Listen to your gut - well who speaks gut?

[Gutless]

Can anyone help me unpick a bit of a love triangle?

I have been dating a man for nine months now. It's fair to say it's a grower of a relationship. I liked him from the off but I always thought it would be casual dating. Althugh we do have things in common and a shared sense of humour he's not my usual type and doesn't blow my mind in the way I normally look for. But he's also exceptionally sweet and giving and I've fallen for him. We went on holiday recently and I worried about spending that much time with him but it was all really easy. The sex is fantastic and overall it's a very intimate relationship that makes me feel all puppyish. I have grown to love him and am now wondering if breaking out of my normal type could be the secret to happiness afterall.

Over this same period I also met a second man. He is traditionally more my type, although I'm less physically attracted to him (although still fancy him). When we met though we stayed up all night talking and ever since I've felt like we've really connected. There's a distance issue which would make a relationship difficult and his history also suggests it might be a bit stormy. He has made it very clear that he wants to start a relationship and I often find myself agreeing that we clearly have some kind of connection and should explore it. But he suffers in comparison as we obviously haven't developed the same intimacy that I have with the first man.

I'm so confused. If it was possible to date both I would, but it isn't. I don't want to start anything with the second man until I've ended it with the first, and that makes it really difficult. I want to try because it's so rare to meet someone you feel this kind of connection with, but at the same time I don't want to leave my boyfriend. If I was meant to be with the second man would I find it easy to jump? But if I was meant to be with my boyfriend would I even be having thoughts about the second bloke?

Perhaps you're not meant to be with either? If you were that smitten with #1 you wouldn't have entertained the idea of #2. And, since you've already said #2 would be difficult and stormy, why set yourself up for it?

From what you have written, my gut says no to number two. The distance, not good. Less physically attracted... kind of speaks for itself. History of stormy...he is telling you who he is here so listen up!.

But I have the biggest problem with I often find myself agreeing that we clearly have some kind of connection and should explore it. Is he suggesting the definition of the dynamic between you and then "encouraging" you to aggree with him? So, maybe, you feel put on the spot and wanting to be seen as being agreeable, so you agree. And sometimes it might be hard to see through the flattery of someone "being very clear he wants to start a relationship", but my gut is saying watch out. The "rare to find someone with this kind of connection"...may be a case of too good to be true. Imho, he is controlling the dynamic, which means essentially, he is controlling you.

As for the first guy, the relationship seems to be/have developed on a more natural and (if I may say) mutual path. I would give him more of your time, but if he is not some one who you would be at peace setteling for, then perhaps the first respondant was on to something in saying the first guy may not be the right one for you either.

Fiftyandfab you may well be right, but I know that if #2 wasn't an issue I wouldn't be thinking of ending things with #1 yet as things are quite lovely.

Andtheband I think my gut has been telling me the same, as there has to be a reason why I think there's so much great stuff going on but I can't make the leap. Although your take on #2 is interesting as while I think there are some issues I don't think he's a bad 'un. He's not been encouraging the dynamic, but he has definitely been making it clear what he'd like, even though he's known I'm in a relationship. At the same time he's very self-deprecating and says he doesn't expect me to want to be with him. Alhough there have been some controlling elements, e.g. giving ultimatums, but I think that's because he feels a bit screwed around by me (I have definitely given the impression that #1 isn't 'the one' and that we have something, but I've also been clear about my doubts.)

He's certainly not too good to be true, there are a number of reasons that we've both articulated why it wouldn't work. But there's also that weird magnetic force.

When I read your post I had the same gut feelings as andthebandplayedon, just had a not good feeling about no2. Although, have you actually said you were exclusive with no1? Is there the possibility you can just see both of them? I date multiple guys at once, I just never promise anyone fidelity and they can take it or leave it!

It's called 'wanting your cake and eating it'. By any stretch of the imagination you are cheating on bloke No1.

What you are really asking is: can I keep No1 on the back burner whilst I give No2 a good going over then I'll pick the best one. One can only hope it doesnt happen to you

Jacey yes we're exclusive. As I said, I would like to be able to do that but it's not an option.

BohemianGirl I think others would disagree that it constitutes "cheating" on bloke 1. And that's not really the debate I'm trying to have anyway.

Well, you gut is telling you definitely no to no2.

But the existence of no2 as an issue suggests no1 isn't right also - a quieter message from your gut, but if you think you are merely settling for him, rather than really wanting him, then perhaps it's time for pastures new.

The only view on whether you're cheating, btw, is that of no1. If he knows about no2 and is ok with that extent of contact, then no problem. If you kept it secret, that's another message from your gut that you don't really value no1.

He knows we're friends, he doesn't know the extent of the contact. Just as I don't know if he'd secretly been pining for someone else when we got together, has had feelings for anyone since, or if I've been the cause of him rebuffing other women. We all have private emotional lives.

I think my gut is telling me no to #2, but I also feel he's an itch that has to be scratched. I think if I firmly say no it won't be liberating, I'll just be right back here wondering if I'm missing out on something with him. I'm too happy with #1 to want to end it, but I also completely get the arguments about a quiet feeling from my gut re the long-term. Maybe the missing out is just on a whole new as yet undiscovered person.

You could be sabotaging your good relationship with Number One because you are afraid of the commitment, or you want to test him (because he will find out, oh yes).

Linerunner that is what I'm afraid of. I have a history of not being comfortable with intimacy or commitment. Since day 1 I've listed reasons why it won't work, but so far it has...