What the hell next? (Long)

[waldeinsamkeit]

Feeling desperately alone and confused.
Backstory: I've had a real hell of a year. My DM died after a short illness earlier this year, I'm an only child so was heavily involved in sorting out things and making sure my dad was OK after she died. Then I found out I was pregnant with DC2 - this seemed like a turning point but I had an MMC which was discovered at the 12 week scan, which was hard to deal with without my mum around.

A few months later I had another MC: this time a suspected ectopic pregnancy which was initially quite frightening. Things appeared to go back to normal but I soon started having severe pains which are still being investigated. My dad's health has gone downhill quite quickly and I'm trying to look after him as far as I can.

After the second MC, DH withdrew a bit: it was almost as if he wanted to close the door on the whole traumatic thing, which was kind of understandable as I saw it at the time as we'd been through a lot that year.

Then last week he confessed to a one-night stand he'd had a couple of years ago, which he feared might be the cause of the MC as it was unprotected. He's since been tested for an STI and thankfully it's come up as negative. What I get from him is that it was a mistake, he deeply regrets it, we were at a different stage in our lives then and a lot has changed since, he wants to make it up to me.. etc.

I have nobody I can talk to about this. I want to make this work - I'm not about to chuck out my marriage without having to, but it feels like nobody is fighting my corner any more. DD is 3 and is about as appreciative and rich in empathy as most 3 year olds (she prefers Daddy anyway), I don't have family other than my ILs and my dad, and we've been together so long that I have very few friends that aren't 'our' friends IYSWIM, or those that are are people I know through my religious community who don't seem to be the right people to talk to.

Is it worth suggesting relationship counselling when all I really need is for DH to appreciate me a bit more? Would be really nice if someone did.

I'm sorry so many stressful things have happened in quick succession and I think your DH's behaviour is appalling, frankly. Withdrawing? Confessing to affairs? I'd be thinking less in terms of counselling and more in terms of threats. If you really want to make it work you have to demand respect forcefully and not negotiate 'a bit more appreciation' which should be a complete given. It's not chucking out a marriage... it's about stopping being a mug

So he admits to a ONS when DD was tiny - just the one, not an affair, really? But enough to make him panic when you miscarried - otherwise he'd not have told you. This stinks.

Yes you were at a different stage, DD was much younger, you planned another DC because as far as you knew you were in a working relationship. You trusted him, now you're nearly at the end of a dreadful year and he lands this on you. He probably feels some measure of relief for at having confessed, transferring the burden to you. Maybe he will seem like the old DH, you may even find 'hysterical bonding' sets in.

Personally I'd want him to answer any and every question. Who, when, where, why? I'd be racking my brain thinking back, checking dates, tensions, aberrations. He has chucked a big stone into the water so he has to expect ripples.

PS If you're able to trust someone you respect in your religious community, talking to them could be of use. Very often 'godly' people can have an astute perception of human frailty and can be a useful sounding board.

Thank you. I think I've been too shell-shocked to ask the questions - and I think he does feel relief for having confessed, apparently this has been bothering him for some time (and no wonder.. I would bloody hope it would TBH).

I think there are some things I really do want to know (why, when, where) and some I don't as it would be too painful whatever the answer. I am racking my brains a lot.

Can't concentrate on a damn thing today.

My dh really struggled after my eptopic and was very upsett, more than I was. He didn't talk about ot much and this was compounded by problems at work and eventually a new baby. I saw he was struggling and got him to go yo his dr. He was referred for cbt and is a new man. I know yours is a different situation but is it worth a punt if the outcome is to take pressure off you? It is also worth chatting to a counsellor yourself.