How to deal with toxic mother?

[Queenie101]

Just need to know am I the only one out there with such a dysfunctional family? Don't know what to do? I guess I just need to talk or ask advice from anyone in the same boat?

The short story, I have been dealing with this all my life, never really knew what it was until a few years ago and now in my 30s. Just thought my mum was different. I love her like any child would love its mother and I guess I tolerate it. It's like I'm being blamed for everything and her shortcomings in life and the weight is on my shoulder.

I now have my own family and just want the peaceful happy family life I never had. The emotional abuse is worse and this always happens when I refuse to allow her to control me. After not speaking for 3 years, we rekindled after I got married and had kids. Everyone deserves a second chance and she appeared to have changed. She loved the kids and things were looking up.

The last straw for me she's attacking my parental skills and choices ( which is very rich), told me I'm a worthless mother and has now involved DH mother telling her things about me to make me look bad.

One minute she loves me and then the next I'm the worst child in the world. I've never done anything wrong apart from stand up for myself, telling her when she's wrong, oh and confiding in her sister about what I was going through (after my mum wrote me a 4 page letter telling me I was a streak of piss and she should have aborted me when my dad (so called) told her to.

We are not close cause of all of this but I'm trying to do the right thing, you know what the bible says in honouring parents. But I feel like my life would be so much better without her in it. I feel guilty for just thinking this.

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are but three damaging legacies left by such inadequate and toxic people.

All of your mother's actions towards you are typical for such toxic damaged people. It is not your fault she is this way, you certainly did not cause that damage. Her own parents did and her own childhood was likely to have been itself abusive on some level. Its still no excuse though.

If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then she is too toxic for your children to have contact with. I would certainly keep the children well away from her. You need to protect them from such malign influences. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, your mother is truly no different.

It may well be a good idea for you to also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages. There are some good resources at the start of that thread that is well worth reading as well.

She has never honoured you and has blamed you throughout for her problems. The Bible here really does not come into it. The "normal" rules of interaction with family members goes out the window when it comes to dealing with such toxic and dysfunctional families.

No, you are not alone. Have you joined the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? You will be among your brethren there.

I think you are doing great. You state "I've never done anything wrong apart from stand up for myself" and to me that shows that you have kept your own moral compass, your ability to recognise and say no to poor behaviour, in spite of your upbringing. Keep a hold of that feeling - it will steer you on the right path.

We all deal with our dysfunctional families as best we can. For some, that means cutting ties, and for others, it's learning how to remain detached when a dysfunctional parent tries their hardest to manipulate or destabilise us. You don't need to feel guilty about recognising that someone in your life is difficult. You just need to work out how you are going to deal with that person, in the way that is healthiest for you.

And do bear in mind Attila's point about her possible effect on your children: does she use control or guilt tactics with them, as she did with you? Do your children witness her trying to manipulate you? You'll need to decide what damage limitation you want to impose on their relationship with her, too.

Thanks Hot and Attila I will post on the thread you suggest.

The thing is, it's not so much blaming me directly for her life. It more like she's angry at me for not supporting her. I think she thinks no matter what I should support her. But for most of her choices, actions and mistakes, I will never support. Most things that have happened to her as a result her own choices is her fault. She doesn't like hearing it, and then I'm the enemy.

I've tried to help, guide and love unconditionally and sometimes turning a blind eye. But I'm not going to support her when she's rude, physically fighting with people or attacking them. She even physically attacked me in front of my DH. Texting me telling me she's going to get a contract out on me. After that we didn't speak for years until she begged for forgiveness.

She has no friends, hardly speaks to any of her family and hates it if I build relations with my family. We have tried to get her help over the years but she has refused counselling of any kind.

My kids are too little at this stage, only babies. And she does adore them. We thought this was a good thing when they arrived to bring the family together and for the past year, it's been good. I do think about the effect it will have on them when they grow up and I'm determined not to let it affect them. I don't want to continue the cycle, I want to break it.

I guess I will have to learn how to remain detached and keep her issues out of my family home and life.

Thanks for listening and your support.

Best advice that I was ever given was that you can't change the person but you can change the way you react to them. If this means limiting contact then you might have to do this. It is not your fault , she is the way she is because of the experiences she has had in her life. You have a choice and you must always remember that.

If your mother has been that rude, that undermining and violent - I'm afraid that it is better to keep your children away from them. She may be ok with them at this nice malleable stage, but when they grow up she will probably do the same to them as she did to you. Start undermining them and get nastier and nastier.

She is your mother and their grandmother but she sounds catastrophically unpleasant. The Bible says 'honour your father and mother' but it also says 'parents, drive not thy children to distraction" ( funny, the rotten parents usually forget to mention that bit).

Yes, other people have or had as unpleasant parents. It is a tragedy what some people become, and the damage they pass on and inflict on others :/

Do what feels right for you and your own family. These Toxic Mothers never change in my opinion.

I disowned mine and just last week I received a Christmas Card from her after no contact for 2 years and I found out from Facebook my younger bro's gf is pregnant. So she must want to provoke me contacting her so she can brag about it, never mind my kids though.

I knew something was up and sadly but not really that sadly as I'm used to it, her golden children stick by her and I'm the monster whos not right in the head.

Any mother who chooses to write a nasty four page letter to their daughter is only going to carry on damaging that daughter and then try it on with the grandchildren.

I would cease contact. Seriously.

Thanks all for advice. I'm actually building the strength to take the control back my life.

It's all a bit messed up as recently she's been ill and its potentially serious. Now out of obligation I'm trying to support and give back the support she gave me when DC were born (she was trying to make up for things I suppose). It's been a bit of a downward spiral since as she cannot cope with it.

Consequently it's like she's loosing the plot and the paranoia and verbal attacks are starting again. She's accusing me of something I didn't do and trying to get my DB involved on her side. Calling me up on speakerphone with him in the background trying to out me. Seriously I feel like I should be on Jeremy Kyle!!

Anyway this is the last straw and I recently spoke to my siblings about this and they agree and understand why I am keeping my distance now. It's unfortunate now she's ill, because it looks like I'm abandoning her at her lowest point but I've tried to forgive, move forward and support. I keep letting her in and she then turns on me when she gets the chance.

I think the straw that broke the camels back was after years of suppressing memories I started to remember the things of the past. Especially the physical abuse (discipline she probably would say it was and that she didn't know any better) she inflicted on my oldest DB. Just the thought of that made me cry and I can't quite believe my DM actually did those things. He actually admitted to me his first memory was when she told him she fucking hated him at 6 years old.

Anyway I started to read up on toxic parents and I'm beginning to understand what it's all about. This is a step to taking my life back. Also another sibling and I have decided to start counselling. It will take me to a place I don't want to go, but it's very necessary to build my life to what it should have been.

I'm just so sad as I've never experienced a proper father/daughter or mother/daughter relationship. She would always say to me your ashamed of me cos I'm not like those other mothers. Yeah that's true, I was always jealous of my friends families as I just wanted that.

Sorry this is long. It's just helps me get it all out. Thanks for listening.

Don't you dare feel guilty. She does not deserve your guilt. ANyway she signed a 'death warrant' on your and her relationship when she wrote that awful letter. I bet she never showed that to your mil. Did you??

Keep yourself and child away from the poison.

Yo're doing the right thing, she's not someone who has the right to call herself your mother.

Sounds like you have understanding from your siblings, which is helpful.

The counselling will help.

Côme and post on stately homes thread if you need to talk/ven/ask questions?

Well done for taking your life back. Well done for protecting your dc from her.