with a felony. I said well you have to try. I urged him to sign up for a job service to see about getting some sort of training or job but he hasn't done it.

Whenever I talk to him on the phone, he lays such a huge guilt trip on me saying I should move back there and he thinks I don't really care or want to be around him and his sister. When I hang up the phone, I feel like utter rubbish.

What I think is he wants me to move back there so he will have a place to live and lay around and continue not to do anything.

I am not sure how to handle this. I am tired of the well if I don't pay these fines, I will go to prison guilt trips. You don't love us because you moved to another country.

Firstly. have some

I think there are two things going on here, and they have been mixed together in everyone's heads.
Your re-marriage and relocation was always going to be a big emotional issue for the children, whatever the age. That is not your problem, all that you could ever do was talk it through with them as much as possible so you could hear how they felt and acknowledge their feelings ...... that "dad" had been replaced, and that you were leaving them because your new husband was more important to you.
That is not how it WAS, I know. But those are often the feelings of adult children, when parents remarry and/or move away.

They have nothing to do with your adult son not taking responsibility for his own life. My (long deceased) FIL once said to me that "there comes a point when, however much we love our children, we have to accept that their behaviour is not our fault and we cannot take responsibility for it. They have grown up"
I don't think I could put it better, in this case.
You have bailed him out before, and he will never ever learn to act more sensibly as long as you continue to let him avoid the consequences.
The guilt tripping is not only manipulation (albeit unconscious rather than deliberate) but a great way for him to blame someone else for his behaviours.

I think you should invest money in a flight home, spend some time with the children. Create an opportunity for discussion about their feelings re the past, listen and accept....don't argue, because they are entitled to their feelings, but equally don't feel you have to justify.
And tell your son that you love him forever, wherever you are ....but he is a grown man, and has to face the consequences of his choices, because you cannot afford to bail him out anymore.

How old was your son when you moved away? How long after his father passed away?

He's got himself in a bit of a situation and he doesn't know how to get out of it. He's a bit trapped. No job and nowhere to live. And a record.

I don't live in the uk either but if he does he might be finding it hard to get a job. There are all these zero hour contracts and people are struggling to find work. Have you suggested he stays on at his grans and gets some education or training? At least it will give him a focus and it might be a way out.

Is there no possibility he can live in your country? A fresh start.

I think it's understandable that your DCs, however grown up, miss having you around and still need your support. Bereavement is traumatic, casts long shadows and you going to another country will have felt like rejection. That's not to say you should take the blame for anyone's behaviour but paying for a lawyer is not the same as being there to listen.

Yes, I really miss my kids too. I do. I went back when he got in trouble and went to court with him and was there when he was released from jail.

I was wanting to go back for a visit this year but have had too many financial problems to afford it.

Kids who still rely on parents in their 20's and 30's really need to have a good look at themselves especially
In their 30's.

The thing is, he would probably be the same if you lived in the US, but neither he nor you know that. And if he is the type to shirk his responsibilities, he will always be thinking the situation is someone else's fault. If you weren't his alibi, someone else would be- probably was, back when you lived there.

I think that some people have to hit rock bottom before they make the effort to climb back up. The US is meant to be a land of opportunity and forgiveness- I don't believe that he wouldn't get a second chance if he was willing to take it. Nobody is telling him he can't start a small business, or do a manual job.

I hope his grandmother is coping OK as it must be hard for her. If i can be blunt for a moment, i guess a crisis will come when she dies and the family want him out of her house. That might the point for you to go over.

I married into a family where Mum and died when the DCs where between teens and early twenties. Dad had never been the strong person in the family, couldn't cope solo, moved on, remarried, relocated and essentially created a new life in which his adult DCs didn't particular feature. It wasn't so much as the DCs relied on him on him for anything but they still felt rejected. They'd effectively lost both parents within about a five year period and - rightly or wrongly - some of them really struggled with that.

I think that by mid-twenties, people have to stand on their own two feet unless there are exceptional circumstances.

If you keep bailing him out (though it sounds like you can't now) the point will come where it will not help him. Like someone said, sometimes it's not til someone hits rock bottom that they really take a look at their lives. Then they can choose - and it's only them that can choose - to take responsibility for their own lives, good and bad parts, or they can choose to keep putting the blame on everyone else.

It won't help to keep bailing him out or letting him live off you becuase one day, bluntly, you won't be there. It's unlikely anyone else will bother, people usually expect people to look after themselves. And the older your son is by that point, the harder it will be.

What you can do is be there to listen to him, as long as it's not one tirade of abuse. Give him the time and attention, mentally stand by him but not fish him out of the soup again.

But he is more than adult - gods, people can join the army and go to war at 18! - and he has to start living his own life, not expecting everythign from you. Your daughter too.

How old were your kids, when you left?

He passed away 7 years ago I have been with my current husband a few years.

You know, you all are making me think.
I have nobody here except my husband. He has no family here either as both his parents have passed.

All of my family are back in the other country.

My granddaughter is 2 and I have seen her for about a day.

I am thinking really why am I here? My husband can come with me to where I am from.

Relocating back to the US is a whole different decision.

There could be many reasons why it might be right for you. It could be good to grow old in the country where you are a citizen by birth. You often find you have better entitlement to healthcare and pensions, though that may well ot be true of the US.

It could be good to be part of your granddaughters life.

I wouldn't move back just to sort out his issues, though. If you are in the same country, maybe both kids will respond to mentoring and advice. But maybe your son will be tempted to treat you as a soft option. Bt they do both have to grow up sometime, maybe that time is approaching, in which case it could be nice to rebuild family life.

But don't be a martyr or a mug, keep your independence and keep giving the message that you can love them but you can't wipe out the consequences of their decisions. Decisions which I am very sure would not have been your advice at the time.

I don't recall mentioning the US?

Could you return for 6 months - rent out your place in the US and rent somewhere in the UK? Is your mother still here - or is your son living with your MIL?

Real shame that you are not experiencing in the joy of your grand daughter for yourself, your daughter and your grand daughter.

Go for positive experiences and encourage your children - but do not bail out debt etc - maybe your son needs wise direction/leadership - he has lost his Dad and lost his way - take on board mentoring etc - but not problem solving - he needs to do that for himself.

I think people are assuming US from some of your terminology - attorney, felony are UK terms rather than UK terms. Not that people are stalking you on here or know you IRL .

US terms rather than UK terms

How old was your DS when his father died? If he's mid-twenties and it was 7 years ago, would that make him 18 or so? In the family I mentioned earlier, it was the three youngest siblings who struggled most with their father's perceived rejection. They were 16, 18 and 20 at the time of their DM's death and went off the rails in various ways, mostly alcohol-related. The older ones had already left home, got families etc and didn't have such a battle. None of what happened was Dad's fault - same as it's not your fault - but the younger ones definitely struggled with having to grow up fast.

Yes, sorry, OP, I thought you had said the US but you didn't- I must have thought you did based on your use of non-British English.

Feel free to substitute the right country and I hope the thoughts are still helpful.