Breadwinner mum, age gap relationship - help!

[mouldycurtains]

I have been with DP for three and a half years. I’d spent my twenties looking for a committed relationship, but when we met I was 29 and he was 21 so given the age gap I thought it would just be a fling. But we fell in love, moved in together, got engaged and had DD now 15 months. I have a professional career but DP was a student when we met; he finished his studies just before DD was born and has not been able to find work since. I put DD into full time nursery (her name was down when I was pregnant as it’s really popular) when I went back to work after 7 months maternity leave, thinking DP could find a job at any time. That hasn’t happened so now he’s at home all day and reluctantly does housework after much prompting, but rarely finishes all that I ask him to do, which would usually take an hour at most. This is driving me insane and I’ve told him over and over but nothing ever seems to change. I find it disrespectful that I work all day to keep a roof over our heads and he can’t bring himself to do simple things that mean I can relax at the end of the day. I know that he is disheartened by the fruitless job search and bored, but he is not depressed as he still enjoys his hobbies.

I have been reluctant to take DD out of nursery for him to look after her until now as I don’t think he would stimulate her and actually do any activities. He is happy to stay in all day, not bothered about getting fresh air etc. But recently I have finished my training and we will have to move cities for my job, so DP will be looking for work elsewhere and in the meantime before we move is it not ludicrous to pay for childcare whilst he sits at home?

I think about planning our wedding, I love him dearly and I love our family but this issue which is essentially his lack of work ethic and laziness really concerns me. I’m worried that if things stay the same it will erode my respect for him and turn it all sour. I don’t want to paint a picture that is all bad about him because there are so many good things in our relationship, but I want us to start married life with the best chance of staying married. I’m considering pre-marital couples counselling, any thoughts?

What does he have to say about it? Sounds a bit cock-lodgerish to be fair. Does he not actively WANT his child home with him? Does he not WANT the house to be tidy or shopping bought? Sounds like you have yourself a manchild that you are enabling to do fuck all. If this was me, it would be shape up pronto or fuck off, to be fair. I wouldn't be planning a wedding.

I wouldn't be marrying him at the moment. He's sounds like your teenager not your partner.

Your best chance of staying married is to not marry this guy.

Don't give up that childcare, you'll need it and it will make it a lot easier to get rid of him.

So this is reason enough to split up with the father of my child without trying to work it out?

I find this statement telling:

"That hasn’t happened so now he’s at home all day and reluctantly does housework after much prompting, but rarely finishes all that I ask him to do, which would usually take an hour at most."

Its hard to tell what the root issue is - whether he's a man-child because A) he inherently is or B) because you are setting him up to be one or C) a bit of both.

He's young and may have moved from parental boundaries straight to yours. Doesn't mean he can't stand on his own two feet, he may just not have had to. If that's the case then you giving him To DO lists won't be helping him gain experience, make his own mistakes or live with the consequences of his own judgements. If so, back off and let him take some control. Agree some principles (who is responsible for what i.e., cooking, care of child etc..) but stop telling him how to do it. You may have to compromise of some things - standards, quality of meals - but that's life. How would you feel if standards were imposed on you - that's paid employment not a relationship.

(And I speak from experience here, having handled my (same-age) DH like this for a long time to a point of near-disaster.)

If he's just wanting to coast and rely on you, then that's a whole other ball game.

You know your relationship and only you can make the call. But you need to start by talking to him as an equal and work out what your partnership is all about. Then move on from there - with give and take on both sides. Try to keep in touch with the qualities and values that caused you to love him in the first place but balance that with the pracilicalites of family life.

Good luck.

TheGhostOfPortoPast

He should want to look after and play with his child, nursery is so expensive, he should want to help out any way he can if he isnt working. Even if he only watches his child 3 days a week and spends the other 2 looking for work, thats a massive help but i dont think the specifics need addressing and i cant advise on your day to day lives but he does sound absolutely bone idle and like he needs a boot up the arse.

"So this is reason enough to split up with the father of my child without trying to work it out?"

How can you "work out" the fact that he is a lazy freeloader?

You can't.

He's at home all day while you work with fuck all to do and he can't even do a bit of housework.

Because he doesn't want to.

So you can waste your time "working on" why he is so lazy and useless.

But while you do it, make sure you keep that childcare in place.

Because it's not looking good, is it?

And you don't want to end up with him being able to claim he is the primary carer and you being forced to subsidise him forever.

What do you need to work out? He finds a job, or he takes over full domestic responsibility. In your case I would NOT make him full time caregiver as I fear you will find things don't improve much. Making life worse for your child and putting you in a very difficult postition re. custody if you split up.

I don't know-I would never have paid for childcare when dh was at home-that was his opportunity to be a parent and do something productive.
Do you actually know he wouldn't make the effort with her?
Have you left her on her own with him at weekends?
Has he got a vocational degree? If not he may not have a chance of a degree level job unless he's got a post grad too.
He should be either doing further study combined with a part time job or he should be looking after his child-both are valid ways to spend your time. I honestly don't think being at home with no child to care for is (it's not like he's got school runs and lots of kids to clean up after is it?).
If you want to give it a chance then change it.

Really - it is find a job, or leave.

What are you hoping to work out? Honestly, it's appalling that he lets you pay for childcare whilst he sits at home, and it's disgusting that he doesn't carry out the tasks of the house while you work. He has no excuse, he's just a lazy freeloader. He's not a sahp, he's not a househusband, he's a lazy manchild. I'm sure you have a laugh and good sex now and again but that's not the same as an equal partner is it?

I have a 21 year old son and though he'd rather be working, he'd love to be at home with a little child. He's home from university at the moment and clears up the house, prepares dinner etc and basically does the sort of things anyone should do if they're living in a family.

I can't believe you're paying for childcare while he's lazing around.

And no, I don't think he'll change. People only change because they want to change, in the end, not because someone else thinks they should.

So, he doesn't work, your DD is in full time childcare (is that costing you about a grand a month?!) so he doesn't need to do childcare, he doesn't clean or do any housework, in what way does he contribute to your family life?

Talk to him about what he wants to do when you move. If he wants to do the childcare (although perhaps only put her in nursery one or two days a week so she's already settled if he gets a job and gives him the time to job hunt), there would be extra money in the family budget to pay for activities for him to take DD to, or possibly pay for a cleaner.

If he's not prepared to do it, then perhaps you'd be better saying he can't move with you as he's bringing nothing to the table.

Certainly don't plan a wedding until he's grown up a bit, getting a job and/or taking responsibilty for his family is important for that. Don't tie yourself to him.