Need some advice - sex life & relationship struggling

[magicballs]

I really need some advice from women who have been married longer than I have to tell me if this is normal and will I get over it or what can I do to sort it. I cant talk to my friends about this as they all seem to have such perfect sex lives with their DH's.
I have been with my DH for 4 years and we have a DD, 2. My DH sex drive has always been lower than mine - I like a lot of sex but he had an accident as a child and it affected his testosterone levels. He seems to be able to go for a fairly long time without having sex, and he likes to cuddle and kiss more to feel intimate.
But when we do have sex, its over pretty quickly, and I don't get much if any foreplay... Last night I intimated sex, and he was kissing me from behind and then without any preamble, entered me and it was quite painful, but then just as I started getting into it - it was over! Within a few minutes! This has been going on for a while and is starting to really affect me - firstly, I would like some foreplay to actually get me halfway there before we start having sex if he is going to finish so quickly, but I don't know how to approach that without upsetting him - it does upset him that its over so fast.
Secondly, because the sex is now meaningless to me and I get nothing from it, I have started to feel resentful towards him and stop feeling attracted to my DH! I just feel like I can no longer be bothered to put the effort into foreplay for him, and even intimate sex if I am getting nothing from it.
Is there any way to improve this situation and discuss it without hurting his feelings (I know it makes him feel unmanly to leave me hanging), and also can I make myself attracted to him and horny for him again? Sorry this is long. Im really worried about my relationship.

"Is there any way to improve this situation and discuss it without hurting his feelings"

Yes. But it requires candour, patience and kindness. Good sex is about getting to know each other's likes and dislikes so you have to share information and provide constructive feedback. The wrong way to do it would be to say (I paraphrase) 'you're shit at sex'. The right way to do it is to say 'I like sex better and I'm more relaxed when XYZ happens... what makes it better for you...?' Don't be afraid to speak up at the time as well. For example, when he penetrated you too soon... 'that hurts, back up... how about doing XYZ instead?'

BTW... if he doesn't respond to this and change technique then he doesn't have testosterone problems, he has a selfishness problem.

Thank you, that makes sense. He always says I fulfill his needs in bed but he doesn't ask if he fulfills mine, which he hasn't done for some time now.
I am worried about the resentment I feel, will this go do you think? I really do love my DH, but I can't carry on with this feeling inside me. I am a person who needs sex to feel close to someone, and if its so bad that I don't want to do it, then I am worried I wont feel as connected.
Another thing is my DH wont "go down" on me unless I have showered first, so therefore I rarely get anymore than a cursory jabbing at which obviously does not get me excited.
One of my friends has a scheduled sex day, each week they have sex on this day after their DC has gone to bed. Has anyone done this, would this work?

The resentment will stick around and increase if you feel your needs are neither being listened to nor met. I don't see the problem with showering... don't most people like each other to be clean and fresh? You could shower together! Very sexy. Scheduled sex day sounds a really crappy idea for you because your problem is lack of foreplay. If you have a diary entry that says "Monday 9pm Sex" then you're going to get no preamble, no spontanaeity, no foreplay and even less effort....

I guess my only problem with showering is I shower every day in the morning, and he baths every evening, whilst I'm putting DD to bed and getting dinner ready, so I feel by 10pm bedtime, I'm not really in the mood to have a shower. I guess I should do.
I think my friend has this set sex day, her and her DH also spend quite a lot of time foreplay and enjoying each other, I didn't know if that might be worth suggesting - "I would really like it if you did x,y,z, and maybe if we had a set day you would feel happier doing x,y,z rather than a weekday evening of 3 minutes" - ??

He hasn't received treatment for it, he was once prescribed viagra but it did absolutely nothing.
Like most men, he pathologically avoids the doctor

If you want a longer sexual experience you have to create the space. Your friend and her DH are on the same page sexually and their challenge is to set the time aside. You and your DH are not on the same page sexually so, even if you set aside a two hour window on Wednesday nights for sex, you're going to get five minutes of disappointment and 1 hour 55 minutes of 'what shall we do now?'.... see the difference?

You like foreplay, he likes squeaky clean fanjo... this is where you can both do something nice for each other and, hopefully, start the conversation. This is what I mean about sharing information.

there all kinds of foreplay options which don't involve him doing something he isn't keen on. I see his point actually on the smelly unclean issue...

Could you get a vibrator which he could use on you? This would mean that you get your orgasm before he gets going and he is bound to feel less concern about getting there too quickly for you to enjoy it. it is also a way for him help you get excited in an easy way.

There are also positions where you can use a small vibrator on yourself during sex. This may help you get to orgasm at the same time.

Just wondering if you have considered the use of sex toys to give your sex life a boost.

I haven't really, I'm certainly not a prude but I didn't ever consider them!
I will think about getting a vibrator, definitely.
I just want my sex life to be more interesting and exciting!

Just shoving it in without checking readiness isn't a foreplay or testosterone issue it is a I can't be bothered or care to check if this is good for you but I am getting what I want.

Its selfish and uncaring. Leaving you unfinished is also selfish. He is done, sod you.

You need to have a frank chat about how it makes you feel before it is too late.

Shower or bathe together, then your both clean for a bit of oral fun ;)

I wouldn't reccommend a set day every week, it put pressure on you both to perform and that might not be so good for your DH. Let it happen naturally.

Shower or bathe together, it is possible even in the smallest of showers and may just end up with the both of you giggling like school children if your shower or bath are particulaly small, but that's good.
Don't have any expectations either, if all you do is shower and cuddle in bed then so be it.
Next time shower, cuddle and kiss
Next time shower, cuddle, kiss and touch
Next time shower, cuddle, kiss, touch and lick (or suck)

You get the drift, just let things happen naturaly and don't expect earth shattering orgasms.

FWIW, I'm a bit concerned that you have not talked about how he fulfills your needs. It's important that you can both tell each other what turns you on and the fact that you have said

"He always says I fulfill his needs in bed but he doesn't ask if he fulfills mine, which he hasn't done for some time now."

This makes him look like quite a selfish lover. I hope this isn't the case.

Sometimes these things can be hard for sexual partners to talk about (it shouldn't be hard but I get that it is)
Maybe a text, E-Mail or letter is a 'soft' easier way of starting communication about this subject